STEWARD OBSERVATORY GRAD STUDENT PLAY, 2004 WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY THE NOT-READY-FOR-DARKTIME PLAYERS (as always, thanks to the Steward astronomers for the material) OVERTURE (Beethoven, peformed by the Not-Ready-for-Darktime Orchestra and Kazoo Band, String section) ########################################################### SCIENCE COFFEE INTRODUCTION Eisenstein: Well, it's (5 minutes past grad play start). Where is everybody? I see George Rieke comfortably seated in the first class section, while Marsha is in the back. What does he think this is, a flight to Atlanta? Is guess we better get started. Adam: Well, I ehhh, found this eh....pulchritudinous poster outside my office door last night. (Holds up SIRTF launch poster) While I eh...actually haven't read the ehhh...grad play script, from, eh...the looks of the poster they'll be ehh....making the uhhh....obvious ehh...NASA and SIRTF launch jokes. Now that Spitzer has in fact launched, and even has a name, those same old jokes just don't cut it anymore, people. (more people begin to wonder in, gather near coffee pot, ignoring the abstract discussers) Xiaohui: I agree. Worn out jokes and cheesy props just can't compete in the era of survey science and large collaborations. I mean, when Sloan publishes it's consortium play next year its 1600 authors will have produced 1000x the funny as this puny work. These 13 grad students should just give up and join the Collective...err...Consortium. Resistance is futile. Pickering: (to Fishboy) So we went mountain biking this weekend and to Nimbus afterwards. Fishboy: Excellent! Was it a good time? (science people glare, Serena clears her throat, science people look down and talk more quietly...) Eisenstein: Anyone else? OK, well I brought this poster. (Holds up "less unproductive socializing" poster) Frankly, I'm confused by their reasoning here. It's not obvious to me that the grad play is productive at all, or that science isn't fun. C'mon, a little easy quantum electrodynamics for Journal Club, that's fun. Muonium -- it's even fun to say! Two finals for Cosmology -- a good productive time. Now the grad play...well, definitely not productive, and they always seem to go for the obvious jokes. Fishboy: Wait the grad play looks like it's about to start... Xiaohui: The grad play is irrelevant. You will be assimilated. (squirts Fishboy with squirt gun.) Fishboy: Bloody Hell! (runs off stage) Eisenstein: Well, since the grad play seems to be top on our agenda, I have this other poster...(holds up Annowyn poster). Without delving into the script it appears that Ann is cast as another princess. People have suggested they stole another tape from Magaret Geller's office. Star Wars is one thing, but a parody of the Lord of the Rings is an aggressive plan. Serena: (gets up and steals coffee pot from non-sciency folks) (to Groppi) You used to be a grad student at Steward, what do you think will be in the play? (Xiaohui gets up) Groppi: I don't know for sure, but since I am married to a grad student I heard that... Xiaohui: We are the Sloan. The submillimeter is irrelevant. We are building a better future for all of astronomy. Resistance is futile. (squirts Groppi) Groppi: argh! (runs off stage) (random prospective enters) RP: Hi everyone, I'm here visting grad schools. I really like hiking and observing, so Arizona seems like the place for me. The last professor I talked to said this was a good place to meet Steward astronomers. Eisenstein: Excuse me...are you on the agenda? RP: huh? Eisenstein: You know, the agenda...you send in the paper you want to talk about ahead of time, and then no one reads it but speculates wildly anyway. RP: Ummm...I don't think so.... Eisenstein: Well, I guess we can make an exception. But next time send me an email so I can post you on our webpage. What did you say you were interested in? RP: Well, I really like galaxies, and the high redshift Universe. I really like to observe and work with data, and I hear the weather's great here in Tucson... Xiaohui: Weather is irrelevant. Observing time is irrelevant. You too will become one with the Sloan...(drags RP off stage) ############################# HANS & STEINMETZ (Enter Hans und Steinmetz, with strong (fake) German accents) HANS-WALTER RIX: Hello. I am Hans. MATTHIAS STEINMETZ: And I am Franz--- I mean, Steinmetz. HANS + MATTHIAS TOGETHER: And vee are here to pump you up! MATTHIAS: Hans, vatch me lift up my hard drive vith my rock-hard muscles. (MATTHIAS weight-lifts two hard drives) HANS: My friend Matthias here, he vaz vonce an assistant professor veakling like all of you flabby professors. MATTHIAS: Ja! HANS: But zen he vent on zee Steward Observatory German director bulk up plan, and now he is director of an institute. MATTHIAS: I have a budget, ja! Vatch me flex my directorial muscle! I am MACHO, like dark matter, not a WIMP, like a particle physicist. HANS: Vee are here on behalf of German astronomy to find a director for zee new Max-Planck-Institute-for-Theoretical-Radio-X-Ray-Gravomagnetic- Astrophysics-und-Lederhosen! (MATTHIAS holds up a sign that says Maxplanckinstitutfutheoretikalradiorrogengravomagnetik- astrophysiksundlederhosen) HANS: And zo vee are here vis all you squirrellyman at Steward Observatory! MATTHIAS: Ja. Here at Steward zere eez alvays a crop of up-and-coming German faculty whom vee can steal back to Germany! (random grad student walks in) HANS: Hallo! Vee need some help finding some professors. MATTHIAS: Ja, zey keep changing zeir offices on us. HANS: Vee are looking fu ze next up-and-coming German faculty. Vee have procured a list of names. (they consult the list) HANS: Do you know vhere Michael von Meyer is? STUDENT: Uh... yeah, he's in the IR wing. But he's not German. MATTHIAS: No? Vhere is he from? STUDENT: Missouri. St Louis. HANS: Missouri? St Louis? MATTHIAS: Zee place vis zee arch. HANS: McDonald's? He eez Scottish?! No good. (HANS scratches name off of list, and consults it again) HANS: How about... Herr Doktor Eisenstein? STUDENT: He's giving a cosmology final. MATTHIAS: But it eez not exam time. STUDENT: I know. HANS: Perfect for ze job! STUDENT: He's not German either. HANS: Vhat?! Peter kept sending us zee list of new hires, and vee told him zey vere okay because zere vere so many Germans on zee list! MATTHIAS: Vee are going to have to flex some directorial muscle, ja? HANS: Vait, zere are more. How about Doktor Bechtold? (JILL walks by, talking) JILL: ...and I don't care if I have to go to the Governor! The President of this University is a MORON, and if Peter supports him, he's a MORON too! There's no way in hell they're going to turn all the women's bathrooms into grad student offices! (MATTHIAS and HANS look at each other) MATTHIAS: I have some fear in me now. HANS: Ja. I am qvaking in my directorial boots. Perhaps vee are not yet ready for such a director. (HANS scratches name off list) MATTHIAS: Gerhardt Schmidt? STUDENT: (looks confused for a second) Oh, Gary? Not German. Already has a directorship. HANS: (scratches name off list) Xiaohui Fan? (looks at the list in disbelief, then shrugs) MATTHIAS: He vould not look good in lederhosen. (HANS scratches name off list) HANS: Hmmm. Zere is only vun name left. (JULIA GREISSL walks on) MATTHIAS: Frau Greissl? JULIA: Ja? MATTHIAS: You are German? JULIA: Ja. HANS: Gut. You are now Frau Direktor Greissl. JULIA: But... HANS: You vill not resist. Because I am Hans. MATTHIAS: And I am Steinmetz. HANS + MATTHIAS TOGETHER: And vee are going to pump you up! HANS and MATTHIAS drag JULIA offstage END ###################################################################### OPERATION ASTRONOMY FREEDOM #1 Announcer #1: Anchor: Good evening and welcome to KLBT News. I'm Bob Rapaport We now bring you breaking news from the Office of the Director. Steward intelligence agents surfing the web for jobs have uncovered secret documents detailing the strategic plan of the National Optical Astronomy Observatories. Secretary of SIRTF George Reike announced that there is abundant evidence that NOAO is capable of developing and deploying Instruments of Mass Publication. KLBT will keep you updated as more information becomes available. ##################################################################### REALITY TV ***CAST*** Random Graduate Student Announcer Postdoc (JD) Phil Jim Colloquium Speaker Rodger Thompson Anne Nick Wolffe Daniel Jill TAP Faculty (phil maybe) graduate student #2 Random Graduate Student: I hate being rained out. Guess I will try to find something interesting on the TV. (Picks up a remote and starts to flip through the channels). Announcer : Tonight on "Who Wants to Marry a Postdoc: From the original group of 15 young ladies, he has narrowed the field down to the final two. He will make his final decision tonight, but how will the woman he chooses react when he says the magic words?" Postdoc: I had a great time with you, and I think we have made a connection, but I need to tell you. I am not who I said I am . . ." Announcer: Tune in tonight to see the reation when JD reveals that he is not the underpaid postdoc he claimed and is really a millionaire tenth year undergrad? Watch the dramatic conclusion" ***CLICK*** Phil is next to Jim who is trying to cast a fishing pole. Graduate Student: Ooh, Stellar Atmospheres, Stellar Interiors, and Bass Fishing! Jim: How does thing work? I push this button and nothing happens. Phil: Jim, you have to hold the button when you cast. (Reaches down to help then looks out over the ocean). All those waves. You know Jim, ocean waves are created by a gravitational instability. Jim: Do you want a cookie? My student sent them to me. Hmm, do I have a telecon today? (wanders off) Graduate Student: Is this comedy or drama? **CLICK*** Colloqium Speaker: In conclusion, I propose that we can find terrestrial planets around sun-like stars by doing optical interferometry using Dish Network satellite dishes. Any questions? Roger Thompson: I should note that when we were working on the Hubble deep field we found that star formation was constant out to redshift five. My point is that I think you should think about using NICMOS to find your planets, preferably at such high redshifts. Good otherwise. Ann: I liked it. Very good talk. Very exciting. Nick: I don't know what these two people are thinking. You called that astrobiology? More like half-astrobiology. Just dismal. Nick: Hello? I'm busy right now, but what do you want? Jill: Well, there you have it. Join us next week for another "Astronomy Idol!" ***CLICK*** Announcer: Does your advisor speak in riddles? Do you wish YOU had a faculty decoder ring? Well, NOW YOU CAN. Observe -- the Daniel Eisenstein decoder ring -- and LEARN. Grad Student: oooh. Speaker: From this plot we conclude that the Chick Fila sandwich is clearly inferior to the McBirdFlu Deluxe in its ability to reionize the universe. Daniel : I'm confused... subtitle: YOU'RE WRONG Daniel : If I were going to do this comparison, I would estimate the number of Chick Fila sandwiches that would ionize a volume comparable to the sound-crossing distance at early epochs.... subtitle : I AM SMARTER THAN YOU TAP faculty: Daniel, could you arrange refreshments for next week? Daniel: Sure subtitle: HOW MUCH CHICK FILA CAN OUR BUDGET AFFORD? Announcer: And who could forget this memorable moment? Daniel: Today, I will be taking about the measurement of the negative muon magnetic moment. SUBTITLE : WOW, AM I EXCEPTIONAL Daniel : This measurement was already completed on muonium. I really just wanted to say muonium. (Daniel's shy laugh) SUBTITLE : I AMAZE MYSELF. Announcer: You can find hidden meaning even in casual conversation. Daniel: If the Wildcats are going to get anywhere this March, they can't rely solely on Salim Stoudamire on the perimeter, they'll need Hassan and Ivan to drive to the basket and draw fouls. SUBTITLE : I AM SMARTER THAN YOU ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS Announcer: For only $29.95, you can get your own Eisenstein translator. And if you act now, we'll throw in the Dave Arnett analogy-decrypter. Don't you want to know what your professors are really saying? Grad student 2: So I think we could really tackle this problem with the MMT and red channel. Daniel: That's an agressive idea. SUBTITLE : YOU WILL NEVER FINISH YOUR THESIS. Daniel: Let me think about how we could do this. (Bends head down clasps hands over his eyes thinking hardly) subtitle : CONTACTING COLLECTIVE ... subtitle : UPLINK ESTABLISHED subtitle : INFORMATION TRANSFERING ... Daniel : I think that if we were to take all your specta and find a composite you could make some estimate of the Californium to Iron ratio. So you could find the chemical enrichment history of your quasars as a function of time. If you were to study the metric you might find that the predicted flux ratios would decrease as a strong factor of redshift. If you could overcome that by using strongly lensed Californium sources you might be able to do some really interesting science. Let's see, the space density of your targets will be about 1 per cubic megaparsec and at a redshift of 0.645 the comoving volume is about 18 Gpc^3, so you might find a good sample. SUBTITLE: I really need to do laundry. These are my last clean socks. (Jim wonders in confused) Jim: Daniel, do you have a telecon at 2? I know I have a teleconference but I can't remember with who. (Jim walks out just as confused) Daniel: You could work out a prediction for you detection rate fairly simply. It should only take about an hour. SUBTITLE: BLOCK OFF A WEEK. Announcer: Call now, and order your personalizable faculty translator. The Rieke-de-riddler, the Rob-de-snortifier, the Liebert-eyebrow-wiggle-translator, and the Eisenstein translator can all be yours! Call 1-800-206-264.8 NOW!!! **CLICK** (off) grad student: Where's the phone? ##################################################################### OPERATION ASTRONOMY FREEDOM #2 Announcer #2: Peter: Segment 2 Anchor: This is Bob Rapapaport for KLBT news. We now bring you a special address by Director Peter Stritmatter. Peter: Good Afternoon, my fellow astromers. How are we all doing today? So much talent here in the audience. And that concerns me greatly. We cannot have that talent exposed to threats from other institutions. The evidence we have uncovered concerning NOAO's IMP programs is very troubling. NOAO plans to provide access to these instruments to _anyone in astronomy_, just for the proposing. It's exactly this sort of ruthless egalitarianism which threatens to undermine the very foundations of academia. NOAO is part of an axis of evil, consisting also of the rogue states of ESO and Keck. Together they present a grave danger to our preeminence among astronomical institutions. NOAO also has ties to known educational organizations. We have already acted to seize the funds of the notorious Astronomy Camp, which has committed brazen acts of outreach on Steward soil in the Catalina Mountains. I promise you that we will not allow these threats to continue. Steward, along with its Coalition partners SAO and Research Corporation, will stop at nothing to ensure our security unless Jeremy Mould agrees to surrender all astronomical instrumentation to NSF inspectors. ####################################################################### WHAT A PIECE OF WORK IS ADAM PLAYERS: Adam = Hamlet Audition person 1 Audition person 2 TAC Witch 1 TAC Witch 2 TAC Witch 3 Jim Lucy=Queen Peter=King Thesiscrantz Gradnstern Michael Meyer = Ophelia Laird=Lairdities Bit parts: CROWD members Props: 2 umbrellas, preferably golf 1 deer skull cauldron. can be a cooking pot. If we're really cool, liquid nitrogen for the bubble-bubble scene some fleshy-looking things (jelly worms?) squirrel's blood. (coke would be fine) cray supercomputer -- shoebox IFU -- shoebox duct tape very long string of colorful socks ####################### PETER: Um, Adam? I hear you took your grad students to Africa? ADAM: Yes. PETER: And then made them pay the bill, including your ticket? ADAM: Yes. Is there a problem? PETER: Yes. They're suing. ADAM: That's it. Perhaps I should take a sabbatical. I need to reinvigorate. Explore my many talents. Hmm, what to do first? All the world's a stage, after all. Aha! That's it! AUDITION PERSON: (bored) Welcome to the Royal Tucson Theater auditions. Name? ADAM: Adam. Adam Burrows. AP: Begin. ADAM: Ahem. What a... piece of work is man! How noble in reason! How infinite in *faculty!* In apprehension -- how like a god! AP: Thanks. We'll be in touch. ADAM: Copralites! That's what the ApJ says. ADAM: Perhaps this theater will appreciate my talent. What are my Steward collegues doing here? AP2: Three witches? Okay, begin. 1st Witch: When shall we three meet again In thunder, lightning, or in rain.... --D'ya think we should reschedule outside monsoon season? 2nd Witch: When the grant proposal's done When the TAC is lost and won 3rd Witch: That will be ere the set of sun. JIM: Sorry I'm late... is, uh, is this the meeting I'm supposed to be at? 3rd: No, mortal. We are the TAC. JIM: Oh, sorry. . All: Double, double, toil and trouble Stromlo burn and nitrogen bubble 1st: Header of a funny code That the RAM doth overload IFU and toe of Connie Wool of bat and tongue of Don A liquid-cooled T3E Cray Duct-taped to the lenslet array All: Double, double toil and trouble Stromlo burn and nitrogen bubble 2nd: Scaler transforms; tooth of Nick Woolfe; Zaritsky's homework; shaky proof Alt-Az mounts that smoke and spark; Root passwords hacked in the dark- Time of the moon's eclipse; Nose of Tod, and Rodger Thompson's lips All: Double, double toil and trouble Stromlo burn and nitrogen bubble 3rd: Cool it with some squirrel blood Then the charm is firm and good ADAM: What are these, so wither'd and so wild in their attire, That look not like the inhabitants of the observatory, And yet are in it? You should be theorists, And yet your telescope proposals forbid me to interpret That you are so. AUDITION PERSON 2: Cut! Thank you, TAC, that will be all. Who's next? ADAM: I am. AUDITION PESRON 2: (bored) Welcome to auditions for Mayor Bob Walkup's Men. What's your specialty? ADAM: Brown dwarfs and supernovae. AP2: Come again? ADAM: Failed stars and big busts. AP2: Much like our usual performances. Begin. ADAM: Is this data which I see before me, people, The header toward my hand? Come, let me flat-field thee. I have thee not, and yet I see thee still. AP2: Thank you, that'll be all. ADAM: Maybe the stage is not yet ready for me. Perhaps I should return to my research. ADAM: In C or not in C, that is the question Whether 'tis faster in the end to code The eighty columns of outdated FORTRAN or to program it with a sea of pointers and by compiling crash it. To crash, to run -- no more, and by a run to say we end the errors, and the segmentation faults That code is heir to. 'Tis a compilation Devoutly to be wished. To crash, to run -- ################## ADAM: Ahem. What has just transpired? PETER: Cancel servicing mission 4? It is most retrograde to our desire. LUCY: (sees Adam) Ah, Hamlet. Let not thy mother lose her prayers, Hamlet: I pray thee, stay with us; go not to Wittenberg. ADAM: Wittenberg? What Max Plank institute is that? I haven't applied for a job there. PETER: Tis a loving and a fair reply! HAMLET: What have you, my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune, that she sends you to prison hither? GRADN: Prison, my lord! HAMLET: Grad school's a prison. THESISC: Then is astronomy one. HAMLET: A good one, in which there are many wards and dungeons, grad school being one of the worst. THESISC: We think not, my lord. HAMLET: Why, then, 'tis none to you, for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. To me, it is a prison. THESISC: Why then, your ambition makes it one; tis too narrow for your mind. HAMLET: Oh, I could be bounded in a nut shell, and count myself a king of infinite disk space.... But I have bad data. OPHELIA/MIKE: (singing crazily) How should I know a T-Tauri star from another one? By his disk and his x-ray emission. ADAM: Excuse me? I am an expert in low-mass stars. OPHELIA/MIKE: (singing insanely) They bore him *barefaced* toward his tenure/ Hey nonny nony and a legacy proposal/ and rosemary for love, and pansies for thought, and a BIB detector for good photometry. ADAM: Oh good. He's becoming more normal. What next? LAIRD: Hamlet! I am Laird-ities. Though hast killed my grant proposal! ADAM: Give me your pardon, sir! LAIRD: I will no reconcilement! LAIRD: Have at you now! CROWD: BOO! Bad special effects! LUCY: (to Peter) How can we end this blasted skit? ADAM: Of course. It is Shakespeare, after all. Flops down dead. ###################################################################### OPERATION ASTRONOMY FREEDOM #3 Announcer: Anchor: Bob Rapapapaport with the latest news. Operation Astronomy Freedom commenced in the early hours of the morning with a daring darktime raid on Kitt Peak. Steward air forces dropped mercury vapor lamps with self-contained nuclear power supplies into the domes of NOAO telescopes, while special forces from LPL wrapped ccd dewars in wool blankets. Director Stritmatter stated that NOAO's failre to cooperate with inspectors could no longer be ignored. The inspectors, who were snowed in at O'Hare and had not yet set foot in Tucson, were unavailable for comment. NRAO issued a statement strongly condemning the Coalition's actions, and was promptly ignored. ######################################################################## OFFICE SPACE 6 grad students in one office very tightly packed- 2 at table (signs saying 4th year and 5th year), 2 in chairs to side with papers or laptops on their laps (sign saying 2nd year and 3rd year), one on the floor (sign saying 1st year), and Richard (by tape) under the table (Impey comes to the door of the office) Impey: Hello, how's it going? You seem to have forgotten the coversheet on the paper you submitted to ApJ. Did you get the memo from Rob about the ApJ coversheets? 4th Year: Yes, I got the memo, I know it was yours since the right side was left blank. (3rd year gets up to leave the office, tripping over everyone) - Impey: I'll make sure you get another copy of that memo, mmm OK? Thanks a lot. (Impey leaves) (Jim comes to door) Jim: Hi, there's a problem with your ApJ paper. You seem to have forgotten the coversheet. Did you get the memo? 4th year: Yes, I got the memo. I just forgot. Jim: That's great. Because all ApJ submissions now need the new ApJ submission coversheet. I'll go make sure you get another copy of that memo, OK? (Jim leaves) (**phone rings**, 3rd year comes back during conversation - tripping over everyone) 4th year: Hello, Steward dome. Hi Rob. *pause* Yes, *pause*, I got the memo. Sorry, I forgot about the coversheet. But there's really no problem now and I've already emailed it. *pause* Thanks Rob. BYE ROB! ***(slams down phone)*** First year: I can't wait until I'm a 4th year student, then I can have a desk! 2nd year: At least we don't have another person in here since Julia's bulking up in Germany. (Michelle comes in with another grad student with "First Year" sign) Michelle: Due to the large number of post-docs and Romeel, I have to relocate a first year student to this office. Grad students: But! Wait! There's no room Michelle: No but's! Well, I guess you'll have to stand then. (Michelle leaves, forlorn 1st year stands in doorway, trying to type on laptop) 3rd year (to 5th year): So when are you finishing? 5th year: I'm still working on my code! 3rd year: If you finish soon, I'll buy you 5 cases of beer - your choice. (waves beer at 5th year) 5th year: But I haven't started writing yet! 3rd year: Oh, how's 2 cases if you just start working from home? Richard (on tape): Can one of you plug in my surge protector? I KNEW I should have been suspicious when they offered to buy me a flat screen monitor! 2nd year: OK (looks under table) Wait! Richard's not down there! 4th year: Oh, due to the office space issue, he's been telecommuting from the 0.9 meter on Kitt Peak. ####################################################################### SPAM Scene: Coffee. Two first year grad students are talking to Jim in his capacity as grad advisor. A group of young faculty all in burgundy shirts sits around the table. GRAD 1: Morning! JIM: Morning! GRAD 1: Well, what have you got for theses? JIM: Well, there's brown dwarfs and extrasolar planets; brown dwarfs disks and extrasolar planets; brown dwarfs and sloan; brown dwarfs extrasolar planets and sloan; brown dwarfs extrasolar planets disks and sloan; sloan extrasolar planets disks and sloan; sloan brown dwarfs sloan sloan extrasolar planets and sloan; sloan disks sloan sloan extrasolar planets sloan L dwarfs and sloan; SLOANIES: Sloan sloan sloan sloan... JIM: ...sloan sloan sloan brown dwarfs and sloan; sloan sloan sloan sloan sloan sloan Cosmic Origins Spectrograph sloan sloan sloan... SLOANIES: Sloan! Lovely sloan! Lovely sloan! JIM: ...or narrow band x-ray, optical and IR imaging and SPH modelling of interacting galaxies with weakly interacting darkmatter in an M-brane quintessence cosmology with a flaring brown dwarf on top and sloan. GRAD 2: Have you got anything without sloan? JIM: Well, there's sloan brown dwarfs disks and sloan, that's not got much sloan in it. GRAD 2: I don't want ANY sloan! GRAD 1: Why can't she have brown dwarfs extrasolar planets sloan and disks? GRAD 2: THAT'S got sloan in it! GRAD 1: Hasn't got as much sloan in it as sloan brown dwarfs disks and sloan, has it? SLOANIES: Sloan sloan sloan sloan... (Crescendo through next few lines...) GRAD 2: Could you do the brown dwarfs extrasolar planets sloan and disks without the sloan then? JIM: Urgghh! GRAD 2: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like sloan! SLOANIES: Lovely sloan! Wonderful sloan! JIM: Shut up! SLOANIES: Lovely sloan! Wonderful sloan! JIM: Shut up! (Sloanies stop) Bloody Sloanies! You can't have brown dwarfs extrasolar planets sloan and disks without the sloan. GRAD 2: I don't like sloan! GRAD 1: Sshh, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your sloan. I love it. I'm having sloan sloan sloan sloan sloan sloan sloan Cosmic Origins Spectrograph sloan sloan sloan and sloan! SLOANIES: Sloan sloan sloan sloan. Lovely sloan! Wonderful sloan! JIM: Shut up!! COS is off. GRAD 1: Well could I have her sloan instead of COS then? JIM: You mean sloan sloan sloan sloan sloan sloan... (but it is too late and the SLOANIES drown his words) SLOANIES: (Singing elaborately...) Sloan sloan sloan sloan. Lovely sloan! Wonderful sloan! Sloan sloooaaan sloan slooaaan sloan. Lovely sloan! Lovely sloan! Lovely sloan! Lovely sloan! Lovely sloan! Sloan sloan sloan sloan! ##################################################################### INTERMISSION (POSTER SESSION) ##################################################################### Don't Quit Your Night Job! Sunlighting Careers of Steward Faculty Announcer: The Not Ready for Dark Time Players are proud to bring you the little-known, secret lives, the sunlighting careers, of Steward astronomers. Uh...don't quit your night jobs, guys. ANNOUNCER: Jim Liebert: Tech support JIM: "Oh, yes, I had that same problem. I never did solve it. Do you have a grad student you can ask? And if you figure it out, can you tell me?" ANNOUNCER: Jill Bechtold: Yoga instructor JILL: "Breathe in....breathe out.....in....out....feel the calm. Calm, I said! CALM! What a bunch of losers!" ANNOUNCER: George Rieke: Fashion Designer GEORGE: "Plaid is the new black!" ANNOUNCER: Dan Eiseinstein: Stand-Up Comic DAN: "So an electron and a muon walk into a potenial well..." (as he is dragged offstage) "Muonium! Muonium muonium muonium!" ANNOUNCER: Laird Close: Monk under a vow of silence LAIRD: (Sight gag. His mouth is taped shut or he has cloth around it or something, and he's saying "MMPH" a lot and gesticulating wildly.) ######################################################################### OPERATION ASTRONOMY FREEDOM #4 Anchor: This is Bob Rapapapapaport. Director Stritmatter today declared major hostilities over as Coalition troops captured the last of NOAO held territory. Jubilant crowds pulled down the 4m Mayall telescope in the heart of Kitt Peak. (Holds hand to ear) Wait, this just in: despondent crowds have pulled the 4m Mayall telescope down on top of the 90" Bok telescope. Steward forces are reported to be moving on WIYN, which was previously considered neutral territory. ######################################################################## LORD OF THE MIRRORS NARRATOR: Three mirrors for the theorists who never see sky Seven for the instrumentationalists in their labs of stone Nine for observers who work all night One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne In the land of Stewdor, where the shadows lie... ...And that's everyone we've promised an MMT mirror to. NARRATOR:[Sign: Prologue: Concerning Grad Students]. Grad students are a small, harried folk who live in the Dome, far away from the cares of the wider world like faculty meetings and tenure review committees. They do not undertake great surveys, or build space telescopes, nor are they accounted among the very wise. The Big Folk (faculty and postdocs) say that the one true love of grad students is free food. This is unfair, as they are quite skilled in the brewing of ales... DOUG: Actually, that's postdocs NARRATOR: ...and the smoking of pipeweed. JIM: Actually, that's faculty. NARRATOR: But the hearts of grad students truly lie with high signal to noise data and good dark skies. And so life in the Dome goes on as it has for many an age, until one day... -------------------------------------------------------------------- FRODO: Gandave! I'm so glad you're back! GANDAVE: You don't think I'd miss your officemate Bilbo's graduation, do you? Now where's the wine and cheese? (They arrive at the party) BILBO (standing on a stump with the Mirror behind him): Eleven years is far too short a time to spend among such excellent grad students! But now I am leaving. I've put this off for far too long. Goodbye! (slips behind the mirror. cries of, "he's disappeared!" from the audience as the mirror rolls off the stage with bilbo behind it) FRODO: What just happened, Gandave? GANDAVE: Bilbo has gone to become a postdoc, and he's left you his office, and all his useless junk, including his Mirror. FRODO: That bloody great thing? What am I supposed to do with that? GANDAVE: Oh, just stick it in the closet with Hans-Walter's old homeworks and don't tell anyone about it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- (Time Passes) (GANDAVE arrives at FRODO's office) GANDAVE: Frodo! Where is the mirror? You haven't told anyone about it, have you? FRODO: Uh, no. It's in the closet just like you said. GANDAVE: Phew. Bring it here. (FRODO lugs out the mirror and GANDAVE shines a green laser pointer at it.) FRODO: What are you doing? GANDAVE: There, on top of the honeycombs beneath the glass, what do you see? FRODO: Nothing... Wait, no, there's writing. It appears to be some form of LaTeX, but I cannot understand what it says. GANDAVE: (Sigh) It is in the Black Speech of Stewdor, which I will not utter here. Translated, it says, "One mirror to rule them all, one mirror to bind them, one mirror to bring them all and in the darkness bind them." This is the One Mirror, forged by the Dark Lord Sauron to extend hiss dominion over all astronomical research. FRODO: But, but, I thought Sauron was destroyed by the last alliance of theorists and observers. GANDAVE: Oh, no. He was cast down, his components dispersed and his funding cancelled, but it was not destroyed. And now it is gathering its servants once again to bring all the lands under a second darktime. I have seen it in a vision, a great integral field unit, slitless, wreathed in lenslets. And now it seeks its greatest weapon, into which it invested all its power. FRODO: Then we must be rid of it. Take it Gandave, take it! GANDAVE: Oh, no. You must understand, Frodo, I would use this mirror out of a desire to do science. But I haven't spent a day at a telescope in my entire career. Through me it would wield a power too terrible to be imagined. You see, Frodo, a magic mirror is a lot like an adaptive mesh refinement code. It is an object of immense power, which can do a great many things, almost none of which you want it to. FRODO: Uh, you spend _nights_ at telescopes. GANDAVE: See? FRODO: So how did Bilbo get it? GANDAVE: Ah, long ago, after the last battle in which Sauron was defeated, the Director of the West claimed it for his own. He was ambushed and the mirror lost for a long age. Then it was discovered by a most unlikely creature: a student. FRODO: Gollum! GANDAVE: Yes, It whispered to him, promising that the telescope would be finished in time for his thesis. He crawled into a cave under the Catalina mountains, and there it consumed him. For five hundred years he worked on his thesis, waiting in vain for the telescope to be completed. Until the mirror sensed its master's return and abandoned him. FRODO: So what do we do? GANDAVE: We must take the mirror to Elrob in Rivenwash. I'll meet you in Aspen. And remember, you must leave Frodo Baggins in the Dome. From now on, you are Mr. Underdesk. ...Do you hear something? (GANDAVE hauls SAM in by the ear.) GANDAVE: Samwise Gamgee. Do not meddle in the affairs of theorists, for they are subtle and quick to anger. SAM: I didn't hear nothin', Dr. Gandave, honest. Please don't make me...debug TYCHO. GANDAVE: Oh, I have a much better use for you. (Aspen, a sign saying "Aspen") FRODO: This is it. (Goes inside.) Hello, my name is Underdesk. We're supposed to meet Gandave here. CARMEN: Gandave? You think _I_ can keep track of him? I've been trying to get him to sort out the arrangements for his wizards' conference for six weeks. If you see him, you tell _me_. FRODO: "Meetings are like ferromagnetism" my furry pink feet. Oh, well, Sam. We might as well have a beer. (Many beers later) FRODO: (Standing on a table) There once was a theorist from Princeton...oops (falls off table, lands under mirror, starts sneaking off. Slips out from behind mirror and wipes forehead and is grabbed) EDOGORN: You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underdesk. FRODO: Who are you? What do you want with me? EDOGORN: I know what it is you carry. FRODO: (akwardly concealing 8.4m mirror behind him) I carry nothing. EDOGORN: I can go unseen when there is a faculty meeting, but to disappear entirely, that is a rare gift indeed. SAM: Who's this then? EDOGORN: I am Edogorn, postdoc of Aaronson. I was supposed to meet Gandave here to escort you furry little twerps to Rivenwash. SAM: (aside to FRODO) How do we know Gandave sent him? FRODO: I think a servant of the enemy would look fairer and seem fouler. SAM: He seems foul enough to me. EDOGORN: Enough chitchat. You're being persued by the NASAgul, and by the chiefest of Sauron's slaves, Tim de Zeeuw. We leave now. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- (The group arrives at Rivenwash) GANDAVE: You're here already? You cut out more than Peter Jackson. EDOGORN: We've only got half an hour. What happened to you? GANDAVE: Stritmatter the White has turned against us. And what's more, he's bred a foul army of NATSlings to do his bidding. ELROB: It is time then for you to take up your destiny, Edogorn. Give me the shards of 90'. By the skill of Mike Lesser they can be reforged. (Edo hands over four CCDs) EDOGORN: Yeah, yeah, destiny. It's worse than teaching undergrads. So where's Jillwen? ELROB: You just stay away from her. She's going over the sea into the West. JILLWEN: (enters with sword) What!? Hawaii? Do you know how they treat women faculty? (chases Elrob offstage waving sword) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- (The Science Coffee of Elrob) ELROB: The Enemy has arisen and is seeking hiss Mirror. It does not lie within our power to destroy it. It must be cast into the rotating furnace from whence it came. DANIEL: Excuse me. Can we have less political discussion and more science? Let's stick to one of the abstracts on the agenda. ELROB: Excuse me, I started this coffee. Now, as I was saying, Someone must carry the mirror back to the Mirror Lab of Doom in the heart of Stewdor and destroy it. ROGER ANGEL: It is strange that we suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. FRODO: I will take it. But I do not know the way. GANDAVE: I will help you in this. EDOGORN: You have my wide field imager. LIEBERTLAS: And my 2MASS data. PINLI: And my beowulf cluster. TODOMIR: If this is the will of the council, NOAO will see it done. ELROB: Very well. You shall be the Fellowship of the Mirror. SAM: Fellowship? Does that come with travel money? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- (On the road to Stewdor) GANDAVE: We must now make a decision. Do we cross over the mountains, or go beneath them? Pinli, you must know of the low road. Pinli: Mmm, no. GANDAVE: Oh. Pinli: No, that's its name. MNO. The Moria Neutrino Observatory. Sounds like a great idea. (In MNO. Party is hiding) EDOGORN: "Sounds like a great idea," he says. TODOMIR: (peeking around door, disgustedly) They've got a red squirrel. (Red Squirrel leaps out and goes for TODOMIR's throat. EDOGORN grabs it by the tail, trying to pull it off TOD while GANDAVE beats on it with an umbrella. Ominous music and thudding as squirrel battered into submission.) TODOMIR: What new devilry is this? GANDAVE: It is an O'Keefe of NASA. A demon of the inner beltway. Facts are of no more use here. This foe is beyond any of you. Edogorn, Take care of them. ( Monster sock puppet appears. GANDAVE confronts it.) GANDAVE: You shall not pass. I am a servant of the nuclear fire, wielder of the laser of NIF. The dark bureaucracy will not avail you, drone of Washington. You Shall Not Pass! (As battle takes them offstage) Fly, you fools! FRODO: Gandave, nooooooooooooooooooooo! EDOGORN: The freshman will be after us as soon as night falls and they recover from their hangovers. We must make for Caltech. (They walk a little ways. ) EDOGORN: On second thought, let's not go to Caltech. 'Tis a silly place. (Others leave FRODO and TODOMIR alone.) TODOMIR: Hey, Frodo. Why don't you let me have the Mirror. We could defeat Sauron, and I'd never have to beg for FLASH speakers again. FRODO: What you say would seem wise, except that I'm not a complete idiot. -NATSLINGS! RUN! (FRODO hides behind mirror and runs. Swarm of NATSlings sweeps Todomir offstage.) --------------------------------------------------------------------- (In the wilderness. FRODO and SAM looking miserable.) FRODO: What have we got to eat Sam? SAM: Let's see. Colloquium brownies...and colloquium brownies. And, oh look, more colloquium brownies. (rustling) FRODO: We're not alone. (Gollum jumps out and attacks, brief scuffle) FRODO: (about to whack Gollum with laptop) This laptop's name is sting.as.arizona.edu. You've seen it before, haven't you...Gollum? SAM: Just kill him and be done. FRODO: No, Sam. He had the mirror before Bilbo, and he's been to Stewdor before, and he's going to lead us there, aren't you? Gollum: Yes, yes, we'll show them the way. Nice grad students. FRODO: Swear it on the mirror. Gollum: We swears it. We swears it on, the Preciousssssss. FRODO: You were not too different from a grad student once, were you...Craig? Gollum: What did you call me? FRODO: Craig. Kulesa. That was your name once, wasn't it? Before your prelim? Gollum: Craig. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- (The Plains of Infraredhan. EDOGORN, Liebertlas, and Pinli meet Mike Myomer) EDOGORN: Nice Armor. I like how it matches your socks. What news from Infraredhan? Myomer: Do not expect much welcome there. King George is under the spell of Stritmatter. He can no longer recognize science from fundraising. (Myomer exits. The three bicker about what to do next) EDOGORN: Now what do we do? Pinli: We could try blowing something up. Lieberlas: How do you open these new-fangled packets of lembas? (GANDAVE sneaks up and taps EDOGORN on the shoulder) EDOGORN: AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! Stritmatter! Run! (Hides under table. Eventually peeks out.) EDOGORN: Gandave! Pinli: But, but, you fell. GANDAVE: Ah, yes. Theorists are like core collapse supernovae. They bounce. Liebertlas: And they're just about impossible to understand. GANDAVE: Come, we must make for ISOIRAS. We have to convince George to go to the aid of Minas Mayall. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- (ISOIRAS, the Gallium Hall of MIPSuseld) GANDAVE: George, NOAO has need of you. You and the Infraredhirrim must ride to the aid of Minas Mayall. I must go now. Follow me as fast as you can. (Exit) GEORGE: (Annowyn is helping him don his plaid shirt as with a king being armored for battle) Where now is the scope and the rocket? Where are the legacy projects? Where is the infrared excess? Where the extremely red objects? They have passed like cryogen boiling, like funding promised by NASA The days have gone down in the West behind the hills into shadow. How have we come to this? Annowyn, you must stay here and chair the TAC while I am gone. ANNOWYN: (Brandishing a cheese grater) But George, I can fight! GEORGE: No. (Exeunt. Annowyn flips over her nametag, which now reads "NOT Annowyn" and follows) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ (Wilderness. Sam is fiddling with his dewar while Craig looks on) SAM: I wish we had some CCDs. CRAIG: CCD's? What's CCD's, eh, precious? SAM: Charged coupled devices. Thin 'em, coat 'em, serve up mosaiced with a nice mess of narrow band filters. Even you couldn't say no to that. CRAIG: Oh yes we could. He can keep his nasty chipses. We like our data raw and wriggling. SAM: You're 'opeless. DENNIMIR: What do we have here? Orc spies? FRODO: You're not supposed to be in this scene. DENNIMIR: What? DIRECTOR: Yeah, sorry Dennis. Your request for screen time was turned down. But you hook up with Annowyn. DENNIMIR: (hopeful) Oh? DIRECTOR: Offscreen. DENNIMIR: Oh. (walks off dejected) (A NASAgul stalks by. Grads cower in terror.) FRODO: NASAgul! SAM: Hey, wait. I thought they were supposed to have flying steeds by this point in the story. FRODO: Yeah. But they're only allowed to fly to the International Space Station. Plus, I think they're afraid to leave the ground. Well, we'd better be heading on to Stewdor. I'm so tired, Sam. I can't do this anymore. SAM: It's like one of those old papers, mister Frodo. The kind you wish you had to read for Dennis' class. When everything seemed darkest, the authors of those papers didn't give up and leave for industry. No, they kept goin'. They were holdin' on to somethin' And those are the papers that matter. FRODO: And what are we holding onto, Sam? SAM: That there's still some jobs in this world, Mr. Frodo. And that they're worth applying for. --------------------------------------------------------------------- (The heros arrive at Minas Mayall, which is under seige) EDOGORN: There it is, Minas Mayall. And it's under seige. PINLI: Hmmm. Give me three days and some timber, and I could build a trebuchet that would take out that wall in twenty minutes flat. LIEBERTLAS: We're supposed to be defending the city, Pinli. (Sign saying "Enormous Special Effects Sequence") (LIEBERTLAS and Pinli are surrounded by NATSlings) PINLI: (Delivers lecture on arcane physics topic. Ask first years for good quotes) (NATSlings eyes glaze and they fall over.) PINLI: Ha! That makes my count five. LIEBERTLAS: I'm up to 17. PINLI: What! I'll not be outdone by some pointy-headed observer! (Sign saying "Enormous Special Effects Sequence") (Annowyn is being faced down by the lord of the NASAgul) TIM: Foolish mortal. No man can get funding from me. ANNOWYN: (Turning her nametag back around) I am no man! (Whacks Tim with Cheese Grater) JILLWEN: Hey, how come I don't get a scene like that? EDOGORN: Hush. You get to go home with the handsome hero. JILLWEN: (looks EDOGORN up and down) Hrmph. ------------------------------------------------------------------- (Mirror lab of doom) SAM: We made it. I didn't think we'd ever get past UofA Parking and Transportation. Throw it in, Mr. Frodo. FRODO: You know, Sam, now that I'm here, I don't think I want to. (Gollum leaps out wrestles with FRODO, and falls into the rotating furnace with the mirror.) (Sign saying "Enormous Special Effects Sequence") SAM: So that's it then. It's over. That was one hell of a thesis, Mr. Frodo. Now what do we do? FRODO: Now comes the hard part, Sam. Applying for postdocs. Saving the world just isn't sexy anymore; it's been done. Everyone wants cosmologists now. ###################################################################### CABLE TV SCOPES GRAD STUDENT: Darn, it's cloudy again. Maybe it'll clear up before my objects set. Let's see what's on the tube. ANNOUNCER 1: Tonight the Discovery Channel brings you a new documentary on the building of the Discovery Channel Telescope in northern Arizona. GRAD STUDENT: Yeah, I saw that poster at the AAS. No, really, I did. You'd think Lowell could have picked a more interesting channel to partner with. ANNOUNCER 1: The Fox News Telescope -- it only points to the right of the meridian, due to an unbalanced counterweight. ANNOUNCER 2: No, it's fair and balanced! All the _other_ telescopes are unbalanced! ANNOUNCER 1: The CNN Telescope: Every half hour it repeats the observing sequence. GRAD STUDENT: I thought that was Spacewatch! Announcer 2: The Oxygen Network Telescope: it comes with both filters, OII *and* OIII. ANNOUNCER 1: Public Broadcasting brings you the Antiques Domeshow, with a look at ancient computers and outdated instrumentation on a variety of Arizona telescopes. This week they're broadcasting from the 61". GRAD STUDENT: Darn, it's a rerun. I was hoping they'd show the "Trading Scopes" where the Keck crew swaps the VLT's alt and az drives. ANNOUNCER 2: Welcome to the Sci-Fi Channel Telescope, brought to you by Bill Tifft and Halton Arp, featuring the all-night Twilight Flat marathon. GRAD STUDENT: All right! ##################################################################### OPERATION ASTRONOMY FREEDOM #5 Anchor: Hello, this is Bob Rapapapapapapport with KLBT news. With Operation Astronomy Freedom successfully concluded, we now turn to the question of NOAO's alleged Instruments of Mass Publication. We have in our studio chief instruments inspector Hans Rix. Herr Professor Doktor Inspector Rix, what evidence have you found for NOAO's IMP's? HANS WALTER RIX: "Instruments of Mass Publication related program activities." Ha! Ve didn't find a sing. Vell, zere vas an integral field unit sketched on a napkin on Tod Lauer's desk, and Richard Greene had a partial set of Sloan filters buried in his back yard, but zat's it. Gemini South vas just a hollow shell made out of papier mache! ...Vich kind of explains the proposal software. Ze German Institutes vere against zis from ze beginning. I haven't felt like such a fool since I dressed up like a red squirrel for the grad play fourteen years ago! I quit. (Throws up hands and stalks off in disgust) ###################################################################### SCIENCE BELLY DANCE COMMITTEE: And now for the new prelim format: Belly Dance! Intro: ~40 sec. (Cue Music ) F.M.:And now the first question of our short answer section: Describe briefly the principle concept behind AO. Narrator: (Beth begins shimmy) Piston - 1 mode of correction (Lei starts) 2 modes of correction - tip/tilt (Karen starts) 3 modes of correction - Focus Next question: F.M.: Could you demonstrate the winding problem? And demonstrate its solution? (holding hands toward center, one arm doing snake arms - getting tighter) Narrator: They're making a galaxy and winding up arms... getting tighter (they stop) Now here's the solution. (both snake arms walking in a circle) Very nice density waves. F.M.: Also about galaxies, could you demonstrate the rotation curve of spiral galaxies? Narrator: Here's the rising curve for the inner part. (Beth takes position) ... (Karen and Lei take position) And there's the flat portion of the outer galaxy. F.M.: Final Short Answer question: What processes drive mixing in stars? Turbulence (sign) Convection (signs - 2) F.M.: And now for the long answer section: What method do you use to determine the Hubble Constant? Narrator: Standard Candles (standard candle dance) F.M.:Demonstrate the evolution of a low mass red giant star off the AGB and into the Planetary Nebula phase? (Veil dance) ##################################################################### Lucky Charms Laird and the Lucky Charms CAST: Peter Strittmatter, Roger Angel, Laird Close, Don McCarthy, Chris Walker (Peter Strittmatter and Roger Angel enter) PETER: So, what is it you wanted to show me, Roger? ROGER: It's about some of the CAAO observers on the fourth floor...I'm afraid that the AO psychosis effect has taken root. PETER: AO psychosis? ROGER: Yes, an unfortunate condition where frequent use of Adaptive Optics systems running in the kHZ range inspire an inferiority complex in the slower-reacting astronomer, who turns to a variety of chemical stimulants in an attempt to compensate. PETER: You don't mean...drugs? ROGER: Worse: sugar-ladden cereal. The fix of choice seems to be Lucky Charms. Honestly, I laid all this out in my 3rd grade science report where I described the role adaptive optics would play on large telescopes and the astronomers who use them. PETER: Uh, right. Well, if it's just cereal, how bad can it be? ROGER: Well, come take a look at Laird. We've talked to his wife, he's going through seven boxes a day. During the last ARIES run, he insisted we stop all AO software so he could manually control the positions of all 336 actuators PETER: But that's crazy. ROGER: We thought so too, but after the second bowl he'd closed the loop and was getting Strehls of 40% at 1 micron. We were about to let him replace the Shack-Hartman sensor, too, when we ran out of milk. PETER: Well, at least he finally stopped. ROGER: That was a week ago. Now he just eats them straight out of the box. He says the milk slows him down. (Laird enters, eating from a box of Lucky Charms. Laird shouldn't stop to breath between any of his sentences) LAIRD: Hey guys, how's it going. Peter, how's the wife? Did you see my last three budget proposals? I'm sorry the fourth one's not ready yet, but I had some students come by asking about the role a weak magnetic field would play for life on Mars. So I started talking to him about the paramagnetic properties of the early Martian core and how we could derive the frequency of pole flips from a basic understanding of magneto-hydrodynamics. So then I started in about the workings of our SDI cameras, and how their ability to detect planets is strongly dependent on the seeing in a given night. PETER: (To Roger) I'm not noticing anything different. LAIRD: Roger, I'm glad you're here. I need your help redesigning the interface for the MMT AO system. It turns out I have to open the loop for 37 milliseconds every three seconds when I'm blinking, meaning I can only correct the first twelve Zernicky modes. I can get up to twenty by bracing my eyelids open with toothpicks, but then I hit a limit from having to take my hands off the controls to get more Lucky Charms in my mouth. Plus, I need to eat the Lucky Charms twice as fast. You know, the Lucky Charms at the VLT are way better than what you get here. Have I mentioned how nice the Lucky Charm dispensing is at the VLT? ROGER: Laird, do you mind giving us a second? LAIRD: A second? Why, in that time I have to correct the deformable mirror four hundred times. I don't have this pile of seconds that I can just- PETER: Uh...hey, isn't that Phil Hinz taking your boxes of cereal? LAIRD: Ar, everyone's always after me lucky charms. (Exits) PETER: So what do we do, Roger? ROGER: Well, I think the first step would be to transfer him to our lunar telescope control station, once its built. PETER: You mean the the one for your spinning liquid mirror on the lunar south pole? ROGER: No no, that was just the prototype. The final product will be an interferometer composed of spinning liquid mirrors on the moon, Titan, Mercury, Ceres, Pluto, Quaoar, Europa, Earth, Triton, Rupert, and Molly. PETER: Wait, what were those last two? ROGER: Rupert and Molly? We're going to construct those out of the debris from Mars, once we've destroyed it with the next-next-next generation lasers for AO guide stars. Speaking of which, you need to at least quadruple our laser guide star program if we're going to make our 2012 deadline for taking out Mars. PETER: Destroy Mars? Why would you possibly need to destroy Mars? ROGER: Well, there really wasn't any choice, it was in the way of the collimated beams from the other interferometer elements. By the way, I'd appreciate it if you'd support my proposal, here. Phil Pinto has put out a competing proposal to use nukes to do it, and it'd be very helpful if we could set the course of action now. PETER: I still don't see how any of that will help us treat Laird and the others. ROGER: Oh, I don't want to treat them, I need them to run the AO system for the interferometer elements on planets with atmospheres. My original plan was to just disperse the atmospheres with more lasers, but it turns out that stripping off the earth's atmosphere would further endanger the Mt. Graham red squirrel, so we have to resort to this. PETER: Isn't this all a bit much to find nearby terrestrial planets? ROGER: I've already moved beyond that. This interferometer will be used mainly to find extrasolar Kuiper Belt Objects, for which I need the rapid refresh rate I can only get from a sugared-up astronomer. (Don McCarthy enters with box of Lucky Charms) PETER: Oh Don...not you, too? DON: Don't worry, I'm not eating them, I just wanted to show Roger the new astronomy edition. PETER: Astronomy Edition? Of Lucky Charms? DON: Sure, we entered into an agreement with General Mills to make a special edition of the cereal, once they discovered that astronomers now make up 80% of their profits. ROGER: Plus, it's a great way to hook more astronomers for when the interferometer is finished. DON: Here, take a look. There are blue wavefronts, silver deformable mirrors, red pockel cells, gray rolls of duct tape... PETER: What are those black marshmallows? DON: Narrowband H filters. They've got everything! Plus, each box has a piece of an AO system you can assemble yourself! (Laird enters again, pulling a lenslet out of his box) LAIRD: Damn, another 12-by-12 lenslet for a Shack-Hartmann wavefront sensor! I've already got three of these. And I still need another 137 actuators if I'm going to make first light. (Laird exits) PETER: Roger, I don't think I like the way you're encouraging this. I mean, how many of our people are addicted to Lucky Charms so far? ROGER: Well, only 18 so far, including 6 grad students. But the effects are still pretty dramatic. Take a look at Chris Walker. (Chris Walker enters, crosses the stage at a leisurely pace, and exits. The next few lines just go on while he's crossing) PETER: That's incredible! ROGER: That reminds me, Peter, you need to admit more grad students next year if we're going to get the interferometer working at maximum efficiency. PETER: Wait, did you say more grad students? I had been wondering what we were going to do with the captured NOAO offices, and at only 50, my empire is looking rather small...to the mail room! We need to order more Lucky Charms! (Roger, Peter, and Don exit, Don leaves behind box of Lucky Charms. Laird enters, sees box, checks around for people, then empties the box over his open mouth, letting most spill on the floor. He then pulls out the dichroic (or, picks it up off the ground, as the case may be)) LAIRD: Hey, a dichroic! I needed one of these! Not as good as the dichroics in the Lucky Charms from the VLT, though... (Stuffs more Lucky Charms into his mouth and exits) ##################################################################### DIRECTOR RECALL ANNOUNCER: "I'm Rob Rappapapapapaport with KLBT news, where it's all astronomy, all the time...except during August, when we bring you non-stop monsoon coverage. We take you LIVE to Steward Observatory, where the campaign to recall director Peter Strittmatter is gaining momentum. Director Stritmatter is speaking to the department in an attempt to keep his job." PETER: My fellow astronomers, my tenure as director has been tremendously successful; we've started thinking about the LBT Upgrade, the Giant Magellan Telescope, the Roger Angel Lunar Telescope.... ANGRY PERSON #1 (interrupting): What about the power outages? PETER: Power outages? ANGRY PERSON #2: Yeah! Two of them in one week this month! PETER: But those were five minutes long, at six in the morning, and you were warned in advance! Was any scientific data lost? ANGRY PERSON #1: I didn't get astro-ph on those days! PETER : So, no, then. ANGRY CROWD: Boo! Recall! Recall! ANGRY PERSON #1: Hah! I can't wait to vote for the recall! JIM: Who will you vote for? ANGRY PERSON #1: Oh, I don't know. I'm leaning toward the Directinator. JIM: But she's completely unqualified! AP1: So? JIM: She doesn't have a PhD! She hasn't even passed her prelim! AP1: So? Ever since she came back from Germany, she's got that accent. And she has a great smile. JIM: Well, I'm voting for Diane Foss. She used to be my student, you know. She's definitely qualified. KLBT Announcer: Welcome to the final debate between the candidates for Steward Director. Several of our candidates were unable to make it tonight, including "Cosmic Latte" Davis, Naked T Tauri Star, Gary Coleman, Jeremy Mould, Eric from Eric's Fine Foods and Ice Cream, Tom Volgy, Diane Foss, Ben Oppenheimer, Saddam Hussein, the *other* Ben Oppenheimer, a red squirrel, and Chekov from the original Star Trek. We'll be asking questions of those candidates who did show up. KLBT ANNOUNCER: The first question of the debate for our candidates is: What changes would you make as director of Steward? Nick Siegler, you're first. NICK SIEGLER: We need a hot tub in the director's office. I'm thinking of converting the director's conference room. EISENSTEIN: There aren't enough exams in the grad classes. I'll require each class have three midterms, an oral final, and a written final. Plus weekly pop quizzes. DIRECTINATOR: There will be no more studying of the puny little dwarfy stars. We will study quasars and AGNs and things of that nature. JIM (in audience): See? I told you she wasn't qualified! You should vote for Diane Foss. Did I tell you she used to be my student? HOWARD DEAN: We're going to build telescopes on Mt. Graham. And we'll build telescopes in Chile. And we'll build telescopes in Hawaii. And in space. At L1. And L2. And L5. And on the moon. And then we'll come back to Arizona and REDUCE THE DATA! YEARRGH! KLBT Announcer: The second question was submitted by the graduate students of Steward Observatory, who ask: What are your qualifications for the directorship? EISENSTEIN: I'm confused. I thought it was obvious that I'm the most qualified. I've got the directorial La-Z-Boy. JILL: I've spent a lot of time in the director's office after storming in. If I'm elected I won't have as far to storm. HOWARD DEAN: Well, I had a very strong showing among Tucson astronomers in the Arizona exit polls. This should be an election I can win. ANNOUNCER: And Directinator, what are your qualifications for the position? DIRECTINATOR: I hav ze accent. KLBT ANNOUNCER: And our final question: How would you raise money to combat the budget shortfall? JILL: I'd invade NOAO. Those losers have never pulled their own weight around here. NICK: I'll auction off the old MMT mirrors. I've calculated we only need to sell them 10,000 times to completely fund the department for the duration of my term. We're already almost halfway there. DIRECTINATOR: I will terminate your budget shortfall. KLBT ANNOUNCER: That's all the time we have tonight. Turn in tomorrow, when KLBT News will bring you the results of the election. KLBT ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Morning Edition on KLBT News. The Directinator has just won the Steward Observatory Recall Election. We take you now to her acceptance speech. DIRECTINATOR: Thank you to the graduate students and the postdocs and Romeel and the people of that nature for electing me. All I have to say is: Ah'll be Bok! ############################################################################## JIM'S MEETING Where's Jim? We were supposed to start 20 minutes ago. I guess he forgot again....