Note: This is the script of the Parody play, "Graduate Students Unhinged", presented by The-Not-Quite-Ready-For-Dark-Time players, on Oct 23rd, 1999 at Phil Pinto's House. This is a spoof. Repeat, there is nothing serious about this play whatsoever so if you find any of this offensive, take a deep breath and relax. ================================================================================ narrator: Thank you all for coming tonight, and welcome! And now, the Not-Quite-Ready-For-Darktime Players are proud to present to you, after a 10 year hiatus, "Graduate Students Unhinged". This is an insight into the lives of astronomers that the PBS mini-series didn't show." Sesame Street Roles: GRAD STUDENT (main) -- Jen ANNOUNCER (tiny) -- Chris Gottbrath ANNE ZABLUDOFF PUPPET -- Andrea ADAM-MONSTER HEAD 1 -- Tod ADAM-MONSTER HEAD 2 -- Dave Chris Sharp's Voice -- Matt TYE-DYE-GROUCH PUPPET -- Greg COUNT IMPEY PUPPET -- Audra or Casey 5 grad students -- ALL OF IMPEY's GRADS SOUND Guy -- Craig ------------------------------------------------ (Craig cues music) ALL GRADS TOGETHER: SCORCHING DAY, MOVED TO TUCSON, NOW WE PAY, ON OUR WAY, TO WHERE THE NERDS ALL MEET. WHEN THERE'S NO PARKING LEFT ON CAMPUS, YOU CAN PARK ON SESAME STREET. YOU CAN PARK ON SESAME STREET. (grad student "drives" to a corner of the stage, puts up sun shields in windows, and gets out of car) GRAD: I can't believe how little parking there is on campus! Well, no way am I going to buy a parking pass. This doesn't seem too far from campus - I'll bet no one else has caught on to how much parking space there is on Sesame Street! Right, so I took a left at the light on Speedway, then went 2 blocks....no, maybe 3. EdO: Oh, she must be a theorist. She can't even count to three. But I had to turn at that roundabout. No problem, as soon as I find the mountains....HEY, how come the buildings here are so tall?! Some have 3 floors! And front stoops. I don't see any cacti either....or the mountains. Uh-oh. Which way to the department? (Anne Zabludoff puppet starts moving around other end of stage, back and forth, mumbling to herself) GRAD: There's Raggedy Ann Zabludoff. She looks bright eyed and bushy tailed! I'll bet she knows which way to campus. (Grad walks over to Anne, stops about 5 feet away) GRAD: Excuse me, do you know how far away Steward Observatory is from here? Or which way? ANNE: Which way?! No idea! No sense of direction. GRAD: (crestfallen) oh. ANNE: But I'm much better with distances! GRAD: (brightens up) Oh, good! So which... ANNE: Ever heard of HVC's? High velocity clouds? GRAD: ummm, seem to recall a journal club last month but I don't remember much.... EdO: Try staying awake next time. ANNE: Great! I can refresh your memory. Some people think HVC are NEEEEEEAR (walks over to grad student). And others think they are FAAAAAAR (walks back away). NEEEEAR (towards student). FAAAAAAAAR (away....) NEEEE.... EdO: I'd like to be FAAAAAAAR away from here right about now. (two headed monster comes on the scene) GRAD: Um Thanks! Now I remember! Great refresher, gotta go! (runs away towards monster) MONSTER (2 people, one dressed in red jacket, one in brown leather jacket, both with engineer glasses): MONSTER HEAD 1: Ssssss. MONSTER HEAD 2: Tarrrr. MONSTER HEAD 1: Ssssss. MONSTER HEAD 2: Tarrrr. BOTH HEADS: Ssssss-tarrrrrr.Ssstarrrrrr. STAR! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.... GRAD: Hmm, simple enough. Maybe he'll, they'll...IT will know which way to Steward. MONSTER HEAD 1: Cozzzzz. MONSTER HEAD 2: Mo. BOTH: COSMO ! MONSTER HEAD 1: O-Cosmo. MONSTER HEAD 2: Chro. BOTH: O-COSMO-CHRO! MONSTER HEAD 1: Cle-O-Cosmo. MONSTER HEAD 2: Chro-No. BOTH: CLE-O-COSMO-CHRO-NO! MONSTER HEAD 1: Nu-Cle-O-Cosmo. MONSTER HEAD 2: Chro-No-Lo. BOTH: NU-CLE-O-COSMO-CHRO-NO-LO! GRAD: Oh BOY! Never mind! I'll need a dictionary just to understand the directions! (Walks quickly along...) MONSTER HEAD 1: Nu-Cle-O-COSMO-CHRO-NO-LO-Gy... HAHAHAHAHAH GRAD: (walking towards a small door with a knocker on it...) Okay, maybe someone who lives in a HOUSE can tell me! (knocks on door) (door flings open, crumpled papers fly out of the door, and TYE-DYE-GROUCH appears) EdO: This guy looks strangely familiar.... TYE-DYE-GROUCH: Look! You're too late to submit a title for Internal Symposium, OKAY? So BUZZ OFF! Leave me alone! EdO: Is he supposed to be _me_? He looks nothing like me! I have much better taste in clothing! (door slams) GRAD: o-kay! Guess not. (group of grad students enter in a pack, talking, all their attention directed towards the center of their group) GRAD: People! Waiting to talk to Count Impey! Maybe they'll know! (goes up to group) Excuse me!! ExCUSE ME! Do any of you know how to get to Steward?! (group quiets down and opens up around a small purple puppet in only a headband and shorts) COUNT IMPEY: (addressing GRAD) No, I don't have time to discuss that with you. (Happily) But WHY don't we count how many graduate students I have? ONE! One graduate student! Ah-ah-ah-ah! (Lightning, thunder) TWO! Two graduate students! Ah-ah-ah-ah! (Ditto) THREE! GRAD: (gets impatient, loudly sighs and quickly takes a head count) THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! COUNT: SE-VEN! (triumphantly) SEVEN GRADUATE STUDENTS! AH-AH-AH-AH! (Lightning, thunder....) Sorry! Very busy, no time to talk, gotta go! (grads enclose him again and they all shuffle off) GRAD: oh MAN! No way. NO WAY. I've already missed the Journal Club head count, I didn't bring a lunch...I might as well go.... (Grads coooo like pigeons offstage) GRAD: Ah ha! Sounds like Steward! (opens up umbrella, quickly walks off stage. we hear splats, and more cooing, and then) Didn't count on an UM-brella, DID ya?! Ha! CHRIS SHARP: Here pigeon pigeon pigeon. (announcer walks on stage) ANNOUNCER: This episode was brought to you by the token letter grade "B-minus-minus" (Greg holds up a foam B--) and the average number of years to graduate "TEN" (Andrea holds up a foam 10) (CRAIG cues music) ALL GRADS TOGETHER: SCORCHING DAY, MOVED TO TUCSON, NOW WE PAY, ON OUR WAY, TO WHERE THE NERDS ALL MEET. WHEN THERE'S NO PARKING LEFT ON CAMPUS, YOU CAN PARK ON SESAME STREET. YOU CAN PARK ON SESAME STREET. ************************************************************ DEEP THOUGHTS... by John Cocke (Gottbrath and Craig) "Notations can sense uncertainty and fear... they're sort of like undergraduates that way." ************************************************************ Faculty meeting Peter -- Greg Mike -- Rose Gary -- Jeremy George -- Groppi Dennis -- Eric Jim -- Christian Roger Angel -- Phil Chris Impey -- Casey Announcer -- Gottbrath John Cocke -- Craig1 misc profs -- misc grads Meeting starts: Peter: Where is everyone? Didn't they hear me yodel? EdO: Of course they did. Why do you think they're cowering in their offices? Mike: I'm here direktor Strimatter! EdO: No, _he's_ Herr Direktor Stritmatter. You're...what exactly are you now, again? Peter: Yes Mike... we know. Peter: McIntosh; fetch me .. EdO: a shrubbery? Peter: ...the faculty Peter: We have 3 new faculty members. As is Steward tradition we will begin the initiation ritual. Since the Age of Wyman Steward Astronomers have undergone this sacred and secret ritual. Dennis: I know I shouldn't have come back!! Peter: Bring out the beast!! Peter: As is tradition, the squirrel will be shaved completely and placed. Peter: Now on to the next item. We need to decide on who will teach the grad classes this semester. Each person will draw course names out of this hat. Peter: And will teach the class they draw. Gary: Great! Another year with mister IR. George: At least my sections challenging. Gary: Yeah, well at least mine's understandable. Peter: Alright everyone who didn't get an assignment gets to teach stellar next semester. Peter: We have some slight re-organization issues to work out before we can move to the next item and we've had some budget cuts so some of you may find yourselves in unusual positions. Rob has decided to resign from his powerful and prestigious position as associate dept. head. to take a position as the Quality control manager for the ApJ. Congratulations Rob... Rob??? (Rob wakes up looking a little disoriented) Rob: Umm.. do your results have any effect on Ho? Peter: Results? Oh well, at least we know that ApJ is in good hands. This means that we need to move Chris to associate head. Jim to grad advisor -- where is jim anyway? Jim: Sorry everybody, I just got back from STSCI. I have to leave in a few minutes though. I've got to make it to Flagstaff for a meeting. I'll be back in 2005. Peter: Then we move Gary to curriculum head, Phil to grad admissions chair, Ray White to computer chair, Pacholczyk to attendance, Connie to Moral officer, Dave Arnett to organizational officer, Bill Tifft to interior decorator, George Reike to fashion consultant, John Bieging and Bill Stoeger will be the motivational speakers and John Cocke, you'll have to go back to grad school. John: HA!! Peter: Before we leave, I'd like to see the long-range planning committee afterwards. Mike: Oh Oh, Peter, can I come to the meeting too! I love committees!! Peter: Normally only faculty who have facial hair can attend. EdO: Does Marcia know about this? Peter: I think I see a hair, you may enter. Roger:has anyone seen my laptop?? Peter: Did you check by the AO laser?? Peter: Well, we've convened here to discuss our plan for the continuation of observational astronomy in AZ. Due to increasing light pollution, we need to find ways to increase our available observing time. Unfortunately, all conventional means have been exhausted. We are, in the end, thwarted by our arch-nemesis. That glowing orb I call the sun (gasps from around the table). In consultation with un-employed SDI scientists and former Carter Admin. officials, I have devised a way to eliminate this foul orb. On Jan 1, 2003, our secret faciltiy on Mt. Graham will deploy a large "sun screen" to block the sun's cursed rays from our skies. Michael, Which postdoc will be constructing the "sun screen"? Mike: Matthew Kenworthy Sir. Peter: Kenworthy, who's this Kenworthy. I've never heard of him. Mike: He's one of your chair moistners from sector 7G sir. Peter: Yes, excellent. After the deployment of our "sun screen" we will only remove it in exchange for 1 billion hours on Keck. EdO: That should be almost enough time to finish Mike's project! Peter: We will observe forever... forever I tell you ... for ever...... yoddlelayhe hoo. Announcer: In the presentation of this skit no squirrels for taken, harrassed, taunted, or harmed in any way either directly or indirectly. ************************************************************ STELLAR SKIT Costumes/props: Phil - big brown beard; loose, white, button-down shirt; white pants; sandals. Coffee cup that he keeps raising and lowering, as if to drink, but never actually takes a drink. Dave - jeans, big belt buckle, not sure what shirt Peter - of course, short-sleeved white shirt, grey slacks, black belt, black loafers. Also should have glasses that he pulls down when reading his part and then props on his forhead while others are speaking. Jim - not sure what his regular attire is. anyone? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4 stellar professors in front of class. Need 5 or so grad students. Could have one professor give an intro, maybe Peter. Peter: Good! morning. How are we doing today? Last time we talked about something or other, convection I think, or was it the dynamo effect.... anyway, today we are going to discuss the sun. Take it away Jim. Jim: OK, sure, um (nodding his head and bobbing forward a bit. Then hands go in sort of circular pattern until he finally gets his word out. Phil looks on impatiently.) The Phil: sun (very fast) Dave: iiss (texas drawl, finger pointed in the air) Peter: a mass (hee-hee) Jim: of Phil: incan Dave: descent Peter: gas (giggle - could add in convection hand motions if you feel up to it) Jim: a Phil: GIANT Dave: nooo-cleee-ar Peter: furnance! Jim: Where Phil: Hydrogen Dave: is made Peter: to Helium Jim: at Phil: temperatures Dave: of millions Peter: of degrees. (glasses go up) Ok? Is that alright? Please Jim, go on. Jim: The Phil: Sun! Dave: iiissss Peter: HOT Jim: oh Phil: ho Dave: it's Peter: not Jim: a Phil: place where we (really fast, as if stealing the others words) Dave: could Peter: live. Jim: with Phil: out (finishing Jim's word) Dave: the Peter: sun Jim: with Phil: out (finishing Jim's word) Dave: a Peter: doubt Jim: there'd Phil: be no Dave: you Peter: and me (hee-hee!). (glasses up) Now, you must have some questions? (Moves around the room, getting VERY close to the grad students.) Hmm? (Smiling, moves his glasses up and down) Hmm? .... Hmm? (Short pause.) Grad student: um, could you tell me what the final is going to be like? Jim: well (with a little head roll), we should prooo0bably have an oral exam - this is good practice for your prelims. Phil: At santa cruz, they have written finals. Dave: Actually, I don't see why we need a final at all. (drawn out) I have a code that you might enjoy playing with... (gasp from the students) Peter: Now don't throw the baby out with the bathwater! ************************************************************** DEEP THOUGHTS... by John Cocke (Gottbrath and Craig) "The right way to do a relativity problem, you have to go into a closet and turn the lights off." ************************************************************ Theme for George Rieke (to the tune of Shaft) Who's the infrared astronomer who's the sex machine to all the chicks? George! Damn Right! Who is the man who would risk his neck for his NASA mission? George! Can you dig it? Who's the man who won't back down when there's budget cuts all around? George! Right on! They say this cat George is a bad mother.... Shut your mouth! But I'm talkin' about George... We can dig it! He's a complicated man who no one understands but his tailor. George Rieke! ************************************************************ The Advisor (jbailin, with someone as Matthias acting out the advisor) Once upon a Friday dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a cosmological simulation dumping core, While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my office door. "'Tis some undergrad," I muttered, "tapping at my office door- Only this, and nothing more." I recall it was the hottest Friday in the scorching August And each separate dying process dumped its state upon the floor Eagerly I wished the morrow;- vainly I had sought to borrow >From my code surcease of sorrow- sorrow for my ApJ letter For the 3-page paper which I hoped would be my first ApJ letter Nameless here for evermore. And the silken sad despondent rustling of each distant printout Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before; So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating, "'Tis some undergrad entreating entrance at my office door- Some dumb undergrad entreating entrance at my office door;- This it is, and nothing more." Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer, "Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; But the fact is I was sleeping, and so gently you came creeping, And my office hours are written FREAKING THIS HIGH BY MY DOOR!!!! That I scarce was sure I heard you"- here I opened wide the door;- Darkness there, and nothing more. Back into my office turning, all my soul within me burning Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before. "Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice Though I'm not quite sure where's a "lattice", since I only have a door- Since no windows does my office in the dome have, just a door;- That's what I get for being on the first floor." Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, In there stepped a stately Advisor of the upper Steward floor Not the least obeisance bid he; not a minute stopped or stayed he But, with mien of a Fritz Zwicky, perched just inside my office door Purched upon a pile of homeworks scattered on my office floor Perched, and sat, and nothing more. Then this German prof beguiling my sad fancy into smiling By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance he wore. "Though thy brain be ten times wiser, thou," I said, "art no slave driver Highly caffinated Advisor wandering down from the 3rd floor- Tell me what was written in the referee's report?" Quoth the Advisor, "Nevermore." Much I marvelled this ungainly prof to hear discourse so plainly, Though his answer little meaning- little relevancy bore; For we must say, to be prudent, that no living graduate student Ever yet has been imbued with such a referee's report Been imbued by referee or Rob by a referee's report Consisting just of "Nevermore". But the Advisor, sitting lonely on my tiled floor spoke only That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour Nothing further then he uttered - not a paper then he fluttered Till I scarcely more than muttered "Other profs have flown before- On the morrow he will leave me and my code will still dump core" Quoth the Advisor "Nevermore,Ya". And the Advisor, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting On the random pile of homeworks scattered on my office floor And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming, And the fluorescent light is beaming its ghastly shine upon the floor And my soul from out my thesis that will not cease from dumping core Shall be lifted- nevermore! ************************************************************ (poster) SPECIAL BULLETIN..... Announcer -- Chris Gottbrath John Cocke -- Jeremy Rodger dodger -- Groppi Connie -- Audra Chris Sharp -- Matt Dave Arnett -- Jen Tom Fleming -- Ben Chris Walker -- Phil student -- Greg Announcer: In a continuing effort to broaden the scope of astronomy education, Dean Levy has recently mandated preparedness training in the case of a nearby star going supernova. Steward faculty have proposed the following courses of action: EdO: How does "die painfully" sound as an option? John Cocke: HA! We're all going to bite the big one anyway - I say we all go get really toasted and watch the light show! Rodger Thompson: Ummm. In addition to food and drink, ummm, University rules strictly prohibit supernovas in classrooms. Connie Walker: (runs on, looking worried) Ohmigod! We should duck and cover! Connie Walker: But maybe someone could make up a lab exercise to help explain it to NatSci students....maybe even a webpage.... (runs off yelling) Craig?! Chris Walker: (saunters on, smiling) It'll be okay....(saunters off, silly smile intact) Dave Arnett: AH. That is a very interesting problem. It is very similar to the problem of lost Monarch butterflies trying to fly upwind over a Himalayan pass during a blue moon. student: Monarch butterflies? Dave: Ex-ACT-ly. You've picked out the subtle point of the whole problem. student: what? i jsut wanted to know how to spell "monarch" Chris Sharp: Ummm, did someone say pigeon.... coooo coooo. I've got a good story about pigeons. The other day Announcer (interupting): No Chris, we said ducks, not pigeons. Chris Sharp: Ohhh, Ummmmmm. Okay. (exits stage) Announcer: Marcia Rieke was, as usual, not available for comment. Tom Fleming: (wearing a cowboy hat) I know _I_ ,and anyone who cares to join me under the hat, are covered. (BIG SMILE) Announcer: We now return you to your regular programming.... *********************************************************** DEEP THOUGHTS... by John Cocke (Gottbrath and Craig) "There's a bunch of people standing around with radar sets in 1940's British clothing and there are black boards and maps and they're plotting the position of the bombers. And this is the metric they have to use." ************************************************************ Super Huge Interferemetric Telescope Cast: Roger Angel (RA) = Phil Hinz John Hill (JH) = Chris Gottbrath Crazy Woman = Joanna Hinz George Rieke = Chris Groppi Random Question Asker = Andrea Edo = Greg Don McCarthy = Craig EdO - Our next internal symposium speaker is our very own Roger Angel with this weeks brilliant idea. Roger Angel - "Thanks, I didn't have alot of time to prepare this talk, so it might be a little rough. I'm going to talk a little about interferometry. We can roughtly divide our work on interferometry into two categories. < He writes 'nulling' on one side of the transparency, draws a line down the middle and writes 'other'> EdO: Oh, this could start a new trend. I can see it now. George Rieke: 'There are two kinds of radiation, IR and other.' Adam Burrows: 'There are two kinds of numbers, 1 and other.' The possibilities are endless! Roger Angel - We've been making alot of progress in the nulling field recently ... < He starts looking around, falling silent, as if he has forgotten something, after a painful pause > Roger Angel - I can't seem to find my laptop. EdO: You know, this talk really heightens my lack of interest in the project. Roger Angel - John, why don't you say a few words about the mirror lab while I run and get it. JH - When we tried to spin the next LBT mirror up, we found a nasty Y2K bug. In order to maintain 6.8 RPM we round up graduate students and fit them with a harness. It tethers them to the oven frame and dangles a double iced mocca in front of them, just out of arms length. (pause) Roger's going to talk about our new plans which will eliminate the need for large honeycomb borosilicate mirrors, and so I know some of you will be worried about the future of the mirror lab. You can relax. With the full support of the trustees, who wanted to get another 10 years life out of our 34 ton rotating oven, we have a plan. (pause) After consultation with President Likins office, we have decided to convert the mirror lab into a Pizza Parlor. For obvious reasons we are considering a merger with Cosmic Pizza. We even have some ideas for a delivery service. << picture of the semi driving down the road with a huge pizza. >> EdO: Yeah, I can hear it now: "Evenly cooked in the worlds largest rotating oven! Free Pepsi and cheesesticks with all orders over 6 meters! Delivery in two years or your money back! < Roger Angel returns, looking worried, he steps up next to John Hill> Roger Angel - John, I have news from the mirror lab. We have a problem. All of this time we've been spinning it backwards. JH - No. Roger Angel - Yes, its come out CONVEX. < John hurries off. > Roger Angel - Where was I? Roger Angel - Oh, Now that we are on the verge of low cost turn-key adaptive optics I've been thinking about the importance of taking ground based optical interferometry to the next level. Inspired by the GI2T telescope in France, < image of a really silly looking telescope with 2 20 foot tall astroscan-like buildings. > EdO: Oh my god, its a giant bong! Roger Angel - Uh, yea. So we've started laying plans for the Super Huge Interferometric Telescope Roger Angel - I have discovered that this company, Orion, has an excellent little telescope called an astroscan available. We've calculated that it will only take 5,800 of them to reach the equivelent collecting area of the LBT. We should be able to generate a synthetic aperture of 100 meters. (pause) The whole array will cost about 1.5 million dollars. Just compare that with 80 million for the LBT and 100 million for Keck. If you compare performance vs cost compared with other telescopes. Roger Angel - Sorry, wrong transparency. But you should notice that since the construction of LBT the squirrel population has almost doubled. (pause) Here it is Roger Angel - You can see that the Super Huge Interferometric Telescope clearly occupies a unique place in parameter space. In addition to holding a unique advantage in terms of performance per cost the design is uniquely flexible. Since each one of these is portable Roger Angel - We don't have to have a fixed array configuration. We are free to choose the configuration most suited to an observing project. I've got an undergratuate simulating the effectiveness of some suggestions already. (pause) These configurations range from the simple < places transparency of some straightforward array > Roger Angel - to some less conventional ones < places keck sucks > Roger Angel - The university even had some suggestions < places coke logo > Roger Angel - which might bring in some outside funding. Here's the basic array configuration. < places main array picture > Roger Angel - Now, you all know those frustrating seeing conditions when those little clouds drift by your field. One of the great features of this design is that the array is SO big that somewhere in the array there will be a clear view of the field. (pause) The instability in the air takes a plane wave and does this too it. < RA takes a piece of paper and crumples it up and puts it on the overhead, he is oblivious to the fact that no one else can see what he is trying to do> EdO: I think that's the clearest transparency he's shown yet. Roger Angel - well, actually, theres more power on small scales, so it's more like this. < Roger Angel crumples the paper again, getting a more satisfactory result and places it back on the overhead > Roger Angel - as you can see we will be able to see this wavefront from all over the field so... Crazy Woman - Um!(loudly) Roger Angel - looks up, yes, is there a question? Crazy Woman - I understand that you want to build this new telescope, but you've confused me. How does it work? Roger Angel - Well, it basically the same as a radio interferometeric array. When a plane wave from, say a point source strikes the array with some angle ... Crazy Woman - (inturrupting) No, I've got all of that you idiot, How does it work? I mean, does it run on electricity? Roger Angel - Ahh, that's a good question. The tracking system is completely bio-mechanical. It's powered by graduate students. All they need are coffee, donuts, and linux workstations. CW- But why do you need that many telescopes to look at the same star? You don't fool me. I've seen Star Wars. This is part of a Government project to build a death ray, isn't it? EdO: Oh, you've found us out. Now we'll have to kill you. RA- Well, actually, it's, uhh . . . Crazy Woman - Well, you're funded by the Air Force aren't you? What does the Air Force care about telescopes? Roger Angel - The Air force is interested because . . . Crazy Woman - I guess you can't believe everything you hear! (Storms out). Roger Angel - Well, as I was saying, the Super Huge Interferometric Telescope will be form a new paradigm of telescope design. George Rieke - What are the Infrared properties of this idea? Roger Angel - We called Orion and asked that same question. After a slight pause they responded "Yes, of course the astroscans are all perfectly red". ?? - Have you thought about instrumentation? Roger Angel - In terms of science instrumentation, with a barlow lense we should be able to bring the f ratio to 15, ensuring compatability with existing MMT instruments. Actually, this might be a good platform for the SUbarcsecond Camera for the K-BAnD. < transparency if possible, groppi has in mind the IR camera from keck, a huge red box, attached to an astroscan > Roger Angel - we'll also equip each telescope with a 4kx4k CCD. Andrea - Won't that be expensive? Roger Angel - we are getting 6000 of them, so we expect a big bulk discount. And if we get a few bad lots, there are thousands of others that will be okay. (pause) We think we can construct the electronics and control system from pieces that have fallen off of MMT AO experiments. (pause) So I think that the Super Huge Interferometric Telescope represents the next pioneering step that Steward should take. We plan to pitch it to NOAO next week, followed by the NSF when no one across the street understands the breakthrough in this idea. (pause) Before I step down, I've been meaning to ask if anyone has seen our pump laser, it's about 12 feet long and weighs half a ton. EdO - We have just a couple of seconds for a question. < Don McCarthy raises his hand > Roger Angel - Yes Don? Don McCarthy - I don't want to take anything away from Rogers talk, but at the last advanced camp we used the 60" and an array of 8 inch celestrons to do aperture synthesis. The campers were able to directly resolve the companion planet to 51 Peg. The campers where able to confirm for themselves that extrasolar planets have phases, just like the moon. ************************************************************ DEEP THOUGHTS... by John Cocke (Gottbrath and Craig) "This works if you accept the field equations. Which you might or might not do depending on your frame of mind and what you've been smoking at the time." ************************************************************ ------------------------------------------------------------------------- announcer: Andrea psychic: Jen caller: Rose ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The PsyKeck Hotline announcer: Would you like to know where your love life is headed? Do you need advice about your job? Well, call the Psykeck Hotline and talk to one of our world-renowned psychics, like Vera Scham, Yitsak Roc, or May Dupp!! They can offer real insight, just listen!... psychic: Hello, you have reached the Psykeck Hotline. How can I help you? caller: Yes, I was wondering if you could help me. I need someone to tell me where my life is going. psychic: You're a graduate student, aren't you? EdO: Of course not. She said she had a life! caller: Wow! How did you know that? I wasn't actually expecting you to be able to tell me much. I mean, I try to keep an open mind and all, but I don't usually buy all this psychic/astrology stuff and- psychic: You're a scientist- an astronomer. caller: Yeah, that's right! You see, my thesis just keeps dragging on and on and the job market is horrible, and I don't know what to do. I want to know what to expect from the future. psychic: Well, let's start with the simple stuff. What's your favorite IRAF task? caller: My what? psychic: Your favorite IRAF task, you know Image Reduction and- caller: (interrupts) Yes, I know what you mean, but how do you know what that is and why are you asking me that? psychic: Look, I'm the professional here, just trust me. caller: I don't have a favorite IRAF task. In fact I HATE IRAF! psychic: Well, you must use something to analyze your data. You do analyze data, don't you? You're not a ... _theorist_, are you? caller: No, of course not! (underbreath) And you call yourself a psychic... Well, let me think... I do do a lot of galaxy classification, so, well, um... I guess maybe Source Extractor would be my favorite program. psychic: Source Extractor...source extractor, hmm, that doesn't sound familiar. Oh! You mean SEXtractor! EdO: Get out of here. _I_ do the heckling in this department! caller: (embarrassed) Uh...yeah, I guess some people call it that. psychic: Hmmm... very interesting. caller: Why? psychic: You're feeling very frustrated these days, aren't you? caller: Yes, I am! psychic: How about your editor? caller: My editor? psychic: Yep. Your text editor. caller: Uhhhh... emacs. psychic: Really? caller: Uh huh. psychic: You know you have to be completely honest with me now. caller: OK. OK. I use vi. There, I said it. I have to keep this a secret. My advisor keeps telling me I should switch, but I just can't. psychic: (suggestively) Should you really be calling him your advisor?... He's already bought the ring! caller: How did you know that? psychic: (smugly smiles and nods) But that didn't stop you from cheating on him two weeks ago with your ex, now did it? caller: Oh my God. announcer: It can work for you too! Call and talk to our psychics. You'll be amazed at what you hear! The Psykeck Hotline is bigger, better, and more sophisticated than any other hotline available. We'll prove it to you! Call 1-800-PSY-KECK now! (hurriedly) calls-cost-$5.99-for-first-minute-$1.99-each-additional-minute- UC-faculty-permission-required- actual-success-rate-may-vary-depending-on-weather- W.M.-Keck-Foundation-not-responsible-for-loss-of-funding-or- scientific-credibility-as-the-result-of-advice-received-in-calls. ************************************************************ the cast: Phil Joannah as themselves Rose Don - Craig? Dennis Means - Greg? ----------------------------------------------------- Announcer: It was a cold, windy, winter night at the 90 inch telescope. The day is thursday, and we meet our characters on the 5th night of their observing run. The time is around 7 pm, and twilight has passed. Scene: 90" control room. In walk Phil and Joannah with a bag of food, talking about the hectic ride up. Joannah: What a storm! There must be at least 6 inches snow out there. I can't believe we actually made it up the mountain in this weather! Phil: Yeah, it was a pretty scary ride. (Looking around) Where is everybody? I thought Don and Rose would be chatting away with Denis. Rose: (comes out from under one of the tables) Joannah: Rose, what are you doing?! Rose: Sorry, but I thought you guys were Don. If you know what's good for you, you will get right back in your car and drive back to tucson. I'll tell Don you called and said you couldn't make it up in the snow. Joannah: Why, what's going on? Rose: I think Don has really lost it this time. This is our 5th night observing, and he hasn't slept the whole, entire time! He's been driving down in the mornings to teach his class, and even when he doesn't have class he's been driving down just in case one of his students shows up looking for help. Today I went down with him, and on the ride back this afternoon, he got out of the car at the beginning of Kitt Peak road so he could run up the mountain! Right now he has poor Denis up on the roof shoveling snow! If you're not careful, he's going to rope you into shoveling as well! Joannah: How can they be on the roof? The wind gusts are up near 50 mph! Phil: It's not like we're going to open up tonight anyway. That's crazy! (Cut to scene of 90 inch roof. Don is merrily shoveling away as Denis keeps giving Don the evil eye, slowly shoveling.) Denis: We'd better get down from here. The wind is really starting to pick up. Don: Don't be silly! We're fine! (Don gets back to shoveling. Strong wind gust comes and blows Denis off the roof. The wind drowns out his scream. ) Don: You see, that gust hardly knocked me at all. (pause - wondering why denis hasn't answered, Don turns around to find Denis gone.) Don: What a wimp! I can't believe he went back downstairs. I'd better get him back up here. And where is Rose? (Don goes offstage.) (Back in control room) Rose: I'm telling you, if you guys know what's good for you, you will get out of here! (just then, Don walks through the door.) Don: Hi! Have you guys seen Denis? All: No. (faint knocking on metal door) Don: Oh... well, he must have gone to the bathroom. Hey, I could really use a hand up there on the roof. The snow is coming down now. (knocking louder now) Joannah: Did you just hear someone knocking? Don: probably just the wind (knocking VERY loud ) Phil: that was definitely someone knocking. (all follow sound out of control room and over to bok walk door. open door and denis comes in.) Denis: (fuming) You are totally nuts! You know that! I mean, I have seen some pretty wacky behavior from you astronomers over the years, but this takes the cake. You almost got me killed! Don: I think you're exaggerating a bit. In fact, we were all on our way up to the roof to keep shoveling. Denis: ABSOLUTELY NOT! No more access to the roof tonight - I'll call Gary on you if I have to! (sighs of relief from J,P and R. Don is clearly dejected.) Joannah: (in quiet, unassuming tone) Um Don? maybe you should get some sleep. I don't think we'll be opening tonight anyway. Denis: We are definitely - NOT - opening!!! Don: Who me? I'm fine. (turns to Phil) Hey Phil, you want to go for a bike ride? We can ride down to the bottom of the mountain and back! Phil: ummm...I don't think so...I mean... ummmm.... I didn't bring my bike. Don: Oh, well you can use mine. And I'll just run beside you. It'll be good practice for me. Phil: The road is going to be a little slick - I mean there's 6 inches of snow at there! Don: Good point! Hmmm, that snow is going to make our drive down tomorrow a little tough. Maybe we should get out there and start shoveling. Yeah, that's a good idea, we can clear the rode right down to the snow line. All: what?!!! Don: Ok, let's go! Grab a shovel. (Don walks toward door and suddenly collapses to the ground.) Joannah: Oh my gosh! It must be kidney stones again! (all rush over to him, feels for a pulse. Just then Don starts snoring) Rose: (whispering) I think he's just asleep - let's get out of here while we can. (all tip toe out, leaving don sleeping on the floor.) ************************************************************ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- narration: Jackie grad student/PI: Jen Prosepct Student: Eric Adam: Audra Impey: Patrick or Casey? Rob: Jeremy Gary: Rose Phil: Greg Cocke: Chris G. new Prospective Student: Ben ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Farewell my Prospective (grad student/private investigator alone in her office, working.) narrator, for PI: It was a warm day, to say the least, almost at the end of January. I stood in my office, staring into the gaping depths of my monitor. My second year project was looking back. It was small, no longer than a half ream of paper if printed single-spaced and double-sided. Maybe it was the dry heat, maybe it was the rotten science I had been doing, chasing my ever-elusive advisor, fighting off packs of anonymous referees. Or maybe it was just the plain fact that I was tired. The only real pleasure I had was waiting for the day I graduated. (The Prospective Student enters, PI continues narrating) A blond man opened the door. He was frightened and confused. I knew why he was there- the same reason as all the others before him. PI (swings in her chair): Ya got low GRE scores, huh? Prospective: Hhhhhow do you know? PI: 'Cause my job is to know what others don't, babe. (throws a heavy folder on the table) I have been expecting you. How did you manage to finagle that reference letter from a Harvard prof? Prospective: Uh.. I worked for him over the Summer. PI: (tosses an ApJ volume on the table) You calling this work, babe? Prospective: But the referee had no objections... PI: I don't need no stinking referee. Wanna bet he never read it? TPS is silent. PI: What can I do for ya? Prospective: I'm desperate. I need to know how our applications are applications are going to be graded! I need to know if I even have a chance... PI: (leaning across the table) You got yourself a deal, toots. But it'll cost ya... %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% PI walks into the room where the members of the admissions committee are holding a meeting. narrator, for PI: They were all rough and tough there. And some were even tougher. Adam-chair: Let us commence the third and final year of my tenure as Graduate Admissions Committee Chair. Throughout these arduous proceedings, I will make every effort to be succinct and forthcoming. I shall refrain from pontificating. As is tradition, we will begin with the sacred oath of secrecy. Understand that this is not simply ceremony. Indeed, secrecy is of paramount importance to the survival of our graduate program, our departmental progeny, and the world as we know it. Now please place your right hand on the Oxford English Dictionary and repeat after me: I- state your name- do solemly swear... to maintain the integrity of the graduate admissions process... by keeping all of the proceedings as secretive and vague as my powers of obfuscation will allow.... so the rest of the department and the prospective graduate students will have no information about their status.... Nothing shall be leaked to any nefarious individuals... especially that Melia character. By taking this oath, you all have sworn to uphold the following articles of our constitution: Article I. No one shall be admitted who has been floccinaucinihlipilificated. Article II. All applicants from Harvard shall receive automatic accpetance. Article III. No undergraduates from the University of Arizona shall be admitted under any circumstances and under no circumstances are we to tell them this.... Furthermore- Impey: (cuts him off) Dammit Adam! Let's get to work, and decide on the selection process. I have research to do and graduate students to hide from. I suggest we just weigh the applications and pick the heaviest... Cocke: HA! Kennicutt:(waving a thick ApJ issue) No, no. It's too easy to just add pages to a resume. --believe me. Let's sort them by arrival date and send them off to anonymous referees. Schmidt: Well I say we consider only the applications with most pages of recommendations and those who have done research using spectropolarimetry. Phil: I have derived from first principles that log base 10 of the sum of the number of recommendation pages plus the modulus of the GRE test scores would be the best indicator of success in graduate school. It's quite simple, really. Try it yourself. It'll take you a few seconds, tops. Cocke: Phil, my Riemann tensor can take on your modulus any day. I find your lack of faith disturbing. Let's just use our usual selection procedure... Adam: Are we all in concurrence? PI rises: Hold it! You can not do that! All the members simultaneously: Oh yes, we can! %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% (The old prospective is sitting in his office. A new prospective enters the room.) Old Prospective: (swings in his chair) Ya got low GRE scores, huh? new PS: Hhhhhow do you know? Old Prospective: 'Cause my job is to know what others don't, babe... ************************************************************ DEEP THOUGHTS... by John Cocke (Gottbrath and Craig) "There are two types of chalk in this world: good American chalk, and this cheap foreign crap!!" ************************************************************ The Giant Donut Cast: Rodger Thompson (chrisg) Chris Groppi (as himself) Joannah Hinz (as herself) Other Narrator(jbailin) a few other random students a delivery man (mak) Joannah and narrator are at the side talking to the audience. Rodger and students are in a typical classroom setting. Joannah: I've got to tell you the story about Chris Groppi and the giant donut. You see, we were in Rodger Thompson's spectroscopy class as usual.... EdO: Oh, you were not. You never even went to that class. (classroom scene animates) Rodger: So, uhm, could, uhm, you all, uhm, hand in, uhm, your homework from, uhm, the weekend? (students all go up to the front and each hand in a different huge quantum textbook) Joannah: ...and then Groppi takes out this huge donut! It's so big I can't see his face! (Groppi takes out the Real Donut, and a Jackie mug of coffee, and starts chomping and drinking noisily) Rodger: Uhm, Chris, uhm, you know, uhm, food and drink isn't, uh, allowed in the, uhm, classroom. Groppi: But this is the room that the colloquium refreshments are served in! (Other Narrator interrupts, classroom scene freezes) narrator: No, no, no... the donut was bigger than that. Let me tell the story. You see, we were in Rodger's spectroscopy class as usual... (every student looks like they're sleeping) Rodger: (standing like a priest, with Shu open in front of him) Everyone please turn to page 243 in your Shu. (students take out Shu and turn to it. Jackie takes off her shoe and looks at it very confused for a minute) Students+Rodger: (singing) All wavefunctions wonderful All bras, kets great and small Dipole moments beautiful Shu wrote about them all narrator: ...and then Chris took out the donut... (Groppi takes out LARGE donut and coffee and starts slurping noisily) Rodger: You know, uhm, food and drink aren't, uhm, allowed in the classroom. Groppi: I have it on great authority that coffee is neither food nor drink! Rodger: Whose authority? Groppi: I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you. But he's the Herr Professor Doktor Direktor of a major institution, so he has great authority. Rodger: Hans-Walter can, uh, serve a four-course meal if he, uhm, wants to in his, uh, class, but in my class there's no, uhm, food or drink. Groppi: (to narrators) No, no, no... you're still telling it wrong. Let ME tell it. You see, we were in spectroscopy... (back to normal classroom scene. everyone is asleep, including possibly Rodger) (delivery man comes up) Delivery Man: Did someone order a donut and coffee? Groppi: Yeah, that's me. Delivery Man: (shouting to crew) BRING IN THE DONUT!!! (to the sounds of Also Spruch Zarathustra, delivery crew brings in the HUGE coffee - probably a garbage pail - and the HUGE donut - probably an inner tube - as though they're incredibly heavy. The other students gather around and one throws a plastic femur in the air.) ************************************************************ Jill: Jennifer Phil: Greg Lucy: Maggie -------------------------------------------------- Dueling Overheads Two people dressed up as Jill and Phil enter the stage and each stand by one overhead projector. The song "Dueling Banjos" begins, and they take turns throwing transparencies onto the projector and quickly removing them. As the tempo of the music increases, both Jill and Phil furiously shuffle through transparencies (with Phil taking a break to wave a Big Gulp around, while never taking a sip.) At some point, the music ends and both Jill and Phil stop, exhausted. They both turn around to see Lucy writing on the board at an even faster pace than the one they ended with. (Lucy also erases with her free hand as she writes.) Jill and Phil throw up their arms in defeat and leave the stage. ************************************************************ DEEP THOUGHTS... by John Cocke (Gottbrath and Craig) "Do you believe the field equations? I find your lack of faith disturbing." ************************************************************ Drink Coffee. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, drinking coffee would be it. The long-term benefits of drinking coffee has been proved by astronomers, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering post-doctoral experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your workstation. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your workstation until the hard drive has crashed three times with your thesis on it. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at digital photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay in playing Quake and Doom for hours on end. You are not as fast in death match as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve a differential equation by using your class notes. The real troubles in your career are apt to be things that never crossed your worried computer screen, the kind that blindside you at 4 am. on some frantic Tuesday morning at the 60 inch. Do one thing every day that scares your office mate. Sing loudly in the Dome. Don't waste your time on Quake death matches. Sometimes you're ahead with three lazer quns and a blaster, sometimes you're behind with only a chainsaw. The session is long and, in the end, it's only with another nerd. Remember cups of coffee you receive. Forget how often you 'borrow' Doug Miller's whole milk. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how - I feel guilty every time... Keep your old top ten list emails. Throw away your old lecture notes. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting grad students I know didn't know at 25 or 30 or 35 what they wanted to do with their career. Some of the most interesting astronomers to watch still haven't got a clue, or a PhD. Get plenty of calcium II lines in your spectra. Be kind to your filters. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll get to be faculty, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have grads, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll get directorship of the Max Planck at 35, maybe you'll be working as a TA in Arizona State on your 75th birthday. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Let the faculty do it - that way you'll know who to ask for letters of reccommendation from. Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it, although it is inadvisable to do it naked and smeared in jello. It's the greatest instrument that you'll ever play with, except for maybe the Mirror Lab on a holiday weekend. Read the Astrophysial Journals, even if you don't understand them. Download the Astro-ph's, even if you don't read them. Get to know your advisor. You never know when they'll be gone to Germany or Sweden for good. Be nice to your fellow students. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to loan you two hundred dollars for the graphics accelerator card. Understand that non-astronomy friends come and go, but mostly go, as you scare them with words like accretion disk, Hyashi tracks and cold bottom processing. Work hard to bridge the gaps in fashion and lifestyle, or take the easy route and wait until you become retro. Study at Caltech once, but leave before you get your pocket protector personalised and you start writing KECK larger than any other word on your overheads. Study at Arizona State once, but leave before you think that Phoenix is a nice place to live, and a green lawn is sustainable in the desert. Be careful who you choose as an advisor, but be patient with assignments they give. Assignments are a form of nostalgia, and dispensing them is a way of testing theoretical ideas that have been on their mind for a while - such as: 'What is the mass limit for a neutorn star, how many cornflakes can you fit into a neutron star, and does it count if you crunch the cornflakes up beforehand?'. Whatever you do, don't take it too seriously, but above all else trust me on the coffee. We all come out and take a bow