2001: A SKETCH COMYDEY STEWARD OBSERVATORY GRAD PLAY SCRIPT OPENING: PROPS: cheese graters, kazoos, spoons, donut SOUND: Also Sprach Also Sprach Zarathustra plays. The donut is brought out on stage. A grad student goes up to it, tentatively touches it, and runs off. When ASZ finishes, the donut is taken off and a band of grad students come out with kazoos and cheese graters. They play the Blue Danube and leave. ----- FACULTY HUNTER CAST Crazy Aussie host Patrick Craig Craig Chris Walker Jane Mike Meyer Andrea Matthias Steinmetz Jeremy George Rieke Groppi Rob Kennicutt Karen Jim Liebert Eric Another editor Andy Roger Angel Nick Air Force Woman Joannah SOUND (Jeremy) theme music PROPS radio collar coffee fund can table catwalk sign water gun penguin coffee mug tracking machinery stack of papers syringe? AO-type materials SOUND: Croc Files theme FACULTY HUNTER: G'day, and welcome to another action-packed episode of "The Faculty Hunter"! Today we'll be in Arizona, taking a look at the fascinating and diverse group called "Astronomers". [Cut scene: Night. A coffee mug set prominently in an open space. Matthias sneaks furtively up and snitches the coffee.] FH: Crikey! Our first try and we've already got a theorist! These beauties usually travel in small groups of one to as many as one at a time, and are rarely seen in the mountainous regions usually favored by other astronomers. [Leaps on Matthias, wrestling him into submission, dragging a stack of papers out of his grasp.] What a beauty! It's got a publication record as long as my arm! And a plane ticket to Germany. [shrugs] Uh, oh, look at this. [Hides in bushes as Mike (dressed in matching purple shirt and socks) comes skittering up and fishes money out of the pocket of the still dazed Matthias to drop into a can marked "Coffee Fund."] This one's a juvenile. You can tell because their plumage tends to fade as they age. [George walks by] Well, mostly. [A deep, resounding, "Duh!" echoes through the hall. Rob enters with a pack of editors, led by Jim. George, Mike, and Matthias scatter out of the way.] It's the call of a bull astrophysicist! Look at how they all defer to him. He must be the editor in chief of a major journal. [Cut scene: Catwalk of a dome. Chris Walker strolls blithely along below.] FH: Now we want to put a radio collar on one of these lovelies so we can track its movements. That means we'll need to tranquilize it. There are two ways to go about this. We can shoot 'em from here with this handy rifle. That's the sensible way; these beasties can be pretty aggressive when cornered. We could also inject the trank directly. It's ridiculously dangerous. [Puts hypo in his teeth and leaps from the catwalk. Major struggle ensues, and FH finally wrestles Walker to the ground and sticks him. Puts ridiculous, oversized radio collar on. Walker eventually gets up, rather dazed, scratches confusedly at collar, and wanders away. FH pulls out beeping piece of tracking machinery.] It looks like he's on his way up Mount Graham; he must work in the submillimeter! This is exciting! Not only are they partially diurnal, they have the largest migratory range of any astronomer. They've even been found at the South Pole! [Craig wanders in, cradling the Norwegian penguin and looks startled at the camera.] [Cut scene] FH: Let's take a peek at next week, when we'll enter the wild world of instrumentationalists. Like bower birds, these fascinating creatures collect and display shiny objects to attract the interest of grant providers. [Roger Angel gestures ritualistically at various bits of equipment, including the giant doughnut mirror, the Mama-keck, Dr. Yes' laser, and the shiny new AO system while Air Force Man looks on. Exeunt] ----- STAR TREK - THE WRATH OF CONNIE Captain James T. Liebert - Jim Liebert Eric Eisenspock - Dan Eisenstein Patrick Dr. Edward "Bongs" Olszewski - EdO Groppi Scotty - Roger Angel Jane Lt. Fuvulu - Fulvio Kris Mikey Crusher - Mike Meyer Andrea Jill Jackie Robulan Commander - Rob Kennicutt Karen Robulan Centurion - Don McCarthy Craig Connie Noonian Singh - Connie Walker Joannah PROPS manuscripts for Mikey captain's chair bridge props divider for stage bulhead to fall on Don Star Trek uniforms mini-skirt Star Trek uniform Robulan uniforms Klingon costume transporter beer VR helmet "Galaxy Bay" sign Folger's transporter effects "Twenty years later..." sign "Docking bay" sign "Zeta Reticuli V" sign communicators tricorders SOUND (Jeremy): theme door sound whoosh transporter effects fight music [Mike Meyer is sitting in a chair at a desk reading manuscripts by cranks, dressed in a pseudo-starfleet uniform, he's obviously frustrated by the lackluster quality of the manuscripts] MIKEY: I can't take this anymore; don't these crackpots ever quit? Come on man, that's not even a sentence! Please, just use one equation! Just one, throw me a bone here. You can't meaningfully describe the universe with just words! Present tense? Present tense! Your last three paragraphs were in PAST tense! Oh no, a split infinitive! I can't understand all these Microsoft attachments. THE SUN IS NOT MADE OF IRON! *GEOFF BURBIDGE* CALLED YOU AN IDIOT! Argggh! I give up, I give up! SOUND: doors [door opens with a shhh-shhh, the distinguished Captain James T. Liebert enters the chamber] LIEBERT: Ah, Mikey Crusher. Are you alright? MIKEY: Aaagghhh. They just keep coming. The Astrologers think that now that they get government funding they should be allowed into the ApJ. I must have done horribly. I'll never make captain now. LIEBERT: Its OK, Ensign Crusher, only one - person - has ever - beat - the Crankayashi Maru no-win simulation. MIKEY: yes, yes, I know. Captain James T. Liebert. SOUND: ST theme short [Beginning of Star Trek theme plays in the background. Jim looks in audience direction with goofy Jim grin] LIEBERT: And don't you forget it... (door opens, Liebert and Meyer leave, rapid set change to bridge of starship) people take their positions, and the theme now fully starts and plays for 10-20 seconds SOUND: ST theme LIEBERT: Space... The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Steward. Its five year mission-- CRAIG: Eight year mission. LIEBERT: Its *five* year mission to explore strange, new worlds; to seek out new grants, new sources of funding; to boldly go where no one has gone before! Captain's log, Stardate 206265. We are patrolling the edge of the Robulan Photodissociation Zone. The Robulan Consulate Office always seems to be empty whenever we go by, even when they were there five minutes ago when we went by on our way to the starbase. The ApJ suspects the Robulans of having a cloaking device, and our mission is to secure it. [Switch to bridge of Robulan ship. Possibly split the stage for this] ROB: He's a sorcerer, that one. We will need all our cunning to best him. CENTURION DON: Uh, Commander, we have a problem [Bridge of Steward] EISENSPOCK: Captain, I think I've found a way around our impasse. Even "researchers" who never make it into the journals emit prodigiously. LIEBERT: We can track them by their astro-ph abstracts! EISENSPOCK: Precisely. LIEBERT: Fire off those rejection letters! [Robulan bridge: explosion. A large chunk of the bulkhead falls on Centurion Don] ROB: Don't worry old friend, you will be avenged. DON: [Crawls out from under rubble and dusts himself off] No, no. I'm fine. But we'd better find a way to escape that ApJ ship. If we don't upload some of these PDF files our server will crash and we'll lose the cloak. ROB: Send them a neutrino oscillation paper! Three hundred pages of authors will completely overwhelm their production staff. [Steward bridge] EISENSPOCK: Captain, they've fired some sort of terrible new weapon. Fascinating. I've never seen anything like it, and I worked with the Sloan Consortium. Our only hope is to outrun it. LIEBERT: Bridge to engineering. Roger, I need emergency power to the engines. [nothing happens] LIEBERT: Roger, where are those engines? ROGER: Hmm, that's a very good question. EISENSPOCK: We don't have much time, captain. LIEBERT: Roger, I need those engines! ROGER: I'm afraid we'll have to build entirely new ones. I can have one on line in three years, and the next one the following spring. LIEBERT: Oh. Hmph. ROGER: I have figured out how to instantaneously teleport the ship anywhere in the galaxy, though. LIEBERT: Oh. Well. Ensign Mikey, teleport us behind that Robulan ship! [Robulan bridge: Centurion Don's console explodes, throwing him across the room.] ROB: All this skulking about, publishing in conference proceedings, it's not for the likes of we old soldiers. I'm sorry you had to die this way, old friend. It will not have been in vain. DON: I'm okay. In fact, I'm up for a 10 parsec bike ride. My Astronomy Campers have the cloaking device up and running again, too. We just need a distraction. ROB: [points offstage and yells] Is that a z=9.75 quasar? EISENSPOCK: Where?! D'oh! DON: We've lost them again, commander. [Steward bridge] EISENSPOCK: My apologies, captain. I shall endeavour to ascertain their position. Perhaps there are references in the literature. LIEBERT: No, wait. Shut down all systems. Let them come to us. [Robulan bridge] DON: I don't understand. Why are they just sitting there? ROB: I don't know. He's plotting something. Bring us closer. Open a channel. ApJ vessel, why haven't we gotten a referee's report? We submitted three months ago. [Steward bridge] LIEBERT: Ha! Hit 'em with the per-page charges! [Robulan bridge, in flames] ROB: Curses. Another time we could have been editors together... [Smoke fills bridge. Robulans exit] [Steward bridge] LIEBERT: Lieutenant Fuvulu, what is our current position? FUVULU: I think we're near Sgr A*. LIEBERT: What!? FUVULU: Oh, did I say Sgr A*? I meant the Sagittarius Dwarf. LIEBERT: Ah, fine. (frustrated again) Whats a few kiloparsecs between editors...? (alarm goes off: whup whup whup) SOUND: klaxon EISENSPOCK: Captain, I'm picking up the outline of an alien vessel. It appears to be in silent running, and their crew are in Journal Club stasis. BONGS: Jim, there are people aboard that spacecraft. Recent research has shown that the effects of prolonged exposure to Journal Club can cause backaches, leg cramps, crankiness, lack of productivity, drowsiness.. LIEBERT: (interupting) drowsiness, yes, thats what is supposed to do. Thats why it was used for long-term hibernation among astronomy departments during the 20th and 21st centuries. Your concern is noted, Bongs. BONGS: Good god, Jim. We've got to help these people! I swore to uphold the Hypocritical oath, and damn it, if I can help those people, I'm going to do whatever I can. EISENSPOCK: Captain, the Prime Focus clearly states that we can not interfere... LIEBERT: No, Bongs has a good point, damn the Prime Focus! I'm going to lead a landing party to investigate the alien vessel. Find a couple of expendable postdocs and meet me in the transporter room. [Jill, in too-short 60's Star Trek uniforms wander onto the bridge. She looks down.] JILL: You've got to be kidding. I think I saw a better costume in back. [Exit. Change scene to transporter room. Set consists of a box with two buttons: "on/off" and "Do not touch this button. EVER." Grab Doug from audience and put red shirt on him.] LIEBERT: Where's Ensign Fish? BONGS: I think I saw him talking to Laird. LIEBERT: No! We'll never get him back! Oh, well. I guess I'll have to run the transporter myself. [Looks of terror on everyone else's faces. They scramble to hide in the back of the room, leaving Ensign Doug Miller at the front.] LIEBERT: Come on, you first. [Eisenspock pushes Doug forward, trembling. Naturally, Liebert presses the "Do not touch this button" button, turning Doug into a beer.] SOUND: transporter LIEBERT: Dear god, he turned into a beer! He's inside out! And now we're out of postdocs. [Liebert looks around and grabs a random postdoc out of the audience, giving him a red shirt.] EISENSPOCK: Let me operate the transporter, Captain. SOUND: transporter [They beam into the conference room of the S.S. Galaxy Bay. CONNIE NOONIAN SINGH sits at the table, wearing some sort of virtual reality apparatus.] EISENSPOCK: Captain, this vessel appears to be over three hundred years old. LIEBERT: How could they remain in stasis for over three centuries? BONGS: The Journal Club apparatus appears to be set on "Al Cameron." Jim, we have to rescue these people! There's no telling whether they would ever awake on their own. (Liebert walks over to ship plaque and rubs it) LIEBERT: I-S-S Galaxy Bay? The Galaxy Bay (looks suprised) No, it can't be! (music signifies his comprehension for 2 seconds) [uhm... we don't have any good music for this.] MEYER: Have you heard of it, captain? LIEBERT: No, not really. (Liebert walks to Connie, cryogenically frozen, and looking straight up into a virtual reality helmet). LIEBERT: Who is this - person? EISENSPOCK: Captain, a search for the "Galaxy Bay" lead to 20,000 citations on ADS. LIEBERT: Well thats useful, can you narrow down the search parameters? EISENSPOCK: Wait, captain (looking at tricorder/cellphone/PDA?) The oldest reference is just an abstract from the 249th AAS meeting held at the McMurdo Station Hilton in January 2026. The abstract is by R. Kennicutt entitled "Goodbye - I'm Leaving Earth". LIEBERT: What? Kennicutt? Go on... EISENSPOCK: The abstract reads thusly: "I'm sick and tired of reading everybody's crap papers. Do you have any idea how much garbage I've read through in the past thirty years? A lot. Anyway, there will be a job opening for new Astrophysical Journal editor in May 2026 because I'm leaving Earth aboard my retirement craft the ISS Galaxy Bay. Goodbye." LIEBERT: Thats it? That was an AAS abstract? EISENSPOCK: yeah. LIEBERT: I wonder if he made a poster for that? anyway, I do remember this Rob Kennicutt character. He was a veteran of the fierce Hubble Wars of the late 20th century. He was some sort of genetically-enhanced astronomer, capable of sorting hundreds of pages of BS per minute. So this is Kennicutt? EISENSPOCK: No, Kennicutt never made it to the ship. It was hijacked by Connie Noonian Singh for a NATS 102 breakout session because the planetary administration of the time would not allow the classroom space to be scheduled one day a week. The ship was presumed lost with some thirty grad students and over a thousand undergraduates. LIEBERT: What a terrible waste of thirty lives! If we don't do something they may continue to drift until destroyed by a supernova or the merciless Klingons. [Jill in klingon costume from offstage. growling.] JILL: All those stories about Klingons being merciless barbarians are bogus! It's people like you who take them seriously that are the problem and ought to be thrown out of Starfleet! [Pauses with thoughful look, as if wondering whether she should have said that, and decides to barrel on.] You'd better acknowledge our peaceful nature or we'll blow you out of space! LIEBERT: Hmph. Well, we must wake them. Bongs, see to it. BONGS: Jim, her life signs are normal, at least as normal as one could be after watching 300 years of perpetual Journal Club. [Bongs messes with the controls, some lights turn on and flash, and the Journal club virtual reality helmet automatically lifts off of Connie's head. Connie shakes and blinks, and continues staring at the sky.] BONGS: Dr. Singh, Connie, you have been released from the Journal Club device. CONNIE: I can't see.. its all dark with a rectangular white light, and fuzzy text written in non-erasable marker... BONGS: It's alright, you're suffering from the after-effects of the deep Journal Club hibernation. Jim, I think we'd better get her to Sickbay. BONGS: [to Liebert] Speaking, of which, you should come by as well. You're due for a physical. LIEBERT: Yes, of course. I need some more of my "medication" anyway. BONGS: I told you, Jim. I don't prescribe that anymore. LIEBERT: Oh, all right. I'll just have to smuggle some in from the Lunar and Planetary Empire. Steward, five to beam up. [Random, well dressed, slightly smarmy individual walks onto empty Galaxy Bay set and holds up a container of instant coffee.] ANNOUNCER: We've secretly replaced the U.S.S. Steward's regular dilithium with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if they notice the difference. SOUND: transporter [Landing party arrives in transporter room] LIEBERT: [sniffing] What is that smell? Bongs, what do you think? Espresso sombra? BONGS: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a coffee bi--... uh, czar! EISENSPOCK: A more pressing question, gentlemen, is what shall we do with our new passengers? LIEBERT: Well, we could drop them off on Tau Ceti VI. I hear it's lovely this time of year. It would be fascinating to return in twenty years and see what kind of dystopian society they've created. [Sign saying, "Twenty years later. The crew have decided to gain weight and start making movies."] [Mikey Crusher is at a console under a sign saying, "Docking Bay," obviously having some difficulty. He curses and kicks it just as a group of officers arrive including Liebert, Eisenspock, and Jill.] JILL: Why don't you let a senior officer handle that? MIKEY: Senior officer? I was a Hubble ensign before you ever saw the Academy! EISENSPOCK: Hey, Weren't you an ensign in the last scene, too? MIKEY: Oh, shut up. JILL: [to LIEBERT] I will escort Ambassador HALTON ARP to his quarters. LIEBERT: Thank you. JILL: If he attempts to sabotage our redshift survey, I will prevent him. LIEBERT: Thank you, I won't doubt it. JILL: I might have to break both his arms, but he will be prevented. EISENSPOCK: I sense anger and hostility. JILL: And maybe his typing fingers. LIEBERT: Yes, yes, thank you. Just go there. And after that incident with the delegation from A.S.T.R. 515, make sure your transparency volume is set only to STUN this time! [Arp walks out of the docking bay, and he and Jill leave.] INTERCOM VOICE: Bridge to Captain. LIEBERT: Captain James Tiberius Liebert here. INTERCOM VOICE: Uh, yes. The ApJ has reported that the U.S.S. Bok does not respond to attempts at communication. Its last known position was in orbit around Tau Ceti V. LIEBERT: Hey, isn't that where we left Connie and all those NATSlings? To the bridge! [Officers return to bridge, followed shortly by Jill.] JILL: I believe there is something you should know: I met with resistance while escorting the Ambassador to his quarters. In what he later tried to pass off as a wavelength calibration error, he denied the existence of the Hubble flow and I was forced to fire several warning shots into the base of his skull. EISENSPOCK: Was your transparency volume set to STUN? JILL [distinctly unhappy]: Yes. EISENSPOCK: Captain, vessel approaching. It appears to be the Bok. [The crew is thrown across the bridge (in different directions, of course) by weapons fire.] CONNIE [on viewscreen]: We meet again, Captain Liebert. LIEBERT: Why are you doing this? CONNIE: I am seeking justice for the hell you put me and my people through, captain. LIEBERT: I don't understand. We left you with a beautiful world all your own on which to build a society. CONNIE: Yes, captain, but there was a catastrophic reorganization of the Tau Ceti system. Two of our departments were merged. After the dust settled all of the older students had TA'd, and all of the first years were exempt and Chris Impey's students were only required to put in seventeen minutes a week on web design. I was left with one second-year student preparing her prelim, taking classes, and trying to find water and food in the vast wasteland our planet had become to teach twelve sections. [A second blast rocks the Steward.] LIEBERT: After them! FUVULU: Engines are offline, captain. LIEBERT: Roger, how soon can I expect those engines? ROGER: I just need Chien to finish the beam combiner for the antimatter intermix chamber. EISENSPOCK: We've lost them, Captain. However, we are now receiving a distress call from Zeta Reticuli V, where they are developing the top-secret Tenure-Matic device. LIEBERT: It must be Connie. God knows we don't need any more random plot elements. Ensign Mikey, you'll have to get out and push. MIKEY: Aawwww [Transporter room. Liebert, Eisenspock, Bongs, and Ensign Fish (in a gold shirt) are waiting to beam down.] FISH: Woohoo! I finally got out of Laird's office, and now they've given me a gold shirt! I'm not gonna die! BONGS: Didn't you get the memo? They switched the departmental colors last week. FISH: Arse! EISENSPOCK: That brings up a good point, captain. May I remind you of Regulation 14.2b, "in order to prevent a ship from abandoning a crew-member on a hostile planet, each landing party must contain enough high-ranking officers so that the ability of the ship to function without them is reduced well below minimal standards." LIEBERT: Of course, Eisenspock. How about this; we send me, Michelle, Catalina, Joy, Sharon... EISENSPOCK: Stop! That's more than sufficient. LIEBERT: Okay, then I'll stay. EISENSPOCK: That doesn't help, Captain. LIEBERT: Oh, well, let's beam down, then. SOUND: transporter [They beam down.] LIEBERT: I wonder where we are. [F-U-2 sign comes up] LIEBERT: Apparently we are on the campus of the University of Arizona. Ensign Fish, please check what's around that corner. [Fish goes offstage] FISH: What's this sign? "Integrated Learning Cen--aaaaaaaaaaaugh!" EISENSPOCK: Captain, he appears to have fallen into a giant pit. LIEBERT: I hate it when that happens. EISENSPOCK: Especially since he had the new CCD for the 61". [CCD counter increases] LIEBERT: I don't see anything wrong down here. Liebert to Steward, do you see anything on sensors? Steward? Come in, Steward. CONNIE: [offstage, over communicator] The victory is mine, captain. Your entire crew has "volunteered" to help run my NATS 102 star party. Muahahaha! LIEBERT: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ----- BEAT POETRY CAST Liebert Jeremy EdO Groppi Gary Andy Rob Patrick The B-Fields Jane, Craig, Jackie, Nick, Karen (on trombone) Vic Kris PROPS astroscan trombone SOUNDS Grateful Dead music All are dressed as hippies. There is an astroscan sitting off to one side. Grateful Dead music is playing. SOUND: Grateful Dead GARY: Welcome to the annual Steward beat poetry reading. EDO: This takes me back to the good old days! Sitting around listening to people spout off rubbish that sounds good when you're in the appropriate state of mind. Now the closest we have is FLASH lunch! [Liebert takes the astroscan and tries to take a hit off it. Gary taps him on the shoulder and points to the eyepiece.] LIEBERT: (startled) Oh, right. [Liebert takes a long look through the astroscan. He smiles and passes it to Gary.] EDO: Speaking of FLASH lunch, where's the token NOAO scientist? Anyone? Anyone? Buell?! [Uncomfortable pause. Gary passes the astroscan to Ed.] EDO: I told you, I don't do that. Anymore. GARY: It's an astroscan. EDO: (startled) Oh, right. [Ed looks through the astroscan.] GARY: I thought we'd let Rob start off with his poem "Kubla Rob". ROB: Thank you Gary. I'm afraid I didn't manage to complete this poem. You see, I'd fallen asleep while I was refereeing a paper, and I composed this poem while I was asleep. When I awoke, I started writing it down, but I was called upon by a student on business from the dome who needed to schedule a prelim. After I found a time that would most inconvenience him, I discovered that I'd forgotten the rest of the poem. But I present for you now: Kubla Rob. In galaxies, de Vaucouleurs A stately power law did see: Where light of stars did fall away Across the red-tinged bulge's sway Until the disk was free. So twice five kiloparsecs there Were girded round with spirals fair And there were clouds with O stars bright and fell, Here lurk stygian holes of ravenous mein Clusters plunging through the potential well; and infalling clouds of hydrogen rain. But oh! that deep obscuring dust lane which slanted Down the disk plane athwart a CO cover! A savage place! so rich with H2 screaming In tortured molecular bands 'tis seeming Like woman wailing for her demon-lover! And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething, As if this cloud in fast thick pants were breathing, A mighty fountain momently was forced: In this Type II supernova burst Huge streamers vaulted like lost HVCs Unconstrained solutions to CBEs: And 'mid these dancing ion streams there spinning, Was born a pulsar synchrotron emitting. Glowing gas in Keplerian rotation Through optically thick accretion disks ran Then reached the metrics measureless to man And sank in tumult mid time dilation And above this tumult forevermore Ancestral populations metal poor On looping orbits in the halo Tracing out sad tidal streams. Proud satellites' dull embers glow Only in the thick disk's dreams. And there a miracle of rare pretense, A bar and inner Lindblad resonance! A starburst in a Seyfert I In a preprint once I saw It had drawn companions to their fate As per Zaritsky '98 Writing of a tidal snare. Could I revive within me That simulation's code To such a deep delight 'twould win me, I'd write papers overflowed By N-body modelling Of that warping disk! that resonance! And all who read should see them there, And all should cry, What fine software! And far beyond stars' fulgent glare, Dark matter halo immense With weighty lens thus warps the field Such the gravity it doth wield While baryons claim innocence. [Cheering.] GARY: Thank you Rob. Next up will be Simon & Garfunkel with "Domeward Bound". LIEBERT: We couldn't get Simon. EDO: Or Garfunkel. GARY: Oh. Then we'll have to go straight to The B-Fields. THE B-FIELDS: (to the tune of Yellow Submarine) On the LAN when I was bored I met a man who coded C and I told him of my life writing papers of astronomy We took pictures of the stars until we found one that was green And we lived up in the dome extolling virtues of photometry We won't quit until the T.O. makes us leave the T.O. makes us leave the T.O. makes us leave We won't quit until the T.O. makes us leave the T.O. makes us leave the T.O. makes us leave Out in the cold [in the cold], we think we'll freeze [think we'll freeze] taking lots of [taking lots of] spectroscopy [spectroscopy] lines in the blue [in the blue], lines in the green [and the green] until we toast ['til we toast] the C-C-D [the CCD. OH NO!!!] [CCD counter increases] We won't panic 'til we toast the CCD toast the CCD toast the CCD We all want to use the brand new MMT brand new MMT brand new MMT We won't quit until the T.O. makes us leave the T.O. makes us leave the T.O. makes us leave We won't quit until the T.O. makes us leave the T.O. makes us leave the T.O. makes us leave VIC the T.O. interrupts: "Keep it down over there, I can't hear the television! Hey -- got any objects in the north? The reception's better over there." ----- MYSTERY SCIENCE TAC 2001 CAST Dennis -> Nick EdO -> Groppi Marcia -> Jackie Chris Sharp -> Eric Betsy -> Karen Adam -> Patrick Mike M. -> Kris Props: papers for TAC members, pen/pencil for Dennis, coffee mug DENNIS starts: Welcome to Mystery Science TAC 2001. Let's see if we're all here. EdO, Marcia Rieke, Betsy Green, Adam Burrows, Chris Sharp?, Michael VON MEYER??? MIKE: Hey -- I'm young, from Steward ... With a German name, I'm a shoe-in for a German directorship! DENNIS : Fair enough. So let's get started. We have a large number of proposals this trimester, so I hope you've all read them thoroughly and have some comments on hand. [Everyone looks puzzled.] SHARP: We were supposed to read them first? DENNIS: Yes, and rank them according to scientific merit and feasibility. SHARP: Merit? Oh... M-E-R-I-T... yeah! Are any of them about pigeons? DENNIS: No. For those of you who have actually read the proposals: please keep in mind that the MMT has a lot of changes to deal with at the moment. With the new secondaries and new instruments coming on line, our science time with older instruments is somewhat limited and we want to make sure that we give the time to the best proposals. [Mike M takes SLURP of huge coffee] BETSY: So how much total MMT time do we have to allocate? DENNIS: [flips through papers] Three and a quarter bright nights, centered on New Years Day. So obviously it will be all blue channel time. MARCIA: Blue channel? But you said *bright* nights. BETSY: Yeah, so? MARCIA: But wouldn't it be better to give bright time to infrared instruments? BETSY: Whine, whine, whine. Infrared, infrared, infrared. You'd think that's all people do around here. Marcia: But-- DENNIS: So it's settled. The nights go to the proposal for spectroscopy of 30th magnitude galaxies at z=5. Now, on to the 90-inch proposals. EdO: The 90-prime camera is ready to be tested, and I'm sure everyone will want to use it. It will be able to do some great new science, it's really cool, and-- DENNIS: Well, we've got some bad news for you. EdO: What bad news? DENNIS: Betsy, maybe you could explain it a bit better. BETSY: I don't think so. I think Adam should tell him. EdO: [increasingly angry] Tell me WHAT? DENNIS: Steward has recently been looking into new and innovative ways to raise money for the department, and due to the fact that our smaller telescopes are somewhat under-subscribed, it's been decided that... EdO: Oh, just spit it out! DENNIS: We're selling some of our 90-inch time. On ebay. [MIKE chokes on his coffee in surprise] ADAM: But won't that inhibit our grad students from doing creative, slightly higher risk projects without the fear of not getting enough telescope time? [Everyone breaks out laughing.] EdO: So, there's still plenty of time for me to test and use my instrument, right? DENNIS: Yes, but in order to make this endeavour especially profitable, we've also looked into the possibility of renting out our instruments to other institutions and sending them across the globe. Kind of like renting out pressure washers from Home Depot. In fact, we decided to completely sell the 90-prime instrument. EdO: WHAT??? Sell it to who? Mike M: It's going to DISNEYLAND!! DENNIS: Well, Dennis Tito wanted a really nice digital camera for his next trip to the International Space Station. We told him that your camera's filter wheel was similar to a Jungle Safari viewmaster, and he was absolutely spell-bound. He gave us $200,000 cash for it on the spot. We felt that we couldn't pass up this opportunity to add some money to our coffers. Didn't Peter tell you the news? EdO: I've had it with this TAC. I'm leaving. [storms out] DENNIS: [crosses off something on a list] So, that makes it easier. There are 20 proposals, split pretty evenly between the B&C, the CCD, and the 256. [There is a crash offstage. Someone walks onstage with a broken instrument and increments the counter.] DENNIS: ...uhhhh, better make that... evenly split between the B&C and the 256. BETSY: So why don't we figure out the ranking for each one and discuss them in detail. ADAM: Because I have a theoretical astrophysics meeting in ten minutes! BETSY: Well, we can't just split up the nights without putting any thought into it. People put a lot of time and effort, blood sweat and tears, into these proposals. We've got careers hanging in the balance here. Who knows whether anyone will accomplish any of their science objectives that way....we just can't divide it up arbitrarily...[looks around room]....can we? ADAM: Really, that's the only FAIR thing we can do. Especially considering that our decisions will later be overturned by executive orders, I don't see why we should put any more effort into it. [Everyone nods in agreement, mumbling "Oh, OK", "yeah, sure", "whatever", "good point!"] DENNIS: Okay, well, I guess that's it. Oh, and one last thing. In order to better match the timing of our proposal deadlines with that of other institutions, we've made some changes to the schedule. Starting in 2002, MMT proposals will be accepted twice a year, once on Thanksgiving Thursday and one during the week of spring semester finals. I'm sure people will remember those dates. For the smaller telescopes, we'll take proposals four times a year, unless the first Tuesday in the trimester falls on a full moon, in which case we'll take them three times a year, unless ASU asks for any time, in which case we'll just put down TBS for the whole proposal round and let Bob Peterson figure it out. Is that clear? And for Magellan, we'll take proposals every seven years. MARCIA: Did you say seven years? How are people supposed to write proposals seven years ahead of time? BETSY: Infrared, infrared, infrared, whine, whine, whine, Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. MARCIA: But I didn't say anything about the infrared! DENNIS: Meeting adjourned. ----- DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA PROPS: overhead from Rob's class (jane has) karaoke music for "Don't cry... Argentina" penguin star + spectrum transparency phone desk pile of proposals CAST: NEWS ANCHOR Andrea ROB Jane STUDENTS random people DENNIS Wilson ED O Jeremy ANN Abby SOUND (Jackie): Don't Cry For Me... karaoke aborted music [interior -- a Steward Classroom, Galaxies course. Rob is teaching; students fill the audience; Dennis, at the back of the class, is listening.] ROB: Ah, so now we begin our section on stellar populations in the Galaxy. In your note packet you'll find a useful bibliography [puts up real overhead]. Binney and Merrifield is a good place to start. Oh, have any of you read this paper by Baade? [STUDENTS SHAKE HEADS `no'.] ROB: [looking up, gesturing with hands] No? Do you know the story behind it? Oh. It's worth telling. Let's see. During World War II, most American astronomers and physicists were put to work for the military, many on the Manhattan project. But Walter Baade, being German, wasn't allowed. As a result, he got most of the dark time on the Mt. Wilson 100" to himself. Now, Mt. Wilson has excellent seeing but terrible light pollution because it's right above Los Angeles. But during the war, LA was under blackout. And so Baade had the darkest skies Mt. Wilson has ever had, all to himself. He was able to resolve the central regions of Andromeda and its two companion galaxies into stars, which had never been done. And with the resulting HR diagrams, showing two populations of stars, he began the field of stellar populations, which we're begining today. [ Suddenly, Dennis gets an amazed look on his face. A SPECTRUM (star or QSO) APPEARS over his head instead of a lightbulb. HE RUSHES OUT of the room.] NEWS ANCHOR: Today, after last-minute negotiations failed, Arizona declared a vacation propaganda war with Argentina. Citing months of provocation, most notably that country's ground-breaking of a 1-mile wide ditch named "The Even More Grand Canyon", reports that Tucson golf courses had been invaded by patagonian crabgrass, and Argentina's new tourism slogan, "Argentina -- As Scenic as Arizona, but Cooler and with more Penguins", Governor Jane D. Hull reluctantly declared the anti-Argentina effort. The state legislature has approved drastic measures to protect the 12-billion dollar Arizona hospitality industry. Measures include sanctions on Argentinian goods, a ban on importation of Argentinian oil and cereal, and a mandate that two arms of the University of Arizona -- Steward Observatory and the Lunar and Planetary Lab -- halt their astronomical research and immediately begin considering ways to fight the Argentinian vacation menace. [DENNIS' OFFICE] DENNIS: So anyway, Mom, I just wanted to thank you for arranging that stuff for me. What? Send you papers when they come out so you can frame them? Oh, mom.... [Dennis hangs up the phone. Stands before desk, one arm outstreched, and opens his mouth to sing. Music starts... SOUND: aborted DCFMA Interrupted by EDO, entering, pissed off, who drops a foot-tall stack of proposals on Dennis' desk.] Ed.O: "Well, as you were the only one allowed to apply for MMT and Steward Magellan time, you got it. All of it. Have fun. I have to go write another insipid jingle. Maybe I'll go to Canada until this is over." [He storms out.] Dennis: [evil genius grin]: Eh--xcelent. [Repeats preparations to sing. SOUND: aborted DCFMA with phone Phone rings. Dennis picks it up.] DENNIS: Yes? Oh, hello. Thanks for calling back. Yes, I'd like to book a few flights to Chile this winter. Um, nine. Thanks! [HANGS UP. Prepares to sing again, but notes dirty desk.] DENNIS: But how can I sing when my desk's so cluttered? [Throws all the proposals out the window.] That's better. SOUND: aborted DCFMA [Again Dennis tries to sing, but interrupted as ANN walks in.] ANN: Honey, want to go see a movie tonight? DENNIS: Sorry, I can't. I'm observing on the MMT. ANN: What about tomorrow? DENNIS: Observing. ANN: Next week? Are you on the MMT next week? DENNIS: No. I'm on Magellan. ANN: Is there any time you're not observing in the next month? DENNIS: Umm [checks calendar]... yes. November 30th. It's a full moon. Though I've started writing proposals in the IR -- it seemed a shame to waste all that bright time.... ANN: Fine. I'll watch "New Jack City" by myself. [Storms out.] DENNIS: My scheme has worked. My colleagues are fighting a concocted propaganda war, leaving me free to gain power, adulation, and tenure. Even my wonderful wife is fooled -- she's heading the "Argentina Smargintina" ad campaign. Such twinges of remorse I feel! SOUND: Don't Cry... [sings melodramatically] Don't cry for me, Argentina. The truth is I need the dark time for distant clusters to prove quintessence I'll publish papers, find LMC distance. ----- INTERMISSION ----- IRON ASTRONOMER CAST: Director Straga: Peter (Jeremy) Iron Astronomer Theory: Adam (Andy) Iron Astronomer Observation: Betsy (Abbey) Iron Astronomer Instrumentation: Roger (Joannah) Commentators: Obvious-san (Patrick) the other guy (Groppi) Laird (Kris Erikson) Judging Panel: Eric (Mamajek) Nats bimbo (Karen) NSF Guy (Andrea) Dan Goldin (Craig) PROPS: salt lab stuff (duct tape, soldering irons, torches, test equipment, wires and circuit boards, aluminum foil etc). tables. chef hats blinky lights balloons duct tape aluminum foil saran wrap elastic bands OED aprons liquid nitrogen Transparencies: quote moose strange brew guys giant igloo dome with laird in eskimo-wear, SuCKsBad dewar on a dogsled. completed instruments. Low cost turn key adaptive optics system, with dry ice so it smokes. Keck model with model rocket attached for spaceship. SOUND (Jackie): theme Skit: Obvious-san: Nearly three decades ago, a man's fantasy became reality in a form never seen before: Steward Stadium, a great astronomical arena. The motivation for spending his scientific career to create Steward Stadium was to encounter new original ideas, which could be called true grant-worthy projects. To realize his dream he began choosing the top chefs of various branches of astronomy, and he named his people the Iron Astronomers, the invincible scientists of research skills. SOUND: Iron Chef theme Iron Astronomer Theory is Adam Burrows (burrows is revealed in burrowswear, holding the OED) devotes a wealth of personal attention to all his graduate students. His formidable vocabulary has never been surpassed by any challenger. Iron Astronomer Observation is Betsy Green (Betsy is revealed holding an Observer's Handbook). brings an army of undergraduates and young graduate students to her observing runs. Combined with her expertise in small telescopes this gives her a truly unique approach. [BETSY stands up, waves.] Iron Astronomer Instrumentation is Roger Angel (appears with Duct Tape and a soldering iron). uses unique ingredients to create unusual and creative instruments. Angel has never been beaten in an optical battle. Steward Stadium is the arena where the Iron Astronomers await the challenges of Big Wig Astronomers from all over the world. Both the Iron Astronomer and the challenger have one hour to tackle the theme wavelength regime of the day, using all their grant money, skill and creativity to find important results never known before. And if ever the challenger wins over the iron astronomer, he or she will gain the funding agency's ovation and fame forever. Every battle, reputations are on the line in Steward Stadium, where master astronomers pit their results against each other. What inspiration will today's challenger bring, and how will the Iron Astronomer fight back? The heat will be on! stop SOUND here Straga: If my memory serves me right, Canada is a land populated by moose and beer-swilling but polite citizens who say "eh," not by astronomers. Laird Close comes to Steward Stadium to prove this belief wrong, to pit his skills against the Iron Astronomers and bring scientific respect to his northern land. Close learned his craft at Steward Stadium from the Iron Astronomers and now he has returned to show he has learned well, and hopes to win their respect and the respect and adoration of the people. His involvement in the 8 meter ICE telescope (Incredibly Cold, Eh?) in Nunavut, Canada's largest telescope and the only telescope in the world with a mirror made entirely of ice, means he'll probably choose either Iron Astronomers Angel or Green. Let us meet this challenger and see what he has brought here today. Laird: Hello Straga-san, thank you for having me here. Straga (leaning in close): I hope you have brought your best for us today, and will succeed. Laird: Yes, I will do my best. (Laird bows and head-butts Straga by mistake.) Straga: Now I summon the Iron Astronomers! Who will it be, Dr. Close? Laird: Angel-san! (pointing at Roger Angel) Obvious-san: A titanic battle, instrumentation against instrumentation, the pupil returns to challenge the respected leader of his former research group! Will he do his former advisor Dudley Doorite McCarthy proud? Will he fly the Maple Leaf High in triumph, or will Iron Astronomer Angel squash him like a bug? We'll soon find out! Straga: It's time to unveil the mystery wavelength! (straga pulls off the veil and turns on the lightbulb. Nothing happens) Obvious-san: Ah, it must be infrared! NARRATOR: Yes, Obvious-San, today's theme wavelength is 10 microns. [Someone holds up the "1 HOUR" sign. Contestants start doing odd things with the equipment, the funnier the better.] NARRATOR: Obvious-San, what's the challenger doing with that liquid nitrogen? Obvious-san: It looks like -- yes, he's using the ice-cream maker! It looks like he remembered that it's warmer here than Canada and any ice telescope will need to be artificially cooled. NARRATOR: The challenger did spend time in Hawaii, Obvious-San. The climate shouldn't give him any problems. [Someone holds up the "30 minutes" sign.] more stuff. Improv comments. [Someone holds up the "END" sign. The contestants bring their creations (the more bizarre, the better) to the judges.] NARRATOR: Iron Astronomer Angel has created...um, damned if I know. What is that thing, Obvious-San? Obvious-man: I don't have a clue. Maybe the judges can figure it out. Laird brings up his low cost turn key adaptive optics system. Straga: Close-san, what have you done for us today? Laird: I've made a low cost, turn key adaptive optics system, perfect for the mystery wavelength and more! With this system, any telescope can get real scientific results with adaptive optics. Straga: We'll see what the judges think. laird puts down system, turns the key to on, and smoke starts to come out. [NSF MAN holds up Laird's instrument, examining it from all sides, and tries to look through it wherever it looks plausible to do so. He types some numbers into a calculator.] NSF GUY: I'm sorry, you finished constructing this three milliseconds after the buzzer. Please submit it next episode. [Hands it to Goldin] DAN GOLDIN: Ooh! Shiny! Blinky lights! We'll take it! Now what does it do again? NATSling: This thing says "10 mu-m". Mu m? I've never heard of that fraternity. Eric: I don't know if you're important enough to sign my wall. How about I just annoy you and your friends? By the way, what the hell is this thing? Now for the Iron Astronomer: Straga: Angel-san please tell us what this thing is. Angel: I really pulled all the stops out for this gadget. I've built a scale model of a giant space telescope/spaceship, designed to find image and take spectra of habitable earthlike planets, then fly to them for colonization! It all will take only 1000 years to complete and produce results. And at 150 quadrillion dollars, it's a bargain. NSF MAN: I like the idea, Iron Astronomer, but your supplies cost 74 cents more than the budget. [He hands the thing to Dan Goldin] Dan Goldin: A space telescope? Great! Let me get my checkbook. I'll never have to balance this budget after next month anyway! [He hands it to the NATS student. She finds the most mirror-like surface and checks her hair.] NATSling: This wasn't in the notes! Is it going to be on the test? Eric: The Iron Astronmer has already signed my wall. This has to be the best idea! And now for the judgement. Straga: And the winner is: The Iron Astronomer! cheers Obvious-san: So, judges, why did you make this decision? NSF Man: Well, frankly we found the Iron Astronomer's approach more belivable. Obvious-san: This makes it 42 contests in a row that Angel has won. No wonder he's one of director Straga's favorite Iron Astronomers. ----- I LOVE LUCY'S HOMEWORK! CAST: GRAD STUDENT A Jackie GRAD STUDENT B Jane ROB Karen DENNIS Wilson LUCY Andrea CRANK-TURNER Jeremy GEORGE Groppi JOHN COCKE Craig IMPEY Andy PROPS: POSTER from "I love Lucy" TV show, with " 's homework" scribbled in CONVEYER BELT, turned by hand via a crank. It should be 2-3 meters long, about 3-4 feet off the ground. Belt must have v >= fast walking speed. COHEN-TANNOUDJI RYBICKI AND LIGHTMAN SYLLABI NOTEBOOKS STACKS OF LOOSE PAPER PHONE INKBLOTS CHRISTOFFAL SYMBOL pages (~20) (large cap gammas on each.) IMPEY PROBLEM (page-long solid block of questions) SOUND (Patrick): theme SOUND: I Love Lucy theme Enter GRAD STUDENTS, optimistic, eager, and happy. Carry shiny new TEXTBOOKS, course SYLLABI, and NOTEBOOKS. [LUCY DROPS 2 PAGES on conveyer.] LUCY: If any piece of homework reaches the end of the conveyor belt unfinished, you'll fail your grad courses! GRAD: Yes, sir! Uh, ma'am! Uh... professor! LUCY: [BELLOWING] Start it up! [Conveyor belt starts] [GRADS whip out pencils and start writing.] GRAD A: Vibrational... GRAD B: Rotational... GRAD A: Rovibrational. Okay, that's CO. [GRADs put papers back on conveyer belt; they reach end and drop off. [LUCY drops 2 more pages on conveyer. Grads look at each other.] GRAD B: It's the last problem, only for 13CO! [They shrug at each other, start walking alongside belt, scribbling. Almost done as paper drops off belt.] GRAD A: Whew! I'm glad that's done. Now I can do research! ROB: Classify these galaxies. [ROB drops Steward Heritage photos on belt, one by one.] [GRAD A HOLDS INKBLOT UP TO AUDIENCE] GRAD A: What do you think? Flocculent spiral? [SCRIBBLES ON PAPER, puts back on belt, picks up another.] GRAD B: Umm, elliptical galaxy? [ANOTHER] GRAD A: Um, merging galaxy, classification impossible? [ANOTHER] GRAD B: Going blind, couldn't say. [JOHN COCKE STEPS UP. DROPS CHRISTOFAL symbol pages on belt.] GRAD A: Christoffal symbol? Easy! [GRAD A HOLDS UP paper with large gallows-like symbol.] [In alarm, GRAD B spies the other 63 cristoffal symbols coming down the belt.] GRAD B: Calculate all 64!? [GRADS pull out sharpies and draw little hangmen on them.] [JOHN COCKE adds another page.] GRAD A: Derive stable orbits in a Kerr metric? GRAD B: We don't have time. Let's assume they're Newtonian. [scribbles] [IMPEY STEPS UP] IMPEY: You seem to be doing fine. Speed it up! I need to be on a plane to Botswana in an hour. [Conveyor belt speeds up] IMPEY: I only have one problem for you. [IMPEY drops problem on the belt. GRAD A picks it up, shows it to the audience and to GRAD B. It is a page-long solid block of text.] GRAD A: ACK! I'd better number them to keep track. [Scribbles.] Number six, part b, subsection iv.... [RODGER THOMPSON adds paper to the belt.] RODGER: Derive the hydrogen wavefunction. GRAD B: It's in Cohen-Tannoudji! [Shoves paper in book, throws back on belt.] [RODGER adds another page to belt.] GRAD A: Thomson cross-section? Eat Rybiki and Lightman, foul problem! [Repeats throwing the book approach.] [DENNIS drops page on belt.] GRAD B: Run N-body simulations of merging galaxies? [She looks at grad A.] [GRAD A GRABS THE PAGE AND STARTS EATING IT.] [PHIL, GEORGE, LUCY, ROB, RODGER all approach the belt's input. They all DUMP paper.] [GRADS ARE *REALLY* alarmed.] GRAD A: Derive the hydrogen burning limit? [Stuffs the page down her shirt.] GRAD B: Design and space-test a Pb:Bi detector with quantum efficiency greater than 90% from the far UV to the mid-infrared. Don't spend more than half an hour. [GRAD B starts ripping it into little pieces.] GRAD A: Derive the transition wavelengths and strengths of caffeine (IR only)? GRAD B: Derive the ultraviolet transitions of DNA? AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! [They fall down in the stack of papers that have fallen off the belt. Paper rains down on them.] DENNIS: Really, you should consider classes as a resource! ----- SCOPE WARS CAST: Princess Ann - Abby Tod Skylauer - Nick Siegler Jeremy-Wan Kenobi - Kris E. Dennis Solo - Wilson Philbacca - Eric H2-D+ - Jane 3C-273 - Andrea NOAO Desk Monster - Jackie Emperor Strittmatter - Jeremy B. John Cocke - Craig Darth Impey - Karen Darth Rieke - Chris G. Admiral Angel - Patrick Gary - Andy Dave - Patrick Ben D. Oppenheimer - Andy Sharon Jones - Jackie Ed O. - Chris G. Crazy Eric - Craig Stormtrooper 1 - Andy Stormtrooper 2 - Hee-Jong Elevator door 1 - Jackie Elevator door 2 - Patrick PROPS: uh... too many to count. See the props list. AUDIO: Ditto. Put up 20/20 Century Fox transparency SOUND: Fox fanfare 20th Century Fox theme music (real thing) Put up transparency "A short time from now, in a nearby SBc galaxy..." Theme music (kazoo band) Put up Scope Wars transparency "It is a dark time for Steward Observatory. As office space dwindles, the Emperor Strittmatter has ordered that the faculty members share offices to accomodate the 50 graduate students newly admitted to the program. To fund the ranks of his swelling army, Emperor Strittmatter has seized control of the payroll and grant departments of Governor Hull. During the battle, faculty spies have managed to steal copies of Emperor Strittmatter's plans for the DEATH SCOPE, an armored binocular superweapon with the capability to permanently cloud out any telescope site in the world. Pursued by the Emperor's evil agents, Princess Ann Zabludoff flees Steward carrying the secret plans which can save her research and restore freedom to the observatory... ---------------------------- SCENE 1: Steward Observatory ---------------------------- Ann, wearing earmuffs, opens her door, looks up an down the hall. She ducks back into her office, reappears with a tape labeled "Secret plans". H2-D+ and 3C-273 enter. Ann runs up to them. Ann: "H2D+! 3C-273! You have to help me! This tape contains the plans for Emperor Strittmatter's secret weapon on Mt. Graham. You have to take it to Jeremy-Wan Kenobi." H2-D+: "Ffffwwwttt-wooo-ffwwttt!" 3C-273: "Jeremy-Wan Kenobi?" Ann: "Yes! He's the last of the AURA knights." 3C-273: "'AURA knight'? What's that?" Ann: "Well, it's sort of like a Jedi knight... except that Lucasfilm can't sue us for having them in the play. He lives on the desert planet Noaooine." 3C-273: "Noao- I'm sorry could you spell that out?" Ann: "Okay, N-O-A-O" Stormtroopers enter the hallway. Ann: "Uh-oh, they've found me! Quick, take the tape and hide under here." They hide under a table. The two stormtrooper come running up. Stormtrooper (Hee-Jong): "There's one!" Stormtrooper (Andy): "Don't move!" John Cocke enters, wearing a Darth Vader mask. Ann: "John Cocke? You're not working for Emperor Strittmatter now, too?" John Cocke: "I've turned to the dark side of ... the Metric. Take her away!" Stormtrooper 2 (Hee-Jong) escorts Ann offstage at ray-gunpoint. Stormtrooper 1 (Andy): "The Princess didn't have the tape with the secret plans." John Cocke: "She must have hidden it somewhere nearby. Search the area." Stormtrooper bends down and picks up a beer mug. Stormtrooper: "Look, sir! Postdocs!" John Cocke: "Send a detachment down to morning coffee to find those postdocs and retrieve the plans. See to it personally, commander." Stormtrooper: "Yes, sir." Stormtrooper and John Cocke exit. H2-D+ and 3C-273 come out of hiding. H2D+: "Fffwooo-wheeet?" 3c-273: "Yes, I agree. Well, she is from Harvard, you know. We'd better find this Jeremy-Wan Kenobi. Where did she say he was again?" H2D+: "Ffft-wheet!" 3C-273: "Noaooine? What a terrible place! It's a desolate desert planet in the Tucson system, an inhospitable cultural backwater!" H2D+: "Whoo-rrrrr-rrrtt!" 3c-273: "Oh, you WOULD think cacti are pretty." Something dreadful with tentacles enters on the other side of the stage and sits down at the desk. It puts down an NOAO sign, and a clipboard. The postdocs walk towards it. The tentacled thing shakes its fist at them. It holds up a clipboard and points at it, shakes the pen in 3c's face angrily. Desk Monster: "BBBlllAaaeegHH. PLbbbrrrggg." 3C-273: "We have to sign in?" Desk Monster: "Arrrgllll, guuuoUrrGghh." C-3PO tries to pick up the pen, but the aluminum foil wrapped around his hands gets in the way. He knocks the pen off the desk. Desk Monster: "fFFFLllBBTTTT!!! BOArGGFFFH!!!" 3C-273: "I'm sorry! There's no need to get upset! H2D+, maybe you'd better sign in!" H2D+: "Whooo-whoo-eeet!" A stick with a pencil tape emerges from a hole in the side of R2-D2. The desk monster lowers the clipboard and R2-D2 begins to scrawl all over the paper. The desk monster is obviously unhappy and begins to pound on the table. Desk Monster: "VVeerGGGGGGHHAaaaUGGGH! FFFTToorppPPPKKK! GrOM!" 3C-273: "Oh, dear!" Tod Skylauer enters. Tod: "Is there a problem?" 3C-273: "Well, sir, Princess Ann sent us over here from Steward Observatory, but we can't seem to get past the sign-in sheet." Tod: "Oh, yeah? Are you any good at presenting your research?" 3C-273: "Well, yes...I am versed in 6 million methods of astronomical obsfuscation...." Tod: "Terrific! You can give a talk at Friday lunch next week!" 3C-273: "Uh, I suppose I could, but..." Tod: "Great! I'll sign you up!" He signs the sheet for them. Jeremy enters. Tod: "Jeremy, there's some postdocs here to see you!" Jeremy: "Well, what have we here?" Another stick pokes out of a hole in R2-D2. This one has a Princess Leia action figure dangling from the end. R2-D2(Ann voice): "Help me Jeremy-Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!" Tod: "Whoa!" R2-D2(Ann voice): "I have been captured by the evil agents of Emperor Strittmatter! I have given a tape with the secret plans for his new superweapon to these two postdocs. You must see them safely delivered to John Huchra at Harvard University!" The stick retracts. Tod: "This sounds important!" Jeremy: "Indeed it is. We'd better get going." Jeremy grabs a baseball cap, gravely puts it on. The desk monster exits. Jeremy, Tod and the postdocs walk to the farside of the stage. A sign reading "Los Angeles" appears. Tod and Jeremy look across the stage. Jeremy: "Ah, Pasadena." Tod: "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villiany." You really think we'll find a pilot here that'll take us to Boston?" Jeremy: "Most of the great scientific minds come through here sooner or later. But we must be cautious." Dennis and Philbacca enter and sit down at a table. Jeremy: "These two look like a respectable pair of scientists." Dennis: "I'm Dennis Solo, and this is my associate, Phil-bacca." Philbacca: "Rrawaaa!" Dennis: "So, you guys need a lift to Harvard University." Jeremy: "Yes, indeed, if it's a fast ship." Dennis: "Fast ship? You've never heard of the Millenium Cadillac?" Tod: "Cadillac? Uh... which millenium, exactly?" Dennis: "What's your cargo?" Jeremy: "Only ourselves, the two postdocs... and we don't want Emperor Strittmatter to hear anything about it." Dennis: "Uh-oh. The Emperor...." Tod: "Do you work for the Steward Empire?" Dennis: "I work for whoever can get me the most telescope time." Jeremy: "We have access to more Gemini time than you could ever imagine." Dennis: "I don't know... I can imagine quite a bit." Jeremy: "Name your price." Dennis: "I want four weeks of dark time." Tod: "Four WEEKS?! We could just about redo Jill Bechtold's thesis at a redshift of 10 with that!" Dennis: "Yeah, but you couldn't dress up as Princess Leia for a grad play." Tod: (stands up) "Look, buddy, I don't see YOU wearing a BATHROBE!" Jeremy: "We can get you 6 weeks on Gemini and 6 orbits of Space Telescope GTO time, but you and your wife will have to write your proposal two years in advance." Dennis tilts his head, looks dubious. Dennis: "TWO years in advance?" Jeremy: "And we can get your name off of the Allsteward mailing list." Dennis: "It's a deal!" He stands, they shake. Dennis: "Follow me!" Millenium Cadillac rolls onto stage. They walk over to it, Tod and Jeremy stop and stare. Tod: "What a piece of junk!" Dennis: "Here she is. I just finished upgrading the software." Tod: "You've installed software on a 1968 Caddie?" Dennis: "Yep. It's got TCS and the controls for the 2K by 2K CCD electronics." Jeremy: "You know, those CCDs never last." Tod: "How much did you pay for this thing?" Dennis: "Nothing. In fact, this funny guy in purple pants and an orange shirt gave me 20 nights on Magellan and three month's of SIRTF time to take it off his hands." Tod: "Well, you got ripped off!" Dennis glares at him. Dennis, Phil get into the cadillac. Jeremy: "Where do we put the postdocs?" Dennis: "Oh, just bungee-cord them into the trunk." H2D+: "Fwwwt-rooo!" 3C-273: "Um..." Tod and Jeremy put the droids in back, take their seats. Dennis: "Powering up." The sound of an engine having trouble turning over. SOUND: trouble starting Dennis: "Engaging hyperdrive screensaver!" SOUND: whoooosh ------------------ SCENE 2: Mt Graham ------------------ A "Pepsi" sign appears with the Mt. Graham sign. Admiral Angel enters with the AO laser and begins making adjustments. Darth Rieke and Darth Impey enter. George: "So, we have corporate sponsorship now, do we?" Impey: "It's a multi-million dollar contract. You can see the logo on the telescope enclosure for 50 miles. Nike was going to paint the swoosh on the telescope, too, but the stormtroopers started holding protests in front of President Likins' office." They walk over to Admiral Angel George: "What does it DO, exactly?" Roger: "The double 20m aperture focuses the 1.21 Gigawatt infrared laser over a competing telescope site such Mauna Kea. As a result, the atmosphere is heated, creating a low pressure system. Almost immediately, monsoon-like weather conditions emerge, making observation impossible. Impey: "Sounds like another far-fetched plot device to me." Roger: "Naturally, putting an array of these in geosynchronous orbit would give us unparalleled access to weather worldwide, and would be the next-generation in turn-key competitive weather control." George: "Nah, it's just another Angel-ism. It'll probably work if we throw enough money at it." Impey: "The Steward Imperial TAC will never give you enough time to do all this." Peter enters with John Cocke. Peter: "The Imperial TAC is no longer a concern of ours. I have disbanded the counsel and will assign the time as I see fit." Roger: "This telescope is now the ultimate power in the Astronomical community. I suggest we use it!" John Cocke: "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed! The power to destroy an entire week of dark time is insignificant next to the power of the Metric!" George: "The 'Metric'! Nobody cares about your Metric! The only things that matter are light-collecting power and sensitivity in the mid-infrared." John Cocke raises a hand angrily at Darth Rieke. Nothing happens. John Cocke flicks his hand outward and sweeps it back towards George. A piece of chalk pings George in the back of the head from offstage. George: "Ow!" John Cocke: "I find your lack of faith disturbing." Impey: "He telekinesed chalk at you?" George rubs his head (or wherever the chalk hit). John Cocke lifts his helmet, looks at the audience and points at his mask. John Cocke: "Retirement just keeps getting better and better!" Sharon Jones enters. Sharon Jones: "Peter, don't forget your wedding anniversary is coming up!" Peter: "Thank you, Sharon." Sharon exits. John Cocke puts his mask back on. Peter: "What do you buy for a second anniversary, anyways?" Impey: "Let's see, the 50th is gold, the thirtieth is pearls..." George: "I'm pretty sure the 2nd is National Institutions." Peter: "Hmmm..." Idea lightbulb. NOAO front doors picture appears, disappears. Peter: "Bring the Princess! It's time to demonstrate the full power of this facilty. Admiral Angel, set your coordinates for.... Harvard University!" Roger: "With pleasure." Sound of dome moving. Telescope begins to swivel towards the empty part of the stage. Dome stops. Everyone looks a bit bored and impatient. George: "Where are those stormtroopers with the Princess, already?" Roger looks back into the staging area. Roger: "I believe they're still trying to finish your midterm." Stormtrooper 2 (Hee-Jong) enters with Ann, who's wearing cinnamon buns. Peter: "Princess Ann! How good of you to join us!" Ann: "Do your worst, Emperor Strittmatter! I'm not scared of you, or your Death Scope!" Peter: "Oh, you will be! You will be! You see, Princess, in a way you have chosen the target for our first test of the Death Scope. I have decided to test this telescope's destructive power on Cambridge, Massachusetts!" Ann: "No! Harvard Square is peaceful! We have no telescopes! We don't even have a decent tenure system!" Peter: "Then tell me where the faculty rebels are!" Ann: "Never." Peter: "Admiral Angel, the view screen!" Roger finishes moving the telescope, pushes a few buttons. Everyone looks as Gary enters, wearing a Red Sox hat and carrying a baseball bat. He steps up to bat, swings, and cheers are heard. SOUND: crowd Peter: "Strike one!" Ann: "It's ... it's Fenway Park?" Peter: "Yes, your Highness." Gary swings and misses. Peter: "Strike two! It's the bottom of the ninth inning. The Red Sox are down by one, with two outs and two men on base. I've contracted Gary Schmidt to infiltrate the team. He will strike out only if he receives our transmission from the Death Scope." Gary touches his ear, like he's listening a secret earbug. He turns and waves at Ann. Gary: "Hi, Ann!" Ann: "Gary! How could you?" Peter: "Tell me where the rebel astronomers are, or the Red Sox lose and we move to our next target... the Philadelphia Phillies!" Ann: "You ...monster!" Peter: "Where are the faculty hiding?" Ann: (hangs head) "ASU. They're hiding at ASU." Peter: "You see, gentlemen? She can be reasonable. You may fire at will." Ann: "WHAT?!" Peter: "ASU is too remote to make an effective demonstration. But don't worry, we'll deal with your faculty associates soon enough!" Ann: "No!" Roger aims the telescope at Gary. Roger: "Laser cooling system engaged." George: "Target acquired." Roger: "Begin countdown." Impey: "3...2...1..." Roger pushes a button. Sound effect. Gary touches his ear. He swings, misses. Peter: "Strike 3!" Ann looks discouraged. Peter claps his hands gleefully as the Stormtrooper exits with Ann. Peter: "It's just like cricket!" Peter et al. exit. ------------------------------------------- SCENE 3: Interstate 95, approaching Boston ------------------------------------------- The Cadillac pulls up. Tod: "Jeremy, what's wrong?" Jeremy: "I felt a great disturbance... as if hundreds of Red Sox fans cried out in terror, then were suddenly crushed by the Yankees." Dennis: "Hold on, we're approaching Harvard Square. Disengaging hyperdrive screensaver. Phil, can you get out a street map of Cambridge?" Philbacca fishes around in the glove compartment suddenly looks up and points at something in alarm. Philbacca: "Rrrawah!" Dennis: "What the heck!?" Jeremy: "What is it?" Dennis: "We're at the right coordinates, but I can't find the CfA anywhere! We've come out into a storm of bad drivers and construction signs!" Tod: "Is it an asteroid field?" Dennis: "No, it's the Big Dig!" 3C-273: "Look out!!" Dennis: "Hold on!" Everybody in the cadillac leans to one side, as Dennis swerves. Tod: "You're not actually going to DRIVE into the Big Dig, are you?" 3C-273: "Sir, the chances of finding your way out of such a majorly over-budgeted highway project are 720,000,000 to 1!" Dennis: "Never tell me the odds." SOUND: asteroid field Music from the Asteroid Belt plays. Everyone leans side to side as the cadillac manouvers through an imaginary obtacle course. A "CfA" sign appears. The cadillac stops in front of it. Dennis: "Tah-dah." Tod: "So... where do we park?" 3C-273: "Wasn't there a garage just back there?" Ben D. Oppenheimer appears, carrying a sign: "PARKING $75" Dennis: (sighs) "Better park the car, Phil. Charge it to my Packard Fellowship." Philbacca: "RRwwwwaaa!" Everyone gets out of the Cadillac, Phil hands the parking attendant money. Behind them, the signs for Margaret Geller and John Huchra's offices appear. They walk over to John Huchra's office. Dennis: "Hey, where is everybody?" Ben D.: "Don't you, know? It's a municipal day of mourning. The Yankees took the championship." Tod wanders into Margaret Geller's office. He picks up her glasses, peers through them and reels backwards a few steps. He replaces them, blinking in pain. He sees something else on her desk, picks up a video tape. Tod: "What's this?" Jeremy: "'So Many Galaxies, So Little Time: The Special Edition'?" Tod: "Oooo, the Special Edition! We better take this. Here, H2D+, hang on to this, will you?" H2D+: "Fwwwtt-wooo-eeeet!" Everyone trudges back to the cadillac. Dennis: "So, Ben, this is your new job?" Ben D. Oppenheimer: "Harvard's my alma mater, you know." Tod: "I didn't know they gave out A.B.'s in parking garage administration." Everyone gets in the cadillac. Ben D. exits. Dennis: "I guess there's nothing here. Where do you want to go now?" Jeremy: "We must use the Force to determine the best course to take." Tod: "The Force?" Dennis: "It's all nonsense, pal. Trust me. Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good observing proposal." Dave Arnett approaches, wearing Yoda-ears. Dave: "The Force, like carbon-dioxide it is. Produced by all living things, surrounds us it does, yet see it nor smell nor taste it we cannot, until, one day, on the conference room of our own starship, asphyxiates us it does." Jeremy: "Ah. You are wise, master theorist." Dave nods and exit. Tod: "What did that mean, exactly?" Jeremy: "I have no idea." Dennis: "Powering up." SOUND: car starts The engine start up sounds are heard. A signpost with two roadsigns appears. They drive towards it. Jeremy: "Burbidge the Hutt this way..." Philbacca: "Rrraaaaggh!" 3C-273: "Mt. Graham Death Scope that way..." Tod: "Right! Death Scope, here we come!" Dennis: "Engaging hyperdrive screensaver!" SOUND: whoooosh ------------------------------- SCENE 5: Approaching Mt. Graham ------------------------------- They putter along, and a "Mt. Graham" sign approaches. Another sign says "Stout's Cider Mill". Tod: "Wow, look at the size of that apple pie!" Another sign says "5 billion lightyears to The Thing!". Everybody exchanges a look, and shrugs. Then "Senor Foltz's Fish Tacos." Dennis: "We're approaching Mt. Graham." Tod: "It looks like we're on a vector for that giant metal sugar cube!" Phil: "Rrrwwaaahh!" Jeremy: "That's no giant metal sugar cube... that's a telescope enclosure." Dennis: "It's the Steward Empire Death Scope!" Tod: "I have a bad feeling about this..." Jeremy: "We should turn around before they see us." Dennis: "Too late! We're caught in some kind of... Steward Acquisition beam! It's pulling us toward it!" Philbacca: "Rwaaa!" Dennis: "Aw, c'mon!" (he leans out of the driver's side window) "We don't even LOOK like NOAO!!!" Tod and Jeremy exchange a look, start whistling. Dennis smacks his head. Phil: "Rrwwaw." Tod: "Maybe you should have taken off Mayall's Kitt Peak bumper sticker?" They look up and around in awe as they are sucked into the Death Scope. A sign the says "You are now entering the Death Scope: Population - 3" rolls by. Another sign: "Drink Pepsi". Stormtrooper 1 (Andy) comes running up to the Cadillac, points his blaster at the occupants. Stormtrooper 1: "You there! Hands in the air!" Everyone puts the their hands in the air. Stormtrooper 1: "Get out of the vehicle!" Everyone gets out. Stormtrooper 1: "Are these your postdocs?" Jeremy: "These are not the postdocs you are looking for." Stormtrooper 1: "They're not? Okay, buddy, let me see your scientific justification." Jeremy: "You don't need to see our scientific justification." Stormtrooper 1: "What, do you think I'm the Keck TAC or something?" Jeremy: [to audience] "Oh, bother. That should have worked." Dennis: "Um, excuse me, are you the only person staffing this facilty?" Stormtrooper 1: "No, there's also a programmer and a night custodian on duty now." Tod: "Shouldn't there be more of you at a big telescope like this?" Stormtrooper 1: "Normally, yes, but Emperor Strittmatter wants to use this observatory to demonstrate how he can run a tight operation with minimal staff and a lower budget." Dennis: "Oh." There is a moment of silence. Dennis, Phil, Jeremy and Tod look at each other. They look at the stormtrooper. Stormtrooper 1: "Uh..." Tod: "Get him!" Dennis and Phil jump the guy, Jeremy grabs his mask, and Tod wrestles away the blaster. Dennis puts on the mask and takes the blaster. Dennis: "Right. Let's find the Princess." The ELEVATOR OF DOOM appears. They run over and push the up button. Screeching and crashing sounds are heard, and a mechanical racheting. Tod: "Uh, on second thought, let's take the stairs..." They run back and forth once or twice. Andy gets up, exits discreetly to acquire new stormtrooper mask backstage. Tod: "This place is huge! How do we find the Princess?" Jeremy: "Calm down, Tod. You must listen to the Force." SOUND: Tupac They stop running for a second. The sound of Tupac can be heard faintly. 3C-273: "What is that offensive sound?" Jeremy: "It sounds like 'gangsta rap'." They run offstage. Ann appears behind bars, wearing headphones, bopping slightly. The sound of Tupac fills the air. Darth Impey and Darth Rieke appear, holding their hands to their ears. Impey: "Geez, can't she turn that down?" Rieke: "I can't believe she can still hear! I'm going up to the control room!" Impey "I'll come with you!" They exit. The heros enter hands on ears. Dennis blasts the lock, Tod walks up to Ann, taps her on the shoulder. Ann: (pulling up earphone) "Huh?" Tod: (yelling) HELLO, PRINCESS ANN? WE'RE HERE TO RESCUE YOU! WE'RE HERE WITH JEREMY-WAN KENOBI!! Ann: "You're here with who?" Tod: (points) "JEREMY-WAN KENOBI! stop SOUND: Tupac Ann: "Oh!" (Turns down music, unplugs earphones.)"Jeremy-Wan Kenobi!" Jeremy: "We have the postdocs with the secret plans." Ann: "Just a minute." Ann takes off the headphones, puts on bagels. Dennis: "Uh-oh, somebody's coming!" They run toward the ELEVATOR OF DOOM. Dennis: "Quick, hide! I've got an idea!" Everyone hides but Dennis. Dennis pushes the button for the elevator. Stormtroopers 1 and 2 enter. Stormtrooper 1 (Andy): "Where's the Princess?" Dennis: "I saw them go into the elevator!" Elevator doors open. Stormtroopers run in. Doors close. Crashing and grinding heard. Screams. More crashing and grinding. Everyone comes out of hiding and winces. Dennis takes off the mask. Ann: "Oooo!" Tod: "Let's get out of here." Darth Impey and Darth Rieke enter, followed by John Cocke and Peter. Peter: "Not so fast! You still have to get past my associate directors. Destroy them, my servants." Jeremy-Wan Kenobi lights up a green lightsaber. Impey lights up a double-bladed red lightsaber. George pulls out a lightsaber handle. Everyone looks at him. George: "What? It's an infrared lightsaber." Impey: "Yeah, sure it is." (George pokes him) "-ow! Watch it with that thing!" Darth Rieke and Darth Impey charge at Jeremy, he defeats them. Jeremy: "I've defeated your minions, Emperor Strittmatter. Come and face me, director to director!" John Cocke steps forward, G.R. book under his arm, wielding the CHALK. John Cocke: "You have to get past me first!" John Cocke attacks Jeremy, who fends him off. The chalk breaks, and John Cocke backs up a few steps. John Cocke: "You know, there are two kinds of chalk in this world: Good American chalk, and this CHEAP FOREIGN CRAP!" John Cocke throws the chalk at Jeremy's chest, and Jeremy staggers back, dropping the lightsaber. Jeremy: "Ow!" Tod: "Jeremy! Nooooooo!" He grabs the green lightsaber, attacks John Cocke. John Cocke defends with the G.R. book. John Cocke: "The Metric is strong with you, young Skylauer, but you are not an AURA knight yet." He knocks the lightsaber out of Tod's hands and forces him to the ground, holding the GR book at Tod's throat. Ann sneaks up behind them. John Cocke: "Jeremy-Wan Kenobi never told you what happened to your graduate advisor..." Tod: "Sandy Faber?" John Cocke: "Yes." Tod: "No offense, man, but Sandy Faber could kick your butt in a lightsaber duel anyday." Ann pulls out a cheesegrater. Shows it to the audience. She whaps John Cocke on the shoulder with it. He falls over. John Cocke: "Most impressive. You are a true master." Ann: "You better believe it." Ann helps Tod up, Dennis help Jeremy up. Peter: "You may have won today, but you cannot escape my Death Scope forever!" Peter exits. The heros go over to the cadillac. ELEVATOR OF DOOM and contents exit. Ann stares at it as everyone gets in. Ann: "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought!" Dennis: "Hmmph." Ann tries to squeeze in between Dennis and Philbacca. Ann: "Will...somebody...get this big walking carpet... out of my WAY?!" Phil: "Rwwwa!" Dennis inserts the key. The engine refuses to turn over. Ann: "Would it helped if I got up and pushed?" Dennis: "The lightspeed screensaver won't disengage!" Jeremy: "Did you try Ctrl-Alt-Delete?" Dennis: "Oh, yeah!" The engine starts, they take off. Tod: "Alright!" Dennis: "We're not out of it yet! I think Emperor Strittmatter sent a bunch of programmers from the technical division after us, and they're trying to hack in!" Ann: "It's possible to hack into a 1968 cadillac?!" Sparks fly. Phil: "Rrrwwaa!" Dennis: "Good idea Philbacca! Do it quick!" Ann: "What's he doing?" Dennis: "He's uploading Quake III onto their ship's computers. That ought to slow them down!" Tod: "It's working! The technical division has broken off their attack to start an eight player network game!" Jeremy: "We're in the clear." Dennis: "Engaging screensaver! Where is this secret faculty base, anyways?" Ann: "Eric's Fine Foods and Ice Cream, of course!" --------------------------------------- Scene 7: Eric's Fine Foods and Ice Cream --------------------------------------- Signs for University of Arizona campus and Eric's Fine Food and Ice Cream appear. Tod: "You just knocked over one of the U of A parking meters!" Everyone looks over the side of the car at the meter. Ann: "Kind of cathartic, isn't it?" Dennis: "It certainly is." They exit the vehicle and sit down at Eric's. Eric enters with the TV and VCR. Eric: "Potato chips?" Jeremy: "No, thank you." Eric dumps potato chips on his plate anyways, goes up to Ann. Dennis turns on the VCR and TV. Ann takes off one of the bagels and starts munching. Eric: "Potato chips?" Ann: "I'm alright, thanks." Eric: "Who are you?" Ann: "Uh... I'm Princess Ann." Eric: "Are you a real princess?" Ann: "Well... yes. Sort of." Eric: "Sort of?" Dennis: "Okay! Let's see these secret Death Scope plans!" Ann: "Right. H2D+, could you give us the video now?" H2D+: "Fwtttt-fwooo-eeet?" 3C-273: "What do you mean, what video? The one your carrying inside your rusty innards!" H2D+: "Wooo-eeet-whooo!" Tod: "What's the problem?" 3C-273: "He seems to be having some kind of malfunction, sir. He doesn't know what tape we're talking about. Maybe you'd better take a look at him." Tod stands up, looks at H2D+, knocks on him a few times. Kicks him in the bum. "So many Galaxies" tape pops out. Dennis picks it up and inserts it into the VCR. Eric: "Because if you're not a REAL princess, I don't want you to sign my wall." Ann: ".... Riiight." The title "So Many Galaxies, so Little Time" appears. Ann: "What?!" The scroll starts. Ann stands up and starts toward the VCR. Ann: "No, no, it's the wrong tape! It's the WRONG TAPE!" Dennis waves her back down. Ann starts panicking. Dennis: "Hang on, this is interesting..." Ann: "Turn it off! Turn it OFF!!" Tod: "Is that YOU? That hairstyle beats the bagels." Ann holds her head in her hands. The tape plays. Ann sneaks off, comes back with a sign reading "THE END", unplugs the TV. Everyone looks at her. Eric: "You can DEFINITELY sign my wall." Tod: "But what about destroying the Death Scope?" Ann holds up "THE END" Ann: "Forget the Death Scope. This play is OVER!" THE END