GRAD PLAY 2002 MASTER SCRIPT STRITTFATHER The Strittfather Groppi Roger Angel Patrick Tod Lauer Nick Liebert Brazzi Jeremy Michael Meyer Andrea Foltz Eric Props: red squirrel borosilicate glass pork chops bed w/ sheets horsehead nebula picture LBT site: Dedication of telescope Strittfather sits with red squirrel on lap, with Roger Angel. Strittfather: Do I really have to do this? Roger: Yes. Every director must grant the wishes of all his collaborators on the day of his telescope's dedication. Liebert Brazzi wants to thank you for inviting him to the ceremony. Strittfather: Brazzi? That guy can't even read his own email! Make sure he's brief. Liebert Brazzi walks in: Liebert: Strittfather, on this day of the dedication of your telescope, I want to thank you for inviting me to this ceremony, on the day of your telescope's dedication. And may your first observation be an important observation. I know you are a busy man, and I have to go research mustard storage vessels, so I will leave you know. Liebert leaves Strittfather: Who is next? Roger: Tod Lauer Tod: Don strittmater. We're having trouble with gemini north on Manuna Kea. Apparently there's some little endangered bug up there, and those wackos are trying to shut us down! Can you believe that! Anyway, Don Strittmater, I know you have some experience in this matter. Strittmater: When was the last time you came to my office for coffee? Have you ever come to my observatory for a purpose other than making people talk at nerd lunch? You even went to Corning for your mirrors, forsaking the mirrors in your own backyard. And now you want me to fix your problems for you? Tod: I'm sorry, Don Strittmater. Please help me! I'll never go again to a real business with warranties and fixed price bids again! Be my friend? Tod kisses a large chunk of mirror lab glass on the desk.. Strittmater: I will fix your problem, and someday I will come to you and ask you a favor. This day may never come, but if it does, you are to do what I ask of you. Tod: thank you, thank you Tod leaves. Strittmather: Roger, arrange for a tanker truck full of insecticides to take a "wrong turn." Make sure you get them all. Send Liebert Brazzi. Just don't do it by email! Roger: It's Michael Meyer. He says it has something to do with an MMT proposal Mikey (upset and blubbering): Strittfather, you have to help me. He denied my proposal! Foltz denied the proposal that will get me elected to the National Academy! It's perfect for me. The project will make me famous, but he won't do it. All I want is two months of observing time all to myself! This project will make my SIRTF legacy project look like a crappy 2nd year project. What should I do, strittfather? Strittfather: (smacks mikey around). You can act like a man! He won't give me the time, whine whine! You just relax and I'll take care of it. In a few days, Foltz will give you the time. Mikey: How can you do that? I need my run to start in a week? Strittfather: I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. Mikey leaves, cut to Foltz's office. Roger: Don Strittfather has sent me to see you. He wants you to do him a favor. Mikey Meyer has submitted an observing proposal, and the Don would like you to award him the time. Foltz: And why should I do that? That twerp has a SIRTF legacy project, he doesn't need 2 months on my telescope! To hell with this science crap. I'm just going to make pretty pictures with the f/5. Then I'll sell them and get rich. Someday soon, I'll buy steward observatory, and then I'll be the don! All time will all be engineering time! Roger: You'll be having some problems with the tech division. Don Strittmater could make them go away. Foltz: Are you threatening me? I don't care about your technical division! I'm not a grad student, you can't intimidate me! Tell strittmater that mikey never gets that observing time! That project will make him famous! He'll be elected to the national academy. This is my telescope, and no little punk wearing a matching shirt and socks is going to use my telescope to get famous! Now get out of here! Cut to Don Strittmater's office. A messenger walks in with a paper-wrapped package. Strittmater: Pork chops? From Hawai'i? What does this mean? Roger: It means Liebert Brazzi sleeps with the javelinas. A dusty Liebert walks in the door. Strittmater: Liebert, we thought you were dead. Libert: No. They dumped me in the Rillito River, so I walked home. Strittmater: I see. Roger, has that other... situation been resolved? Roger: It has been taken care of, Don Strittmater. Cut to foltz's room at home, Foltz is sleeping in the bed. Wakes up and rummages through the covers, and pulls out a picture of the horsehead nebula. Screams. ------------------------ INTERLUDE: Jeopardy! Alex Patrick Karen Karen Wilson Wilson Audra Pinto THEY SET UP THE ELABORATE JEOPARDY SET. JEOPARDY THEME MUSIC PLAYS. CONTESTANTS AND ALEX COME OUT. PINTO COMES ONSTAGE AND WHISPERS IN ALEX'S EAR. Alex: Oh, apperently the prelim format's been changed. Sorry. EXEUNT. ------------------------ INTERLUDE: SECRET LIVES OF JOHN BIEGING (STRIP TEASE) Narrator Jeremy Bieging Patrick Lucy Ziurys Andrea Oppenheimer Eric NARRATOR: Good evening, and welcome to another edition of the Discovery Channel's "How the heck are we gonna fill up 12 channels worth of programming this week?" Tonight we will conduct an in-depth examination of one of one of Astronomy's most dynamic fire-brands, Professor John Bieging of Steward Observatory. [Switch to interviews] Lucy Ziurys: Oh yeah, he's a real wild man. Sometimes he observes all the way up into the far infra-red. Ben Oppenheimer: He's my advisor. And he makes me keep his DIRTI models on my computer. It's a debacle. Narrator: Even with this larger-than-life reputation, most of the people at Steward aren't aware of The Secret Lives of John Bieging [Born to be Wild plays as theme music.] Narrator: Now let's take a look at some candid footage we shot of Dr. Bieging away from the office. [Scene: John comes out in natty three-piece suit like GQ model, starts to strip (not too far, please god) to "I'm too sexy for this dust."] -------------------------- Astronomy's Greatest Hits Part 1 Narrator Jeremy EdO Abby Mike Meyer in wimple Jane Rob Kennicutt Wilson Laird Close Nick Roger Angel Beth Tom Fleming Karen Peter Strittmater Audra EdO and the Andrews Sisters - Don't Fence Me In "Give me wide open fields for my brand-new 90 Prime Don't fence me in" Mike Meyer: "The clouds are alive with H-alpha photons" Narrator: Remember all those songs you used to groove to during those long winter nights at the telescope? (Scrolling while Narrator is speaking) NGST (the Mirror Lab People) MACHO Man (the Mirror Lab People) Observa Paradise (MC Ann Zabludoff) Here's Rob Kennicutt, from his new album! New Moon (Rob Kennicutt) "New moon, you saw me standing alone without a laser guide star without a scope of my own. There's a bright golden haze on the mirror (Laird Close) "There's a bright golden haze on the mirror (repeat) strehl ratio's high as an elephant's eye and the guide star is shooting right up to the sky "Fly me to the moon" (Roger Angel) "Fly me to the Moon let me sing among the stars Let me build space telescopes around Jupiter and Mars." Narrator: That's right, Astronomy's greatest hits from every epoch, B1950.0 all the way up to J2000.0 (Scrolling) AO (Hairy Belly Foltzy) Unpublishable (Rob Kennicutt) Brand New MMT (The Bfields) Don't Cry for Me, Argentina (Dennis Zaritsky) Another Brick in the Dome (Charles Liu) Tom Fleming "On top of Mt. Graham All covered in squirrels I lost my advisor" [Tom is interrupted and dragged off stage] All Shook Up (Strehlvis) A well I bless my soul What's wrong with me? Got some superadiabaticity. My radiative gradient is too big. Convection I'm all shook up Mm mm oh, oh, yeah, yeah Too much luminosity turned to heat Now bulk fluid motion just can't be beat My opacity's big, my entropy's high Convection I'm all shook up Mm mm oh, oh, yeah, yeah It took Schwarzchild to define I'm a little mixed up, but I'm feelin' fine Don't ask me about that mixin' length The real answer's in the turbulence Narrator: All these and more, just $19.95 for two CDs or two Exabyte tapes. Send check or money order or large wads of unmarked bills to: Astronomy's Greatest hits, 933 N. Cherry Ave. Tucson, AZ 85721 ------------------------------------ INTERLUDE: WHEEL OF PRELIM ------------------------------------ INTERLUDE: SECRET LIVES OF JOHN BIEGING (DOME NOIR) Narrator: We now bring you more secret lives of John Bieging. Miscellaneous Faculty: He's such a dark, mysterious figure. Since he's a radio astronomer, he can observe during the day. I wonder what he does at night? [John, in private eye garb with saxophone music in background. Pantomiming conversation with woman during voiceover.] Voiceover: Trouble walked in the door. Brunette, as usual. "I have a simple problem," she said. I didn't reply. I knew all about "simple problems." She paced paced back and forth at the front of the room with an expression on her face like she'd just sucked on half the lemons in Florida, pouring out some sob story about some shady deal with CO in the smoke-filled back side of an unnamed molecular cloud. I thought she'd never finish with her little lecture. She must have spent an hour giving me names and numbers. I was treading an ocean of alphabet soup, and I didn't know how much longer I could keep my head above water. [Voiceover ends. John shakes woman by shoulders.] John: Shut up, baby. If I had wanted your extiction curves I would've asked for 'em. ---------------------------- LAIRD POTTER AND THE DEFORMABLE MIRROR CAST (with tentative casting): LAIRD (LAIRD POTTER): Kris MIKE (HERMIKEONE): Andrea DANIEL (DAN EISENWEASLEY): Patrick ROGER (ROGERDORE): Jackie CRAIG F. (CRAIGRID): Mamajek SORTING HAT: Abby LAPTOP GUY: Andy JIM LIEBERT: Ben TAC: Karen, Jeremy, Beth CalTech Man: Nick Buell: Groppi PROPS: Sorting Hat "squirrel" laptop "LAPTOPS" sign deformable mirror -- maybe a hula hoop or something similar covered in foil? basketball COSTUMES: black. Robes or capes or something would be great if we have them. LAIRD should have taped glasses and a spiral-galaxy "scar" on his forehead. BUELL should be covered in foam. TAC should have a large sheet around them. Center head has name tag of "Rogier Windhorst". *** HERMIKEONE IS PRONOUNCED HER-MIKE-O-NEE. *** MIKE: Oh boy! I can't believe we're at the Stewarts School for AO and Infrared! I'm so excited! I used to be so worried I'd end up as a Theorist-Muggle, but it looks like all that studying paid off. *** HERMIKEONE IS PRONOUNCED HER-MIKE-O-NEE *** DANIEL: Calm down, Hermikeone. I've heard there are a lot of strange things going on at Stewarts. There have been red squirrels carrying messages nonstop between here and all the telescopes, and Professor Rogerdore has locked himself in his office and isn't letting anyone in. MIKE: Are you sure he isn't just looking for his key? DANIEL: Yes. He isn't even letting Doris in. MIKE: Wow. It really must be serious. LAIRD: I'm sure we'll find out tonight at the Start-Of-Year Banquet. I can't wait to try Phil's Every Flavor Nitrogen Ice Cream. In fact, the banquet's starting now. Let's go! ROGER: Greetings, everyone, and welcome back to Stewarts! Before we begin, I'd like to say a few words: Actuator! Zernicke! Kolmogorov! THE AUDIENCE cheers. ROGER: Thank you, everyone. This promises to be an exciting year at Stewarts. We're nearly finished with the deformable mirror for the MMT, the Magical Mystery Telescope, which... MIKE : Oh boy! I can't wait to use it! ROGER: ...really, we do mean it this time, it will be ready to use Next Year. Now it's time to sort our new arrivals into their fields. Bring out the Sorting Hat! HAT: If you like to look at spectra You didn't take yourself You'll want to work with SLOAN data great spectra off-the-shelf If you like the moonlight and prefer bright time to dark you'll want the NEAR-INFRARED where you can make your mark And if you like detectors That get launched into space you'll want the MID-INFRARED with George you'll find your place Last, if you play with mirrors And wiggle them around you'll like ADAPTIVE OPTICS sharp images from the ground! ROGER: Dan Eisenweasley! HAT: SLOAN! *** HERMIKEONE IS PRONOUNCED HER-MIKE-O-NEE *** ROGER: Hermikeone Meyer! HAT: NEAR-INFRARED! ROGER: And our final new Stewarts arrival for this year, Laird Potter! HAT: ADAPTIVE OPTICS! ROGER: Congratulations and welcome to all of our newcomers! And now for the highlight of every year's banquet, Phil Pinto's Every Flavor Nitrogen Ice Cream! I just hope it isn't gallium arsenide flavor again like it was last year. I thought it was chocolate. Everyone follow me! JIM: Oh, I can never figure out how to open these squirrel-mail attachments. I give up. If it's anything important, they'll come find me. LAIRD: Who are you? CRAIG: Don't ye remember me? I knew ye when ye were just a wee graduate student. I'm Craigrid. I'm in charge of the Magical Mystery Telescope. Rogerdore has asked me ta take you ta get yer laptop. Let me take ye ta Isotropic Alley. CRAIG (to laptop person): This is Laird. He's workin' with Rogerdore. LAPTOP GUY: Oh, excellent, excellent! I'm so thrilled to meet you. We have a very special laptop for you. The chip is made from silicon extracted from Mirror Lab glass. Only one other laptop like it was ever made; You-Know-Who's. LAIRD: No, I don't. Whose? LAPTOP GUY (looking at CRAIG): You mean he doesn't know? (to LAIRD): I can't tell you. We cannot speak his name. CRAIG: There was an astronomer here once, a powerful observer. But something happened to him. He went...bad. Since then he's been a force for evil, and we do not speak his name here. LAIRD: You mean....he went to Caltech? CRAIG: Yes. Let's get ye yer laptop now and go. MIKE: Boy, this "History of Wiggly Mirrors" stuff is fascinating! I'd heard of the Deformable Mirror but I never realized how powerful it is! Anyone who observes with that mirror could get published in ApJ! I've already written four observing proposals, and have this idea for another one...do you want to collaborate? DAN: I don't know, Hermikeone. All this meetings and committees are a lot of work. I'd rather get settled in. MIKE: Oh, the meetings and committees are fun, too! I've been learning so much! I've even volunteered for the admissions committee for next year! *** HERMIKEONE IS PRONOUNCED HER-MIKE-O-NEE. *** LAIRD: Hermikeone, have you heard anything about a former Steward astronomer who went to CalTech? Craigrid warned me about him the other day, but I don't understand why he's so dangerous. MIKE: I've heard about CalTech. They don't even believe in assigning telescope time based on competitive proposals. They ... MIKE: Oh, good! It's about my telescope proposals! Oh no! LAIRD: What's wrong, Hermikeone? MIKE: It says that He-Whose-Name-Means-To-Retch-Violently is trying to destroy the deformable mirror! Something about the focus being far enough off that it appeared in his office, and burned up all his papers.... DAN: Oh, that's terrible, Hermikeone! What are you going to do? LAIRD: I don't know about Mike, but I'm not going to let this CalTech guy get his hands on our mirror. We have to stop him! Rogerdore told me where they keep the mirror. MIKE: But Laird, how are you going to sneak into the Mirror Lab? They always have that door guarded. LAIRD (picks up sign): I'll use this. < Someone walks on with a sign reading "Deep Inside Stewarts". Then the TAC walks on. The TAC is a three-headed monster; wearing a dark sheet. Center head has the name tag of "Rogier Windhorst".> < LAIRD, MIKE, and DAN walk on. LAIRD removes the invisibility sign.> TAC: Rrrarrrgh! LAIRD: Oh no! What's that? MIKE: It's the TAC! Rogerdore must have put it here to keep anyone from getting to the deformable mirror! DAN: We'll never get past it! Not this trimester, anyway! MIKE: Don't you two read your History of Stewarts? I know just what to do. LAIRD: What are those? MIKE: Telescope proposals! We'll put the TAC to sleep, then we can sneak past it easily. TAC: : "Real-time monitoring of stellar evolution, Part I: M Dwarfs" TAC: : "The Moon: Is It Still There?" *** HERMIKEONE IS PRONOUNCED HER-MIKE-O-NEE. *** DAN: It's working, Hermikeone! Here, I've got one! TAC: "An Eclipse Of Everything: Near-IR Spectroscopy of Clouds" TAC: "UBVRIJHKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Images of Galaxies: No Analysis, Just Blurry Pictures". I like this one! LAIRD: Great idea, Hermikeone! You did it! MIKE: Oh, no! We've got to get past Buell. He's already taken out Romeel. LAIRD: But how are we going to get past him? DAN: I'll take him on. MIKE: *gasp* But you could get hurt! He has dangerous corners! DAN: Don't worry about me. Hermikeone: Oh no! It's He Whose Name Means "To Retch Violently"! We have to close the loop on the AO system before he destroys it or else all our funding is lost! Dan: Close the loop? It can't be done! Laird: Oh, yes it can. Extende! Frigidaire! Hoover! He Whose Name Means "To Retch Violently": No! Now I'm only the world's most overengineered useless interferometer. Dan: No, actually that's the VLT. He Whose Name Means "To Retch Violently": Arse. ------------------------------ INTERLUDE: RUMPLESTILTSCODE FAIRY TALE Dennis: Okay, class. I asked you all to read a book of fairy tales for class today. I'll pick several of you at random to summarize what you've read. Not because I think you'll learn anything from them, but class should be more interactive. Grad Student #1, please tell us about Rumplestiltscode. Once upon a time, there was a foolish, boastful professor of astrophysics. Every day, he would astound the other professors with yet another outlandish claim. "Why, I can solve a discretized collisionless Boltzmann equation by hand," he would say, "I can solve a discretized collisionless Boltzmann equation by hand before breakfast, and go on to solve a discretize collisionless Boltzmann equation in my head while pretending to listen to nerd lunch!" Now, this professor was blessed with a beautiful graduate research assistant. This research assistent was very talented, and the professor was almost as prone to boasting about his assistant's talents as he was of his own. One day, the professor was making just such a boast in Princeton Tuesday lunch. Alas, however, unbeknownst to him, John Bahcall was at Tuesday lunch that very day. "Why, my graduate research assistant can create a fully-consistent 3D model of convection!" boasted the foolish professor, alas, in the presence of John Bahcall. "She can create a fully-consistent 3D model of convection in a single night!" When John Bahcall heard that, he nearly dropped his water glass. "Why, if this is true," he thought, "We can be famous throughout the astrophysical world! But, if it proves to be false, then we will be made a laughingstock, and someone will have to be punished!" John Bahcall stepped from the shadows and approached the professor. "You say your student can create a fully-consistent 3D model of convection in a single night?" "Y . . . yes," said the professor nervously, for he did not wish to risk being cut off. "I swear it is true." "Very well then," said Bahcall. "We shall lock your student in a room with a single computer. If she succeeds, a Hubble is hers. But, if she fails . . . she will be forced to be a grad student in perpituity at ASU!" The professor had no choice. That night, the student was summoned and locked in a room with a single telescope. "Create a fully-consistent 3D model of convection by morning!" said Bahcall, "Or live in Tempe forever!" Once alone in the room, the research assistent fell to weeping. "No one can create a fully-consistent 3D model of convection in a single night!" she cried. "What am I to do?" Suddenly, in the corner of the room, a strange little code appeared. "I believe I can solve your problem!" it said. "Who are you?" asked the surprised student. "I am a magical hydrodynamic adaptive mesh code. I can easily create a fully-consistent 3D model of convection in a single night. And I will do so for you, for a small price." "What price is that?" asked the wary student. "Primary authorship of your first-born paper!" cried the little code. The student gasped. "No, no, anything but that!" "Very well, then . . . you shall surely be a grad student in perpituity at ASU!" The researcher saw the logic of this, and acceded to the strange little code's offer. After all, what else could she do? Try to solve it with IRAF? Please. The little code worked all night as the student slept and downloaded porn. And in the morning, when John Bahcall burst into the room, the strange little code was gone and the student stood there with a completed fully-consistent 3D model of convection. Bahcall, true to his word, immediately granted the GRA a Hubble, along with a million dollars in grant money, the hand of Mel Gibson in marriage, and a pony. For many years thereafter, the former research assistent lived in complete happiness, except for the pony poop, until she had almost complete forgotten about the strange little code. Forgot, that is, until the day that she finally got her referee's report. Without warning, the little code once again appeared. "The time has come!" it cackled, "Your paper is finished, and I have come to collect what is mine by right!" "No!" cried the poor postdoc. "Please! Would you be willing to take Mel Gibson instead?" "Good god, no," said the little code. "However, I will give you one final chance. If you can find an operating system with which I am incompatible by tomorrow night, I will release you from your end of the bargain!" And with that, the strange little code once more disappeared. "I must find out what code this is!" said the postdoc. "I have but one chance!" She immediately logged onto her computer and began tirelessly searching the internet for any mention of the strange little code. She searched blogs, webzines, google, astro-ph, and over 3000 porn sites until finally, on wildandrandyteens.com, she discovered that its name was . . . Rumplestiltscode! "Wow," she said after a pause, "That actually really doesn't help me at all, does it." And at that very moment, Rumplestiltscode appeared. "Well - what is your answer? What Operating System will make me crash?" it demanded. "Solaris," she immediately replied. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Rumplestiltscode, as it vanished into a segfault, never to be heard from again. And so the postdoc, Mel Gibson, the professor, John Bahcall, and the pony lived happily ever after. And the moral of this story is: if you give your word about something, don't be afraid to try to cheat your way out of it on a technicality. The end. ------------------------------- INTERLUDE: WHEEL OF PRELIM ------------------------------- XTreme Science Foundation Props: 2 Referee Costumes Boat Oar Strobe + thunder dewer MIPS (with detector) pen, papers fake glasses chair Cast: John Hill Jeremy Gary Schmidt Patrick Peter Strittmatter Nick Chris Corbally Kris Corbally Collaborator (Bob Garrison?) Groppi Jill Bechtold Jackie George Rieke ("The MIPS Machine") Jane Frank Low Eric Referee #1 Karen Referee #2 Abby Research Corp thug Andrea Sharon Jones Audra JOHN HILL: Saturday! Saturday! Saturday! Hello, and welcome to the XSF! JOHN HILL + GARY TOGETHER: The XTREME Science Foundation! GARY: Unlike the pansy National Science Foundation, here at the XSF your proposal doesn't matter! Your scientific justification doesn't matter! Your budget doesn't matter! All that matters is blood, blood, blood! We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need THE EDGE. JOHN HILL: I'm your host John Hill, and with me is our colour commentator Gary Schmidt. Gary, what's the first battle today? GARY: From the University of Toronto we have Bob Garrison. He'll do battle with his collaborator, the Vatican Observatory's Chris Corbally. CORBALLY AND COLLABORATOR ENTER AND FLEX MUSCLES. CORBALLY IS GRINNING MADLY. JOHN HILL: Over what?? GARY: The spectral type of one of their stars. JOHN HILL: And they're off! THEY GRAPPLE WITH EACH OTHER A BIT GARY: And they're grappling with each other... doesn't look like either of them has an edge. It's pretty even, John. JOHN HILL: Yes, they're well-matched. COLLABORATOR STARTS WINNING Oh, wait! What's happening? GARY: Garrison has Corbally in a headlock! He's struggling... it looks bad... STROBE LIGHT AND CRASH OF THUNDER. COLLABORATOR FALLS OVER. Oh my god! A lightning bolt just came out of nowhere and struck Bob Garrison down where he stood! JOHN HILL: Corbally must have called down help from on high. GARY: That's blatently against the rules, but they're letting it go. Chris Corbally wins this fight. CORBALLY AND COLLABORATOR LEAVE. JOHN HILL: Next up is the feared Jill Bechtold. She wants some funding for an echelle spectrograph. JILL ENTERS (IN KLINGON COSTUME?) GARY: But where is the opponent? Is everyone too scared to face this dreaded foe? She's looking impatient... and she's going after the referees! Oh my god! She's ravaging them! I haven't seen anything this brutal since the Journal Club Massacre! JOHN HILL: What's that she's taking out? Props are illegal in the XSF unless they're colour plots. GARY: It's a boat oar! JILL HITS THE REFS OVER THE HEAD WITH THE OAR. THEY FALL DOWN. JOHN HILL: She's beaten them! It looks like MAESTRO will be in good shape now. And now, our last fight of the evening. This is an XTREME Science Foundation spectacular. The FCC, which raffles off the electromagnetic spectrum, will be giving away everything longward of 10 microns. We're here at the Steward Interaction Area Balcony for the Balcony Cage Match Battle Royale! GARY: The participants are: Frank "They Should Have Named SIRTF After Me" Low, George "The MIPS Machine" Rieke, and Stone Cold Strittmatter. THEY COME OUT. GEORGE IS DRESSED LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. FRANK HAS A DEWER, GEORGE HAS MIPS, PETER IS TALKING TO SHARON AND SIGNING FORMS. JOHN HILL: What's an administrator like Stone Cold Strittmatter doing in the ring? GARY: Word on the street is that he's looking for a present of some sort. JOHN HILL: We're going to see two infra-red titans going head-to-head. Frank has come to the battle today with an Infrared Labs Dewer. GARY: I bet this one was made on time! JOHN HILL: George has "borrowed" back MIPS from SIRTF, and we'll see what can he possibly be thinking of doing with it. GEORGE AND FRANK FIGHT. GARY: And they're going at each other! JOHN HILL: It doesn't look like Peter's getting involved... in fact, he's just talking to Sharon and signing some papers. FRANK GETS GEORGE ON THE GROUND AND GIVES HIM A WEDGIE GARY: Oh no... Rieke's on the ground! And Frank's got a surprise in store for him... he's given him the trademark bolometric wedgie move! JOHN HILL: And George is stunned. He just cannot believe it. Boy, that's going to hurt in Cycle 2. FRANK WAVES AT THE CROWD TO APPLAUD HIM, IGNORING GEORGE GARY: And Frank is gobbling up the adoration of the crowd. JOHN HILL: But George has some fight in him yet! He's getting up... and he's opening up MIPS... what's that he's taking out? GARY: It looks like the arsenic-doped silicon detector! What on earth is he going to do with that? GEORGE STICKS THE DETECTOR IN FRANK'S EAR JOHN HILL: He's doped Frank with arsenic! And Frank is down... 1... 2... 3... and he's out! GARY: That leaves George and Peter, who has just realized he's going to need to fight. They're circling each other. PETER THROWS AWAY HIS PEN JOHN HILL: Peter's signed his last form for the day! PETER THROWS FAKE GLASSES. GEORGE THROWS HAT. Oh, now they're just throwing stuff at each other... and the crowd does not like this one bit. CROWD BOOS GARY: Only LPL people throw stuff at each other. PETER TAKES CHAIR AND KNOCKS GEORGE DOWN WITH IT JOHN HILL: Peter's got ahold of something... he's swinging his weight around with the department chair! And George is on the ground! GEORGE TAKES OFF SHIRT TO REVEAL LOUD PLAID GARY: But George has some surprises yet... and he's gone to plaid! You know, I thought he was dressed too well today. And Peter is absolutely stunned, he can't move! JOHN HILL: He's on the ground, it looks bad for Stone Cold Strittmatter. But wait, who's that? GARY: It's a Research Corporation thug! And Peter has tagged her into the ring! Uh oh, this is going to ugly! RESEARCH CORP THUG KNOCKS OUT GEORGE JOHN HILL: And she's flat-fielded him! George is down... it looks like Frank Low took a lot out of him. Can he get up? GARY: No! Stone Cold Strittmatter wins everything longward of 10 microns! He's here with us now for an interview. PETER IS BREATHING HEAVILY AND REALLY CLOSE TO THE INTERVIEWER JOHN HILL: What a battle! What inspired you to this victory today? PETER: Well, you know it is my anniversary, and I'd have been sleeping on the couch if I didn't bring home at least the radio. The infrared is just a bonus. JOHN HILL: That's all from Steward Observatory. Be sure to watch the next installment of the XSF-- JOHN HILL + GARY TOGETHER: The XTREME Science Foundation JOHN HILL: --when 20/20, CELT and OWL try to cut each other down to size. ------------------------- INTERMISSION ------------------------- OFFICE OF DOMELAND SECURITY Props: Trombone Table 2 Chairs Sign: "Hiring for Director of Domeland Security" 2 Manilla Folders Huge Hat Cast: Dome Dweller #1 Patrick Dome Dweller #2 Jane Adam Burrows Kris Tom Fleming Jeremy Trombonist Karen DD1: I just got attacked by my advisor! I'd been slaving away all day and took a second off to play XBoing, when he showed up out of nowhere and lambasted me for slacking off. DD2: My advisor snuck up behind me and scared me so badly I accidentally deleted a week's worth of data! DD1: There's got to be some way of keeping faculty out of the dome. DD2: Yes. We need to be kept safe from the threat of faculty pouring into the dome and disturbing us! We need to prevent our advisors from stealing our few moments of peace! We need... an office of Domeland Security! DD1: It's a good idea, but how do we do it? We don't have time to man it ourselves. DD2: We'll need to hire someone. Take an ad out in the Wildcat. (THEY GET OUT A TABLE AND TWO CHAIRS AND A SIGN THAT SAYS "HIRING FOR DIRECTOR OF DOMELAND SECURITY") (ADAM ENTERS) DD2: Adam! What are you doing here? ADAM: (POINTS TO SIGN) I would like to submit an application for the employment opportunity you are advertising, people. DD1: Uh... okay, sure. All you need to do is sit here and keep other faculty out of the dome. DD2: If by some chance one of them makes it in, send out an alert state. There are different colour alerts for different emergencies: an H-K alert means Mike Meyer is here, Plaid alert means George Rieke is here, and Cosmic Latte means that Matthias Steinmetz is in North America. ADAM: I can master such chromatic contingencies. DD1: Okay, let's give it a try. (DOME DWELLERS STAND TO THE SIDE. ADAM SITS AT THE TABLE) (TOM ENTERS, WEARING A HUGE HAT - A SOMBRERO? - AND POSSIBLY A PIRATE OUTFIT) DD2: Here's one now! ADAM: Halt! I am empowered to interfere with your progression into the dome. TOM: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached? ADAM: There will be no arrangement. You cannot compete with my intellectual superiority. TOM: You're that smart? ADAM: Let me put it this way: have you heard of Einstein, Feynman, Hawking? TOM: Yes. ADAM: Morons. TOM: Really. In that case I challenge you to a battle of wits. ADAM: I accept. TOM: Good. (SITS DOWN AND PRODUCES TWO MANILLA FOLDERS) Take a look at these, but do not open them! ADAM: (LOOKS AT THE FOLDERS FROM ALL ANGLES. THEY'RE IDENTICAL) There's no difference. TOM: The difference that you do not see is that one contains Riccardo Giaccone's Nobel-prize winning paper, while the other contains an inane sorority girl's NATS 102 paper. It is odious, tasteless, dissolves the brain instantly, and is among the more deadly poisons known to astronomers. ADAM: Inconceivable! TOM: (TAKES THE FOLDERS TURNS AWAY FROM ADAM, CHANGES WHICH HAND EACH IS IN A FEW TIMES, THEN TURNS BACK AND PUTS ONE IN FRONT OF HIMSELF AND ONE IN FRONT OF ADAM) All right. Which paper is which? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both read our papers. ADAM: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the deadly paper in front of himself or his enemy? Now, a clever man would put the paper in front of himself, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the paper in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the paper in front of me. TOM: You've made your decision then? ADAM: Not remotely. Because Giaccone's paper is on X-rays, which are studied mostly in Germany, and Germany is entirely populated with former Steward faculty, who are used to reading lots of telescope proposals, as you want me to read these papers in front of us, so I can clearly not choose the paper in front of you. TOM: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect. ADAM: Wait till I get going! Where was I? TOM: Germany. ADAM: Yes, Germany! And you must have suspected I would have known about the X-rays, so I can clearly not choose the paper in front of me. TOM: You're just stalling now. ADAM: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You want to get`into the dome, which means you're exceptionally brave, so you could've put the paper in your own folder, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the paper in front of you. But you went to grad school here, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the inane paper as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the folder in front of me. TOM: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work. ADAM: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know which paper is which! TOM: Then make your choice. ADAM: I will, and I choose--- (POINTING AWAY) Is that a redshift 9 quasar?! TOM: What? Where? I don't see anything. (WHILE TOM IS LOOKING AWAY, ADAM SWAPS THE FOLDERS) ADAM: Well... I thought I saw something. Must have been a Lanzetta paper. No matter. (SMIRKS) TOM: What's so funny? ADAM: I'll tell you in a minute. First let's read, me from my folder and you from yours. (THEY OPEN THE FOLDERS, BUT DON'T READ YET) TOM: You guessed wrong. ADAM: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched the folders when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never trust anything in A&A, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a theorist when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha! (ADAM GLANCES DOWN AT THE PAPER. A LOOK OF HORROR CROSSES HIS FACE. HE MAKES SOME UNINTELLIGIBLE STRANGLING SOUNDS AND THEN KEELS OVER) DD1: So the inane sorority girl's paper was in your folder the entire time! TOM: They both had NATS 102 papers. I've spent the last few years building up an immunity to inane sorority girls. And now, the reason why I'm here... (TURNS TO DD2, STEPS CLOSE) You must TA. DD2: But I'm on a fellowship! TOM: (STEPS CLOSER) That doesn't matter. DD2: And I'm taking my prelim! TOM: (STEPS EVEN CLOSER) That doesn't matter. DD2: And I can run fast! (DD2 RUNS AWAY. TOM TURNS TO DD1) TOM: You must TA. DD1: But.... TOM: No "but"s. (GIVES THE FOLDERS FROM THE BATTLE OF WITS TO DD1) Here are some papers on stars to get you started. (TOM LEAVES) (TROMBONIST COMES ON AND STARTS PLAYING) DD1 (SINGS): Reading bad papers on the dust disk of Vega Blue stragglers found in Centaurus' Omega Referencing websites and not spellchecking These are a few of my least favourite things Students who don't care and don't come to classes Don't know their stars from their arse from their asses Forgetting their topic and plagiarizing These are a few of my least favourite things When my prof has Gone observing Though the weather's bad I have to lecture About star forming And interstellar clouds ------------------------------ INTERLUDE: CINDERELLA FAIRY TALE PROPS: laptop Grad: Once upon a time there was a grad student with three wicked officemates... [Grad looking distraught, with a bare desk. Rodger Thompson appears.] Rodger: Hello, Cinderella. I am you fairy grant provider. Don't cry. I need only say the magic word, and everything will be all right. Nicmos! [gestures with wand. A computer appears on the desk.] Now remember, you must be finished with your second year project by midnight, because your computer will turn back into a pumpkin. ------------------------------ INTERLUDE: WHEEL OF PRELIM ------------------------------ Back To Steward John Hill Kris Steve Miller Beth Patrick Audra Chris EdO Andy Eric Craig Kulesa Abby Jane Jeremy Mike Meyer Yujin Phil Hinz Karen Maggie Nick Jackie Iva Mirror lab truck time travel effects internal symposium sign overhead seats/table for internal symposium M16 DesertSTAR transparency Mustard bottle with wires [John Hill and Steve Miller (Jim Burge, Buddy Martin?) are in the mirror lab truck, preparing to take LBT 1 up Mt. Graham. As they drive past Steward, John remembers to give a warning to Steve.] John: Oh, I forgot to tell you. We had to make some modifications to the truck to make sure it could get up the mountain with all that glass. There were a few unforseen engineering side effects. Steve: Like what? John: Oh, nothing important. Just don't go over 8.8 miles per hour. [Steve looks down.] Steve: Oh, blast, why didn't you say so earlier? [Special effects suitable for time travel.] Steve: What just happened? John:[looks over at the dash] Uh oh. Steve: What do you mean, "Uh oh?" Where did all those extra buildings come from? John: Well, it looks like we've traveled twenty years into the future. We'd better see if there's anyone who can help. Someone ought to recognize us. Steve: They'll never believe us. No one we know is going to be around Steward twenty years from now. Then. Whenever. John: This is Steward, remember? [They enter the 30 story Steward Arcology. Everyone is dressed in shiny, cliche-futuristic outfits. A sign says Internal Symposium this way. They enter during Patrick's talk.] Patrick: ...And so nuclear fusion is a lot like government. Both of them bring a great many pieces together into a whole that is much less than the sum of its parts, but it can go on an amazingly long time before it blows up on you. Thus we can learn a lot by creating a miniature star in the basement using leftover parts from the old NIF laser and comparing it to our TYCHO models. We're just about finished with version 24.3. Audra: Does that mean I can have an oxygen burning model? Patrick: [long silence] Ask me next week. EdO. Thank you, Patrick. Our next speaker is Chris Groppi, from the Steward Observatory radio lab. Chris: [Puts up transparency with a hexagonal pattern overlayed on M16.] This is a status report on our newly upgraded DesertSTAR receiver, which is a heterodyne array for 1.2 petahertz. This is the first heterodyne receiver for the near-UV, and has a noise temperature of only 0.3 femtokelvin. Here's the dewar, or, as we like to call it, MoFo XII, since it weighs four tonnes. EdO: Thanks, Chris. Now we have a demonstration of our new TCS, which was developed when one of our TO's cleaned out the LBT refrigerator for the first time since the LBT upgrade and discovered a container of mustard which had evolved a highly efficient neural network. Anyone should be able to run it with minimal training. Eric, would you like to come up and try it? Eric: Dammit, I didn't know this was today. I don't have the schedule. I can't open those blasted holographic attachments when they're downloaded into my neural implant. How does this work? [struggles manfully with the mustard container, finally giving up in disgust.] Damn TCS. EdO: Okay. Well, Since we have a few minutes, let me update you on our work looking for spaghetti in the Galactic Halo with the newly commissioned 90'. So far we haven't actually observed the spaghetti, but we've discovered several strands of fettucine, some lasagne, and a half-eaten Boboli pizza crust. Now let's hear Craig Kulesa's talk about his nobel-prize winning work. Craig: Thanks, EdO. Well, even back when I was working as a counselor for Don at astronomy camp, those kids were really ambitious. They all wanted to solve the problem of dark matter. We tried to explain to them that this was a subtle and sophisticated problem, but they wouldn't take no for an answer. And darned if they didn't do it! EdO: Now for a few words from Xiaohui Fan. Xaohui: Good afternoon, everybody. [puts up transparency with 70 coauthors plus the sloan consortium] I'd like to thank my collaborators, but you you wouldn't want me to. We've all been hard at work, and I'm happy to say that the Sloan 2nd data release should be out by the end of the year. EdO:Next we have a SIRTF science update from Jane Rigby. Jane[wearing rather loud '90's style clothing]: Well, we've finally finished analyzing every last bit of data from SIRTF and resolved the infra-red background, and, as we predicted, it accounts for all the star formation in the universe. Oh, and they tell us that they'll have a name for the telescope Any Day Now. EdO: Herr Professor Doktor Director Jeremy Bailin Jeremy: Hi, everyone. I don't have any science, I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone, since I'll be leaving next week to start my Max Planck directorship alongside Grudnick and MacIntosh. Mike Meyer: Dammit! That was supposed to be mine! EdO: And now Phil Hinz will tell you about his latest idea for cutting-edge telescope design. Phil: Good afternoon, everybody. Well, it looks like conventional mirror technology has reached its limits with the 200m Oh, the Hell With It, We've Run Out of Good Acronyms and We Just Can't Make Ourselves Care Anymore Telescope and our own 50/50. The OTHWIWROOGAAWJCMOCAT only allows us to directly image extrasolar planets within our own galaxy. I propose we take advantage of emerging force-field technology to build a 50km f/0.03 telescope. Of course, we wouldn't realize the resolution advantage of this larger apeture until we work out the last few bugs in the AO system, so I suggest we build it on Olympus Mons. This puts it almost entirely above the Martian atmosphere, and gives us the advantage of no bright-time, since Phobos and Deimos are dinky. In fact, speaking of Phobos and Deimos, we can build additional 50km telescopes on each moon and do interferometry with adjustable baselines of thousands of kilometers. Of course, we'll have to mount giant ion engines on the moons so they can be maneuvered to keep the scopes parallel in the image plane, so that we can do Fizzeau interferometry, since everyone but CalTech knows Michealson interferometry is useless. This should allow us to resolve extrasolar planets at moderate redshift. Maggie: Ooo... The Astrobiology group can start cataloguing the flora and fauna of the planets in our own spiral arm. Nick[In a smoking jacket, with martini and lascivious wench]: If I may jump in, thank you, Phil. We're finally finished with the LBT upgrade, and we need to start planning for the future. Now, we need a catchy name for this new scope to attract donors, so we've decided to name it the Ed Olszewski Memorial Telescope. EdO: But I'm not dead yet! Nick: Right. If the TAC enforcer would be kind enough to take care of this little "issue?" Jackie: Right [rolls up sleeves and pounds fist into palm.] Nick: As I was saying, at 25km above the Martian datum, the Ed Olszewski Telescope with be the highest telescope in this or any other world. [Pause] Everyone: [to audience] We don't make those jokes... anymore. ---------------------------- INTERLUDE: PINATA ----------------------------- INTERLUDE: WHEEL OF PRELIM ----------------------------- SISKEL & LIEBERT Cast: Rob "Siskel" Kenincutt Karen Liebert Eric Clip Reader Jane Siskel: Hi, I¹m Siskel. Liebert: And I¹m Liebert. Siskel: And this is Siskel and Liebert¹s At the Journals. Liebert: Today, we¹ll be judging submissions to the Crank Astrophysical Journal. Siskel: Crap-J. Liebert: So what¹s our first article? Siskel: Well, first up, we have a little indie theory that¹s beginning to become something of a cult classic ­ Timecube! Liebert: Or, more properly, "Nature¹s Harmonic Simultaneous 4-Day Time Cube". Siskel: This exciting new discipline of solar system mechanics, discovered by Gene Ray, has revealed that each twenty-four hour period of the earth¹s rotation contains not just one day, as was previously thought, but four. Liebert: Shall we listen to a clip? Siskel: Why not? This one is taken directly from the web site. CLIP: "Any dumb ass should know that a prime meridian does not just pass through the Greenwich point, but it also passes as a GREAT CIRCLE through both poles, crossing the equator at 2 opposite points, dividing Earth into equal halves of light and darkness, with each its own 24 hour rotation - in a single rotation of Earth. Can you explain the harmonic symmetry that demands a second GREAT CIRCLE meridian to create sunup and sundown corner quadrants? There are 4 simultaneous 24 hour days within a single rotation of the Earth. YOU MAY BE TOO DAMN EVIL TO ACCEPT IT." Liebert: Well, what did you think? Siskel: I have to say that I was impressed with Gene Ray¹s assertion that he is, to use his own words, "wiser than any god or scientist", and he backed it up with an offer of ten thousand dollars to the first educational theory or institution that can disprove his theory. Plus, he actually gave a lecture on this at MIT. I have to give it a thumbs up. Liebert: I¹ve got to disagree. I found Time Cube a bit repetitive. And I was also disturbed by the thinly veiled racism and the way he encouraged students to kill any professor who does¹t teach Time Cube. I give it a thumbs down. Siskel: Next up, we have a remake of a classic ­ Liebert: The Flat Earth. Now, the arguments of the modern Flat Earth Society are a little more sophisticated than they were in the turtle-and-elephant days ­ Siskel: I particularly liked the way they used the Michaelson-Morley experiment to prove that the Earth is sitting stationary in the ether. Liebert: - but their basic theory still hinges on that old tried and true key fact: if the earth were round, the people on the bottom would fall off. Siskel: Let¹s roll that clip! CLIP: "[Let¹s] imagine, if only for the sake of argument, that the person on top and the person on bottom can both manage to remain attracted to the ground below them. What would happen if the person on one side decided to visit the other? Since the man at the North Pole has a different idea of what is down and up (and in fact experiences an opposite pull from the Earth's gravity) than the person at the South Pole does, when the denizen of the frozen Arctic visits his Antarctic counterpart, they will experience gravitational pulls exactly opposite of each other! The human from the North Pole will "fall up", never returning to the ground, and will continue falling forever into the deep void of outer space!" Siskel: Well, you can¹t argue with that logic. Thumbs up. Liebert: I agree. Thumbs up. What¹s next? Siskel: Next we have a thought-provoking article in a genre which will be familiar to any regular reader of CRAP-J: the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence. Liebert: And this particular hypothesis ­ called "The Luciferian - Bavarian - Alien Collaboration in Prophecy" has attracted a lot of attention since it so accurately predicted that World War Three would occur in 1998. Siskel: Predictive accuracy is, of course, the hallmark of any sound theory. Let¹s take a brief look at some of the eerily precise predictions made for the spring of 1999. CLIP: "Popular culture has inclucated [sic] a fear and loathing of lizards in such movies as "Jurassic Park" and "Godzilla". These films are messages created by governments or God to warn us of the future. In 1999, a reptilian-like alien race will ally itself with the Moslems and prosecute a war against the fascist secular-atheist world government." Siskel: As promising as the article initially seems, though, I just can¹t get past the "Godzilla" thing. Liebert: Exactly. I mean, he just ignores the prophetic influence of "happy" lizard-related movies like "The Land Before Time" or "Dinotopia". Shoddy research. Thumbs down. Siskel: Agreed. Liebert: And that wraps up tonight¹s show ­ brought to you by French¹s Mustard. Siskel: In the easy-pour bottle. Liebert: Next week ­ Men In Plaid ­ fiction . . . or myth? Siskel: On Siskel and Liebert¹s Liebert: At the Journals! ------------------------- INTERLUDE: IMPRISONED PRINCESS FAIRY TALE Astrophysical Story Theater Presents . . . The Imprisoned Princess! Once upon a time, in a land far, far, away, where the sky is always blue, the computers never crash, and everyone passes their prelims on the very first try, there lived a Princess. She wasn¹t a Princess of any country in particular, but, you know, big floofy gown, flaxen hair, tiara, you couldn¹t tell the difference. Anyway. One day, the Princess was engaged in standard Princess-type activity ­ kissing frogs, attending fancy balls, performing disk/bulge decomposition on M31, you know, that kind of thing ­ when she was suddenly kidnapped by a hideous witch who took her far away and locked her up in a lonely tower on a high mountain peak with no company except for a four-meter telescope. Muhuhahahahaha! "Now, my pretty," said the witch, who couldn¹t actually cast any magic spells, but, you know, green, big hat, anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. "Now, my pretty," said the witch, "You must stay in this tower until you provide me with high resolution spectra of the entire Galactic plane!" Now this would have been all fine and dandy, since the Princess was extremely good at high-resolution spectra, except . . . as the sun set that night, dark clouds gathered, thunder thundered thunderously, and, in general, it rained cats and dogs. And maybe some javelinas, too. This sad and wet state of affairs persisted night after night as the Princess languished, subsisting on day-old night lunches and brackish diet Mountain Dew. "Who can rescue me from this terrible fate?" she cried aloud to the unfeeling stars, or would have, if any of the unfeeling stars had bothered to be visible, but, of course, they weren¹t listening and, as we have already told you, it was raining. Pay attention, won¹t you? Anyhow, at that very moment, she suddenly heard the hoofly hoofbeating of hoofbeats as, much to her surprise, the RBRGSTSM - the Really Big Really Good Space Telescope and Stud Muffin, for those who aren¹t up on their acronyms -rode up to the base of the tower on a shining rocket-propelled steed. "I can solve all of your problems, Princess!" shouted the RBRGSTSM, "For soon I will launch above that pesky atmosphere! I can take those high-resolution spectra for you, because it never rains . . . In Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!" "Um, OK, sure," said the Princess. But, unfortunately, the RBRGSTSM exploded on launch, and the Princess remains imprisoned in the tower to this very day. The End. ----------------------------------- Astronomy's Greatest Hits Part 2 Narrator Jeremy Liza Do Little Patrick Philip Eynsford-Pinto Wilson Craig Kulesa Abby Adam Burrows Jane Tim Pickering Groppi Willy Arnett Kris Julio Navarro Patrick Narrator: You loved Astronomy's Greatest Hits. Now we're offering, for a limited time only, these special collector's editions. First, the original cast recordings of the beloved Broadway musical "My fair Theorist" starring Adam Burrows. Wouldn't it be loverly (Liza Doolittle) All I want is a room somewhere, Linux box and a comfy chair big grants and good software, oh, wouldn't it be loverly Lots of papers for me to read four year track to a Ph.D. a prelim so easy oh, wouldn't it be loverly Oh, so loverly codin' Fortran-bloomin'-ninety-five I would never budge, while any bugs are left alive Some big-wig to advise me Influential as he can be Who takes good care of me Oh, wouldn't it be loverly The Linear Regime (Philip Eynsford-Pinto) I have often worked with this code before but the tau has never dropped below 2/3 before let the models fly I don't care if I can be here in the linear regime Journal referees they don't bother me because there's no other result that I would rather see let the models fly I don't care if I can be here in the linear regime And, oh The towering feeling of modelling gamma ray lines that Nickel that is decaying matches falling lightcurves oh so fine I have often worked with this code before but the tau has never dropped below 2/3 before let the models fly I don't care if I can be here in the linear regime Get Me to the Talk on Time (DOCTOR Craig Kulesa) I'll be defendin' in the morning Then the projector's gonna shine Pull out the stopper Let's have a whopper But get me to the talk on time I got to be there in the morning Spruced up and lookin' in me prime Chris! come and kiss me Show how you'll miss me But get me to the talk on time If I'm observing close up the dome If I'm still writing come and take me home I'll be defendin' in the morning Then the projector's gonna shine Kick up a rumpus But don't lose the compass And get me to the talk Get him to the talk For Pete's sake get me to the talk On time Why Can't Observers be like Us (Professor Adam Burrows) Theorists are honest So thoroughly square Excessively smart Historically fair. You agree with us, we'll give your back a pat. Why can't observers be like that? Why can't observers take after theorists Theorists are pleasant so easy to please We don't even demand you go down on your knees -Would you be slighted if I didn't read your papers? (Pickering)-Of course not. -Would you be livid if I set pi equal to one (Pickering)-Nonsense! -Would you be wounded if I assumed you were a sphere (Pickering)-Never Well, why can't observers be like you Why can't observers take after theorists 'Cause theorists are friendly good-natured and kind especially ones with supernovae in mind -If I were accurate to one significant figure, would you bellow (Pickering)-Of course not. -If I used an anelastic approximation for a high Mach number flow, would you fuss (Pickering)-Nonsense! -Would you complain if I never looked at a single observation (Pickering)-Never! Well, why can't observers be like us They go on about samples and signal to noise Bias and errors and other such ploys This method of theirs just makes no sense They discard logic based on evidence! Why can't observers be like me [Scrolling] Why Can't Astronomers Let a Student in your Life Just You Wait, Adam Burrows Poor professor Burrows The Dusty Lane It Could Have Run All Night You Did It Show Me The Stars Will Still Shine without You Narrator: Plus this special bonus: Download the complete script to "My Fair Theorist" at the Grad Play website http://clavelina.as.arizona.edu/~jbailin/grad-play-2002 And stay tuned for the upcoming DVD version. Narrator: Up next we have a special tribute to Willy Arnett Willy Arnett section Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be Theorists don't let em run models and code C++ let em love star counts and spectra and flux To all the codes I've run before (Willy Arnett with Julio Navarro) converging well or dumping core Can't prove that they were wrong I dedicate this song To all the codes I've run before In the Dome Again Just can't wait to get in the dome again The life I love is runnin' TYCHO with my friends I can't wait to get in the dome again (Scrolling) Devil went down to Tucson She's a Fortran Lady Narrator: Theorists too will love whiling away those long weeks running full 3D simulations with these timeless classics. Narrator: All these and more, just $19.95 for two CDs or two Exabyte tapes. Send check or money order or large wads of unmarked bills to: Astronomy's Greatest hits, 933 N. Cherry Ave. Tucson, AZ 85721 ----------------------------------- INTERLUDE: WHEEL OF PRELIM ----------------------------------- INTERLUDE: BEST QUOTES OF INTERNAL SYMPOSIUM ----------------------------------- BRING OUT YOUR FACULTY Props: wheelbarrow piece of metal clop-clop-clop sound ROMEEL: Kris CARTMASTER: Jackie GRAD STUDENT: Andy STRITTMATTER: Andrea medieval-ish looking character pushes a cart on stage. someone back ground is clanging and thuding on an irritating piece of metal. CARTMASTER:* Bring out your faculty! Bring out your faculty! Bring out your faculty! Bring out your faculty! GRAD STUDENT:* Here's one. ROMEEL:* I'm not faculty yet! CARTMASTER:* 'Ere, He says he's not faculty! GRAD STUDENT:* Yes, he is. ROMEEL:* I'm not. CARTMASTER:* He isn't? GRAD STUDENT:* Well, he will be soon. He's ill -- and injured. Just look at his cast. ROMEEL:* I'm getting better. GRAD STUDENT:* At what, basketball? That's not what I hear. You'll be faculty in less than a year. CARTMASTER:* I can't take him like that. Its against regulations. ROMEEL:* But I don't WANT to be faculty. The teaching, the meetings, the grad students. I like my fellowship -- I'm free, free as a bird. GRAD STUDENT:* Oh don't be such a baby. CARTMASTER:* I can't take him. GRAD STUDENT:* Look, isn't there something you can do? ROMEEL:* I fell happy. I feel happy. (Cartmaster holds up a big check, and waves it in front of Romeel). ROMEEL:* Oooh! Start-up funding! (Cartmaster pulls billy club out of pocket, and hits him on the head anyway). GRAD STUDENT:* Ah, thanks very much. CARTMASTER:* Ah, not at all. See you on Thursday. GRAD STUDENT:* Right, all right. (sound of clopping - clop, clop, clop. Strittmatter rides by) GRAD STUDENT:* Who's that then? CARTMASTER:* I dunno. Must be Director Strittmatter. GRAD STUDENT:* Why? CARTMASTER:* He hasn't got science all over him. ---------------------------- INTERLUDE: THE SECRET LIVES OF JOHN BIEGING (BIKER, SOFT SHOE) Narrator Jeremy Dan MacIntosh Ben Jill Bechtold Jackie Narrator: We now bring you more secret lives of John Bieging. Dan MacIntosh: Man, I never saw guy who could start a bar fight like John. Or finish one like him, either. [John in Biker garb pulls up in front of the Bashful Bandit, gets off, and goes inside. Sounds of crashing and yelling ensue.] Jill Bechtold: Even just lecturing, the man's stage presence is amazing. I'm sure the grad students would agree, if any of the losers ever showed up to class. [John, in tux'n'tails, with tophat and cane, comes out and performs a softshoe routine.] ---------------------------- INTERLUDE: WHEEL OF PRELIM - PIN THE MOUSTACHE ON THE FACULTY MEMBER "There's one thing I know - I'm Dennis Zaritsky, and I'm wonderful." ---------------------------- NARRATOR: And that's all from Mt Squirrel-Be-Gone, where all the coffee is strong, the telescopes are funny-looking, and the seeing is below average. Thank you and good night! THE END.