Muppets cast: Statler (EdO) Groppi Waldorf (Buell) Matt Kermit Craig Gonzo Phil Newscaster Andrea Reporter Karen The Count Jeremy Gary Patrick Jim Eric Policemen Phil and Ive Props: trombone news table and news sheet Mars lander Mt Graham sign paintball gun tear gas can astroscan police badges Sounds: Muppet theme broken glass Grateful Dead music Start off with a 21 Spud Salute? (The cast breaks into a newly composed version of the theme song) *bomp, bomp, bomp, ba-da-da, bomp, bomp, bomp, ba-da-da-DA* HIGH-VOICED MUPPETS: It's time to count the squirrels, The spinning ov'n we'll light, It's time to hunt the faculty On the Muppet Show tonight! LOW-VOICED MUPPETS: It's time to look for MACHOS, Schmidt plates are cool tonight, It's time to boot up IRAF On the muppet show tonight... (cut to the box seat) STATLER & WALDORF: (EdO and Buell J) BUELL: Why do folks love these brown dwarfs? EDO: I guess we'll never know... BUELL: I wish the dang N.S.F. BOTH: Would kick them off the show! ALL MUPPETS: It's time to polish mirrors, It's time to reach first light, It's time to get things started... AUDIENCE: WHY DON'T YOU GET THINGS STARTED? KERMIT: It's time to get things started on the ALL: telescopical spectroscopical theoretical astronomical THIS IS WHAT WE CALL THE MUPPET SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ["Gonzo" blows the trumpet (trombone)... badly...] (Kermit walks out on stage) KERMIT: Hi-ho, hi-ho, hi there, and WELcome to the Muppet Show, coming to you LIVE from the Stooward Observa-tO-ree, where we have not one, but many special guests tonight! (applause) So to get things started... -------------------- NEWSCASTER: AND NOW A MUPPET NEWS FLASH!! NASA has announced today that the fifteenth "cheaper, faster, better" Mars lander, called "Polar Kamakaze" is no longer communicating just above the Martian atmosphere and is presumed lost. Mockheed-Lartin, contractors for the Mars missions, claim that their use of FTF units (furlong, ton, fortnight) are not responsible for the ailing Mars missions. Once again, NASA has announced that they do not know where the Mars lander... [CRASH of broken glass] [MARS LANDER rolls over to Newscaster's desk] [NEWSCASTER looks down, looks at the newssheets, looks down again, puzzled] NEWSCASTER: On a related note -- Bill Tifft of Steward Observatory has continued to update us on the new floor construction and claims that at the projected rate of building expansion, the Steward Observatory building will in fact reach to Mars by the year 2100, ironically years before NASA is projected to actually land a manned spacecraft successfully on the red planet. Officials at the University of Arizona also claim that even if the Steward expansion goes slower than planned, the first-year-student-center should reach Mars from the OTHER DIRECTION only a few years later... NEWSCASTER: And now we take you LIVE to Mt. Graham, where astrobiologists are assessing the resident squirrel population... [cuts to Mt. Graham reporter] REPORTER: Well, as you can see here, the summit of Mt. Graham is abuzz with excitement... [turns to scene of someone cutting down trees with a chainsaw and...] THE COUNT: 9... 9 red squirrels -- AH HA HA HA! 8... 8 red squirrels -- AH HA HA HA! 7... 7 red squirrels -- AH HA HA HA.... REPORTER: Well, back to you! NEWSCASTER: In other news, the Kansas State Board of Education announced today that the value of H_0 will be set to 168 million km/s/Mpc to bring the age of the universe down to 6000 years. And now we turn to our feature story: the man behind the terror. We'll give you a look at the roots of the most feared academic terrorist of our time as we examine the UnaLiebert's dark past. EdO: They just don't make tear gas like they used to. Even The Man can't get His act together anymore. I don't know why I even bother being down on the Establishment. Gary: Don't talk about giving up. Remember, peace and love take work, man. You gotta be in the dean's office dawn 'til dusk, protesting, writing those leaflets. You'll never get anywhere as a hippie without total commitment. Liebert: I'm telling you, it's just a telescope! And anyway, older people today are too prudish about experience enhancing substances! EdO: Far out. He'll come to a bad end, I can tell. ---------------------------------------------------- Mirror Man Song (A-O) with apologies to Harry Belafonte Main singer: Jane Everyone else is backup in loud shirts Banana Boat Song (Day-O) A-O, Aaaay-O Daylight come and we want go home Hey Roger Angel man, make me a big mirror Daylight come, and we want go . . . Work all night and the sky's not getting clearer (Daylight come and we want go home) Sharpening those images with big floppy mirrors (Daylight come and we want go home) Come Doctor Angel Man, what's the PSF now (Daylight come and we want go home) Come Doctor Angel Man, gimme Strehl ratio (Daylight come and we want go home) point five, point six, point eight, one! (Daylight come and we want go home) Keck and Gemini can kiss my bum! (Daylight come and we want go home) ay, is an ay-o (Daylight come and we want go home) Day, is a day, is a day, is a day, is a day, is a day-o (Daylight come and we want go home) It's 6 meter, 7 meter, 8 meter, 10 (Daylight come and we want go home) Oh no, look, it's cloudy again (Daylight come and we want go home) O, B, A, F, G, K, M, L, T (Daylight come and we want go home) Can we use the LBT? (Daylight come and we want go home) Daylight come and we want to go home -------------------------------------------------- Faculty Meeting / PBS fundraiser / Elements song Cast: Strittmatter Jeremy John Hill Phil PBS announcer Jane EdO Groppi Marcia Joannah Mike Andrea Rob Karen Brainwasher Patrick CS student Eric Craig Foltz Craig K Sharon Jackie Swedish Advisor Matt props needed: LBT frisbee LBT duct tape LBT brassiere LBT totebag LBT coffee mug phone thought bubbles Sounds: Elements music STRITTMATTER: Sharon, can you send email to the faculty that the faculty meeting started half an hour ago? SHARON (offstage): Sure. And remember, your anniversary is tomorrow. STRITTMATTER: Oh, thank you. MARCIA: Sorry, I was on a conference call with NASA. ROB: I had an emergency with ApJ. We accidentally sent a paper to a hockey referee. MIKE: I was trapped in LPL. In a bear trap. I had to gnaw my foot off to get here. STRITTMATTER: Hear hear! I call this faculty meeting to order! Is everyone here? STRITTMATTER: After the difficulty in raising LBT funds by inscribing donor names into the cores, we've resorted to more imaginative funding methods. This core idea is just too abstract -- we must make astronomy and the LBT matter to people's everyday lives! John? JOHN HILL: Well... you remember that PBS series about astronomers? We got back in touch with the PBS producers, and they had some ideas... PBS announcer: "We know you appreciate the science and information that we here at KLBT provide. And we know you want to show your support! With your contribution of $100 or more, you have your choice of thank-you gifts." [pull out gag LBT gifts] LBT frisbie (two frisbies welded together) LBT duct tape (ditto for two rolls) LBT brassiere (aluminum foil?) With a donation of $10,000, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you support ground-breaking astrophysical research, *and* you'll get this nifty totebag!" And for our extra-special members, for a donation of four million dollars you'll receive 10% of telescope time -- AND this double coffee mug! [back to faculty meeting] ED O: Yes, but can all this matter much? After all, the common people don't have any money! MARCIA: We must follow the example of the political parties and the Russian space programme: rich individuals and large corporations! That's who matters! STRITTMATTER: "Our thoughts exactly! We need *big* donors! People with loads of money who want their names on huge phallic objects! Unfortunately, unlike Caltech, we haven't got any such donors, but we have a plan. Faculty Member #6, explain." ROB K: I'm not a number! I'm the editor of ApJ! STRITTMATTER: Yes, yes, that's what I meant. Continue, please. ROB K: "We plan to provide for the long-term future of Steward Observatory by seeking out promising computer science majors from our Nats 102 classes for... conditioning." [scene break to brainwashing session] BRAINWASHER: "Repeat after me: 'I will make millions of dollars in the computer industry." [Student repeats.] BRAINWASHER: "I will give all my money to Steward Observatory." [student repeats.] BRAINWASHER: "All I've ever wanted is a really huge telescope named for me." [student repeats.] BRAINWASHER: "*Really* huge." [gestures, etc., depending on how far we want to take this.] BRAINWASHER: On the top of a mountain... [Student is mouthing the words along with the brainwasher.] BRAINWASHER: ...so everyone can see how big it is." STRITTMATTER: So that's the status of the LBT. Now Craig, would you like to tell us about the current status of the new MegaloManiacal Telescope? FOLTZ: Ahem... you may have heard that we've been having some adventures aluminizing the mirror. I'm convinced it's all sabotage by those idiots at the Canoa Ranch Development. In any case, I thought I'd give you an update on everything that's been put on the mirror so far: Well... There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium, And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium, And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, [stops, turns to audience] "Yes, uranium. Now the MMT generates its OWN power! Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium, And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium, And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium, And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium. "We have the callibration lamps as well!" There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium, And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium, And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium, And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium. There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium, And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium, And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium, Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium. And lead, praseodymium, and platinum, plutonium, Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium, And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium. There's sulfur, californium, and fermium, berkelium, And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium, And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc, and rhodium, And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin, and sodium. These are the only ones of which the news has come to Steward, And there may be many others, but they haven't been disc-oo-verd. SWEDISH ADVISOR: Bork bork bork! ------------------------------------------------------------ ################################## # HOOKED ON BURROWS # # V2.0 10/26/00 # ################################## FRIENDLY MALE SPEAKER: Patrick FRIENDLY FEMALE SPEAKER: Rigby BURROWS: Mamajek BIGWIG: ? STUDENT: Ive GROPPI: Groppi Sounds: ding! broken glass FRIENDLY MALE SPEAKER: Welcome to Hooked-On Burrows, Tape 1, Side A. This tape series will allow you to use the english language -- the WHOLE english language. FRIENDLY FEMALE SPEAKER: [walking along casually in front of audience] You may listen along, following the book, or if you lead a somewhat busier lifestyle, you may listen to just the tape while jogging, running code, attending colloquia, or around the house. FRIENDLY MALE SPEAKER: [walking in the other direction casually] The teaching format is simple. Each lesson will begin by listening to a conversation in Burrows - or "Borrownics", followed by a translation by a friendly English-speaking narrator with a limited vocabulary. FRIENDLY FEMALE SPEAKER: So lets begin the first lesson and start you on your path to verbal freedom! (DING!) FRIENDLY MALE SPEAKER: Introductory level, Dialogue 1A, the Theory dinner. Burrows sitting at desk, speaking to student in chair. BURROWS: What inebrient should we imbibe this eventide? GROPPI: Well, there's 8 of us, I think we should get 4 carrafes of Dom Perrignon 1958. BURROWS: Now Chris, you of course realize the Theoretical Astrophysics Budget allows for only a triad of recepticles of any champagnes earlier than 1970. GROPPI: My sincerest apologies, Adam. I didn't realize the Theory group had a subsidized dinner cap. BURROWS: The Theoretical Astrophysics Program subsidized dinner budget does indeed have a cap of $1000 per meal. BIGWIG: Can we just get some beer instead? (DING!) FRIENDLY FEMALE SPEAKER: That sounds like a w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l dinner conversation. Now lets review some of the words they used. Please repeat the words as they are stated. FRIENDLY MALE SPEAKER: Inebrient. AUDIENCE: [in unison] Inebrient. FRIENDLY MALE SPEAKER: Imbibe. AUDIENCE: [in unison] Imbibe. FRIENDLY FEMALE SPEAKER: Wonderful. Now you're on your way to be part of the astronomical illuminati! (DING!) FRIENDLY MALE SPEAKER: In between conversation sections, we will include short vocabulary-enhancing sections with additional words. FRIENDLY FEMALE SPEAKER: Please repeat each of the words slowly, so that you may perfect your pronunciation. BURROWS: Pulchritude. AUDIENCE: Pul-kri-tyood. BURROWS: [pauses] Oscullate. AUDIENCE: Oss-kyu-late. BURROWS: [pauses] Defenestration. AUDIENCE: Dee-fen-ess-tray-shun. FRIENDLY MALE SPEAKER: Very good. Now, let's try these words in a simple conversation. BURROWS: (to female speaker) Darling, you are very pulchritudinous. Might I have the privilege of oscullating with you? FRIENDLY FEMALE SPEAKER: What!?!? [slaps Burrows, grabs him by the earlobe and starts hauling him offstage.] BURROWS: [as he's being hauled offstage] My dear, there's no need for such extreme measures! I think defenestration is illegal in this state! (BROKEN GLASS) AAAAAAGH! OW! (DING!) FRIENDLY MALE SPEAKER: Excellent! If you enjoy Hooked on Burrows, you might enjoy our tapes for other languages. For example, in Hooked On The Max Planck Institute, you will discovered that the German word for death is "Tod". FRIENDLY FEMALE SPEAKER: [returning with Burrows, dusting themselves off] Now lets move on to something a bit more challenging... (DING!) FRIENDLY MALE SPEAKER: Dialogue 9B, the office hours. STUDENT: [knocking on fake door, and entering] Dr. Burrows? BURROWS: [turns around in seat] certainly, my plintavalent borkbork, extract yourself a turnipgoggle. STUDENT: I was wondering if you can explain to me what a shock is? BURROWS: I shall vlintagulate. A shock, or what we in the discipline retecilate to as a gerismiter, is a region, or eskimo manifold, if you will, where low-density, high-velocity matter ritipacklates matter skidoodling at pudarilicious rates. STUDENT: Can you say that again in something I can understand? BURROWS: [holds up right hand and nods at it] ehhhh... [holds up left hand and nots at it] ehhhh... [smashes them together] BOOM! STUDENT: Oh, now I get it! Thanks Dr. Burrows! [student leaves] BURROWS: [under his breath] Damascus... (DING!) FRIENDLY FEMALE SPEAKER: Wasn't that heartwarming? Let's review some words used here. FRIENDLY MALE SPEAKER: Vlintagulate. AUDIENCE: [in unison] Vlintagulate. FRIENDLY MALE SPEAKER: Pudarilicious. AUDIENCE: [in unison] Pudarilicious. FRIENDLY MALE SPEAKER: Boom. AUDIENCE: [in unison] Boom. FRIENDLY FEMALE SPEAKER: Wow! Way to go! Try to work these words into your everyday speech with your friends. Any maybe if they're impressed, you'll be able to get THEM hooked on Burrows too! Goodbye! ---------------------------------------------------------------- UNPUBLISHABLE Cast: Student Jackie Rob Ive Sounds: Unforgettable Student: Now that Rob is editor of the ApJ, I will ask him about my paper... (knocks on door) Hi Rob, about my paper... (Robs looks through some papers, as music from "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole, begins...) Rob: Unpublishable, I'm afraid you are, Unpublishable, referees don't lie. Rotten science, ugly plots, Not to mention that horrible prose. I think that your paper, will never see light... Unpublishable, in the ApJ, and from what I see, most elsewhere Try to see the brighter side You want pay the per page charge And anyway Papers go mostly unread -------------------------------------------------- JAMES BOND CAST: Ben Oppenheimer Eric Peter Strittmatter Jeremy Menial Labour (head minion) Jane Cron Job (minion) Groppi Vic The T.O. (minion) Joannah Mike Meyer (Dr. Yes) Andrea Adam Burrows (the Other Evil Genius) Patrick Props: cell phone foam Shu Mt Graham sign evil genius chair stuffed penguin piece of paper in Ben's pocket sword frisbee laser guide star system prime focus table model of Keck OED rope Evil Geniuses In A Nutshell Sounds: James Bond theme James Bond theme intro plays [BEN is on a chair. A ringing sound is heard. He takes out a cell phone and answers it. It wasn't the phone. He throws it away in disgust. He takes off a shoe, and tries answering it. Again, not the shoe. He throws it away in disgust. He takes out a copy of Shu, and answers it by opening it up. (yes, I know this is a reused joke, but it went over well the first time, and after doing the Maxwell Smart thing, it's the next logical step). PETER is on other end] PETER: Good afternoon, Agent Five-Double-Oh-Seven. This is Pomega. Now that you've managed to convince everyone that you've left Steward on a secret mission to disrupt the World Series, I have an assignment for you. One of the faculty members is calling himself "Dr. Yes" and has taken over the top of Mt. Graham for his evil plans. It's your job to stop him. Good luck. This message will self-destruct in five seconds. [BEN closes Shu, looks at it, realizes it's about to explode, and throws it into the audience. A loud booming sound is heard. He then puts on his sunglasses and walks off.] BEN comes back on stage where there is now a sign saying "Mt Graham" with an arrow. He walks in the direction of the arrow and is soon attacked by a bunch of MINONS. They grab him and drag him offstage. [The MINIONS should have signs like everyone else, but theirs should have "postdoc" crossed out and "minion" written on, so that both words are readable.] INSIDE THE DOME [This is where we need all the props: a laser pointer and a mirror and a picture of Keck (all covered with a piece of cloth), a table labeled "Prime Focus" (can we make something that looks like a cage?), a box labeled "Laser guide star system", preferably with a laser pointer duct-taped to it, a chair, and the Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell book.] BEN is dragged into the control room by MINIONS. MIKE MEYER is sitting in a chair, stroking a stuffed penguin. MIKE MEYER: Good afternoon, Mr. Oppenheimer. BEN: Uh, hi Mike. Have you, uh, have you seen someone named (consults a piece of paper in his pocket) Dr. Yes? I, uh, heard he was here. MIKE: (proudly) Why yes, Mr. Oppenheimer. I am Dr. Yes. I've been expecting you. BEN: So, uh, you're evil? But why? Why are you doing this? MIKE MEYER: They laughed at me, Mr. Oppenheimer. Their TAC turned down my Ultra-Long-Term proposal to directly observe the evolution of T Tauri stars by observing them once a month for the next ten million years. They gave the time to Dennis instead, for his project to measure the change in redshift over a mere thousand years. And then they laughed at me! The fools! But I'll show them all. The telescope is mine, all mine, and soon the entire world will know my genius. Muhahahaha! (pause, then in a normal (for Mike), cheerful voice) Do you know anyone who wants to get some observing experience? BEN: You'll never get away with this! MIKE MEYER: Do you really think you can stop me? The only road to the mountain is guarded by my loyal postdocs, and my specially trained killer attack squirrels roam the mountaintop. As for you, Mr. Oppenheimer, my postdocs are opening the dome as we speak, and then you will be strapped to the prime focus of the telescope. We will point the telescope towards the sun, and in precisely half an hour it will pass through the field, after which you will no longer be a concern. Let me introduce my evil minions to you. Menial Labour! [MENIAL LABOUR doesn't say anything, but stands and looks menacing with a sword] Cron Job! [CRON JOB carries a frisbee and is constantly looks at his watch] And most evil of all, Vic The T.O.! VIC: Mike, I'm closing the dome now. I don't care if it's two hours until dawn! [MIKE MEYER motions to CRON JOB, who takes out a frisbee and throws it at VIC, who crumples to the ground] MIKE: Now gentlemen, please strap our guest to the prime focus! [The MINIONS, er, POSTDOCS, drag BEN to a table labeled "PRIME FOCUS".) MIKE MEYER follows.] BEN: You'll never get away with this, Dr. Yes! Your postdocs can't stop everyone! MIKE MEYER: Perhaps not. But this can. (He points dramatically at something next to the table, labeled "LASER GUIDE STAR SYSTEM".) My friends at NASA have been secretly launching tiny mirrors into orbit for the past year. Once the array is complete, I can use this laser, borrowed from the AO labs where its absence was blamed on Roger Angel misplacing it again, to destroy anything in this hemisphere, starting with those fools who dared to deny my proposal! (He unveils a model, with a laser pointer and a small hand mirror.) You see... BEN: Okay, I get the idea. MIKE MEYER: Are you certain you don't need me to explain the plan in great detail? I point the laser at the orbiting mirrors, like this, where the light is reflected back towards the earth, like this. I can orient the laser and the mirrors to vaporize anything. Let me demonstrate with this model of Keck.... [Suddenly Adam Burrows, wielding the OED, bursts in, overpowering the postdocs with Big Words.] MIKE MEYER: Codefinger! My old enemy! I thought you were dead! ADAM: I may be a theorist, but it takes more than a little liquid nitrogen to stop me, Dr. Yes! I've been in the evil genius business much longer than you have. I've come for my graduate student! (Points at Ben) I need him to complete my study of brown dwarf atmospheres! [ADAM starts untying BEN. Aside while he's doing this] You wouldn't believe how many grad students I go through on this project... BEN: Is this the project you gave to Maggie and Eric? ADAM: Why yes, yes it is. Tragically, they did not manage to complete it. I hope to examine the effects of a brown dwarf atmosphere on the human body. This will require a pressure of 50 atmospheres and an ambient temperature of 500 K. To facilitate this, I have turned on my oven broiler and left the door open. Once the...test subject...is in place the air pressure will increase to the desired level, enough to crush a small submarine. (To Ben) I expect you will find this somewhat...unpleasant, but please be assured that your contributions will not go unnoticed. You will be remembered in a footnote in my paper. Perhaps even as the last author. BEN: Do you expect me to finish this project, Codefinger? ADAM: No, Mr. Oppenheimer, I expect you to die! Muhahaha! MIKE: No one kills my grad student without my permission! [MIKE charges at ADAM. As the two evil geniuses battle (using the guide-star laser and the OED) BEN escapes in the confusion. Eventually Codefinger is defeated, but as he dies, he brings the OED down on the laser and destroys it crying some long word for destruction. He is carted offstage by the minions.] MIKE: NO! My laser! My beautiful plans are ruined! Back to the drawing board... [Mike pulls out the "Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell" book and begins flipping through it, taking careful notes and stroking his chin thoughtfully.] THE END -------------------------------------------------------- MALL PREACHERS Jim Leibert (Eric Mamajek, of course) George Rieke (Groppi) John Cocke (Craig) Roger Angel (Phil) Matthias Steinmetz (Jeremy) Newscaster Andrea John Bieging Patrick Props: LBT mug NEWSCASTER: Most of you have seen the religious mall preachers in front of the student union. What you _haven't_ seen are the secret double lives of many Steward faculty members, shouting their beliefs as astronomical mall preachers. The Not Ready For Darktime Players have managed to capture these speeches for you, with the Mall Preacher Faculty.... LEIBERT: This generation....is too prudish....when it comes to SIN. You are all....going to hell. (Grins cleverly) GEORGE: No one can see the light! The true light is invisible, infrared light. It must be felt, not seen. Feel the warmth of the true light! BIEGING: Sometimes you can't see the light, but you can use a radio receiver to get the light. That light that comes from AGB stars. Sometimes you can't see the light because dust gets in the way. But it's the dust that's the interesting party anyway. ROGER: I have seen the light! It was right over there by the laser just a minute ago. Has anyone seen the light? I know it's around here somewhere.... We must build a 100 meter telescope to look for the light! Then everyone will see the light! Have you seen the light? Anyone? Doris? MATTHIAS: The light does not matter. Only the darkness is important, ja? You must give in to the power of the dark matter. It is everywhere, and it determines the fate of the universe. JOHN: Have YOU seen the light? Because if you haven't, the photons are going to come and whack you in the retina. If you don't realize this, you have problems. And I don't care what coordinate system you're in, you can see the light! --- Do we see the gates of hell yawning before us? We can faintly hear the cries of lost souls who didn't see the light. --- Do we BELIEVE this brothers and sisters? Do we have FAITH? This is all true to 10 to the minus God knows what! ------------------------------- INTERMISSION ------------------------------- ___________________________________________________________ 6 Million Dollar Grad Student ----------------------------------------------------------- Faculty and Staff: ---------------------- Gary - Patrick Dennis - Ive Phil - Groppi Don - Craig Impey - Phil Jim - Eric Michelle - Joannah The Mob: ------------------------ Lead student - Jeremy Student 1 - Karen Student 2 - Jackie Student 3 - Andrea Student 4 - Matt Any additional people in Mob Props: - blueprints - Ben overheads - plots - paperwork - charis, table - swords, gardening equipment, trebuchet, etc - Dennis overheads - rope - tear gas - gas masks Impey: "So, let's start the meeting." Don: "We're here to discuss how we can improve the quality of Graduate education at Steward Observatory so we can continue to be a viable and appealing research institution to prospective students for years to come." Impey: "For example, one indicator that we can use to measure our success is the number of Hubble Fellowships received by Steward graduates. The last Ph.D. student to receive a Hubble graduated in 1996, so maybe we need to take a closer look at what we're doing." Gary: "Well, I don't think the problem there is us. These students just aren't working hard enough. We need to chain them to their desks and only let them go to coffee when they produce an ApJ paper." Dennis: "Actually, I think the problem is that the students don't realize what things they need to do *besides* simply putting their noses to the grindstone. It's not enough to get good grades and to immediately do everything your research advisor tells you. You need be able to present yourself and your research to the world. Hard work by itself is not enough." Gary: (confused, blinking) "It's not?" Dennis: "Er..." Phil: "Personally, I don't like your choice of indicators. The Hubble Fellowhips are for observers. We have enough data already. We need more Theory Fellowships so we run laborious simulations for the next few decades just to catch up!" Jim: "Hmmph." Impey: "Yes, Theory Fellowships would be wonderful, but what we mean is-" Phil: (interrupting) "The problem is we need to have higher standards for the the students we accept to the program. We shouldn't accept anyone who has a Physics GRE lower than 1000!" Don: "Um, Phil..." Jim: "We're already letting in the best students we can. Maybe we ought to make the program harder. That'll separate the ones who are really serious from the ones who aren't. When I was a student at Berkeley they really tried hard to weed us out." Phil: "I understood that there was quite a LOT of weeding at Berkeley, but I don't think that'll help our graduate students much!" Jim: "See, that's the problem. The younger generation now has a much too ...um, prudish view of experience-enhancing substances. They're unable to make rational, informed decisions and - " Don: (interupting) "I think the problem is that our grad students just aren't the athletes they used to be. Todd Henry got a Hubble Fellowship, and he could run up and down Kitt Peak with only a stop at the top for a drink of water! I propose we start the students on an exercise plan. We install bunkers in the dome, wake them up at 5AM, have them running up Sabino Canyon at 6AM. Then they'll actually get to work before noon. And in the evening we can have them bicycling, swimming and pole-vaulting before we give them a salad and pasta for dinner!" The faculty look alarmed. Impey: "I have an idea! Give me some more grad students, then they can work on web design for my site!" Jim: "You have a whole mess of students already!" Don: "Plus undergrads." Jim: "We need to weed them out!" Phil: "We need higher GRE scores!" Faculty start bickering. Gary motions for silence. Gary: "I have the perfect plan." Gary pulls out blueprints, unrolls them. Gary: "Start with the basic, occasionally productive graduate student. He can't work a 24 hour day because he needs to go home and sleep. He needs to take lunch breaks." He puts up a transparency of Ben Oppenheimer, looking Ben Oppenheimer-ish Gary: "He needs a stipend, so he can afford food, clothing, shelter, CD's and potted plants. He will consume hundreds of dollars on caffeine products every semester. He may want to take off time so he can feed his cat, or visit his parents, or even... have a significant other." Everyone looks puzzled. Gary: "Well, maybe not that. Now, take the case of former Steward graduate student Ben D. Oppenheimer. Flying from Tucson to New York to California to London to Boston recently, he was involved in a plane crash. He survived the crash, but is still in a coma, being kept alive by machines and an I.V. of Slim Fast." He puts up a transparency with a picture of a robotic student, spliced together from pictures of all of the graduate students at Steward. Gary: "We can rebuild him. We have the technology! We have the capability to make the world's first bionic graduate student. Ben Oppenheimer will be that student. Better than he was before! Faster! Cheaper!" Phil: "Well I don't know about cheaper... that operation looks like it will cost about 6 million dollars." Gary: "The NSF and NASA will fund it, especially when we can replace all of our graduate students with one bionic student, and then use their body parts to build more!" Jim: "I don't think the University ethics committee will go for this, Gary. Besides,the students will riot." Gary: "Well, I'm not expecting the Spanish Inquisition." Students come ripping through the wall. Grad leader: "NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!" ____________________________________________________ THE SPANISH INQUISITION ---------------------------------------------------- Grad Leader: "Don't let the infidels escape!!" A mob of students invades the faculty meeting. The faculty members try to run for it, but the students manage to grab Impey, Dennis and Jim before they can escape. They tie the faculty to their chairs, except for Impey, who they tie to the table. Dennis: "The Spanish Inquisition? Are you working with the Vatican Observatory?" Student 1: "Oh, no! The Vatican pretty much stopped sponsoring this sort of thing after they admitted Galileo was right. We're an 'Agrarian Revolt.'" Grad Leader: "Our two weapons include surprise... terror... and a fanatical devotion to Linux!" Jim: "That's three weapons." Grad Leader: "I'm a theorist." Jim: "Hmmph." Grad Leader: "You have all been accused of crimes against matriculated students. I will read the charges against each of you. Chris Impey, you are accused by this Inquisition of jogging through the sacred Halls of Steward Observatory wearing nothing except athletic shoes and extremely tiny running shorts." The students in the Mob shudder. Student 3: "Oh, the horror!" Grad Leader: "You are also accused by your students of a complete lack of punctuation, capitalization or in fact any grammar whatsoever in any of your e-mail. You are accused of a continuously refusing to use the right side of the screen in any form of electronic communication. How do you plead?" Impey: "Well, I don't think that's the way I would put it. You see..." Student Mob: "Booooooo!" Student 2: "He wrote me an e-mail in free verse once!" Grad Leader: "You are condemned to be crushed to death by your own statistical tests!" Student Mob: "BOOOOOOO!" Grad Leader: "BRING THE PLOTS!" A bunch of Impey's ex-grads (and T.A.'s?) sandwich Impey between a plywood board and the table, and start dropping pre-prints, tables, and plots onto him. Impey: "AAAAA!" Student 3: "Hah! You want some more plots?!" Impey: "No! No more plots!!" Student 4: "Here's another hundred plots! And another hundred! AND ANOTHER!!" Impey: "AAAAAA!" Student 3: "How about some statistical tests?" Student 4: "A seventy-page table!?" Student 3: "The entire HST archive of QSO spectra!?!?!" Impey: "AAAAAAAA!!!!" The Grad Leader walks over to Dennis Zaritsky, unties him, and a group of graduate students drags him up onto a platform. The mob starts booing and throwing pieces of paper (crumpled up galaxy spectra/images) at him. Michelle Cournoyer is sitting at a desk on the platform, filing manilla envelopes. Grad Leader: "Hi Michelle! Are you busy?" Michelle: "Sort of. What's up?" Student 1: "Not much, just the Inquisition. Actually, we'd like to burn some faculty members at the stake." Michelle: "Alright, but you'll have to file the correct paperwork." Student 1: "We have it right here. We just need your signature." Michelle: "Oh. Well, who do you want to burn?" Grad Leader: "Uh, Dennis. For starters." Michelle: (looks surprised) "Why do you want to burn Dennis!?" Student 2: "Because he's a witch!!" Grad Leader: "And what do we do with witches???" Student Mob: "BURN THEM!!" Michelle: "He doesn't look like a witch to me..." Student 1: "That's just it. See, we have his picture right here. (puts pictures of Dennis from Rogue's Gallery onto projector, points to his current picture.) And we also have his picture from grad school. (points to the picture of Dennis from 10 years ago.) As you can see, he hasn't aged a bit. He must have sold his soul to... the NSF." Michelle: (looks closely at the two pictures) "Well, okay, I can see what you're talking about. (signs paper) The white copy goes to the Director's office, the yellow copy to the Dean's office, and you keep the pink copy yourself. But your advisor has to sign it first." Student 1: "Oh... right." Student 1 walks up to Dennis, who signs the paper with his free hand. Student 1: "Hey, Dennis, can I use your account number for making preprints after you've been burned at the stake?" Dennis: "Sure." Student Mob: "HOO-RAY! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn the witch!" The mob hauls Dennis away, ties him to a stake, and starts hauling Jim up onto the stage. Grad Leader: "By the way, Michelle, we need about three dozen transperencies for the rest of the Inquisition." Michelle: "What happened to box I gave you last week?" Student 1: "Well, uh... we printed out computer plots on those, so we can't just clean them off." Michelle: "Why did you need all those transparency pens then? ...never mind. Here are the keys to the cabinet. Who do you guys want to burn next?" Student 1: "Jim Liebert." Michelle: "Well, what's his crime?" Grad Leader: "He's a witch!!" Student Mob: "Burn him!! Burn him!! Burn him!!" Michelle: (looks annoyed) "Could you guys quiet down? I'm going to assign you all the same tiny office in just a second." Mob quiets, mumbling. Michelle: "What makes you think he's a witch?" Student 4: "He turned me into a TA!" Everybody looks at the student (Matt), confused. Student 4: "....I got better." Everybody looks more confused, looks at their leader. Grad Leader: "Well, uh... BURN HIM ANYWAYS!" Students: "Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn the witch!" Just then a student screams. The room fills with smoke. Grad Leader: "Look out!" Student 3: "It's tear gas!" Student 2: "My eyes!" Jim: "Ahhh... The sweet smell reminds me of my days at Berkeley." A bunch of faculty run in with gas masks. The students start running away, their leader hides under Michelle's desk, but Don manages to catch him and drag him out into the open. Michelle looks unfazed, and continues to shuffle and file paperwork at her desk. Phil and Don take off their masks. Phil: "It's a good thing I had that homemade tear gas still sitting around." Don: "Yeah. And I never thought I'd need to use the gas masks we made in my NATS102 break-out sessions." Phil unties Dennis; Phil and Dennis rescue Chris Impey and help to his feet. He is shaking and unable to walk on his own. Phil: "Hey, Dennis, I think you got a gray hair out of this experience." Dennis: "Really?" Impey: (shaking) "Statistical tests! Lyman alpha absorbers! No!... no more!" Jim looks horrified. Jim: "You...monsters! Look what you did!" Jim pushes the captured grad ringleader, who falls down, hits his head loudly on a table, groans and loses consciousness. Jim: "Oh, um... oops." Phil and Dennis set Chris Impey in a chair. Don checks the student for a pulse. Don: "I think he's dead, Jim." Jim: "But I'm the Grad Advisor!! Phil!! Help!!!!" Phil: "Dammit, Jim, I'm an astrophysicist, not a doctor." Gary walks onto the scene, looking over his blueprints for the robotic grad student. He sees the faculty standing over the fallen grad and rushes over. Gary: "A grad student! Barely alive! We can rebuild him! We can make him better! Faster! Cheaper!" Phil: (suspiciously) "I know I've heard that 'better, faster, cheaper' stuff before somewhere..." Gary: "He will be... the 6 Million Dollar grad student!!!" ----------------------------------------------------------- BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD DO JOURNAL CLUB Cast: Beavis: Craig Butthead: Groppi Tod "Don't Fear the Reaper" Lauer: Jeremy Roelf: Patrick Rob: Kenworthy Reviewer: Eric John Hill: Phil KLBT announcer: Jane Time Life Books Announcer: Karen Props: Desk/chair for Roelof's office 2 seats for Beavis and Butthead to sit in remote control Big red mirror lab oven replica (red posterboard) overhead projector, screen Chandra spectra overheads overheads or books for time life book series grim reaper outfit for Lauer [Here's the stage: Beavis and Butthead share a TV remote that they use to switch between the various "channels". There are two TV "stages", one of which is covered by a sheet so that only one is seen at a time and the other can be readied. We start in Roelof's office, where he is paining over this week's Journal Club...] ROELOF DE JONG: I can't find anyone to do Journal Club this week! I can't find the faculty, and the grad students keep switching their dates around. Now I'm stuck with no speakers to review papers! What am I going to do? I know! I'll assault the next two people who walk by into reviewing Journal Club! ROELOF DE JONG: You two are going to give Journal Club this week! BUTTHEAD: Uhhh... huh huh... what? ROELOF: Uhmmm, who are you guys anyway? BUTTHEAD: Uhhhh, hhuh huh, we're like NATS102 students. Or something. ROELOF DE JONG: Good enough. It's really simple. You just sit around and review presentations on modern astrophysics. Uhmm, let's just say that your goal is to try to tear the paper, it's methods, results, conclusions, authors, and the presenter to bits. BEAVIS: Heheheheheh! Kewl! BUTTHEAD: This is going to RULE!! ROB : Welcome to Fight... uh, I mean, Journal Club. The first rule about Journal Club is you don't talk about Journal Club. The second rule about Journal Club is *you don't talk about Journal Club*. BUTTHEAD: Uhhhhhhhh... is that why there are so few faculty here? ROB: You don't say anything because Journal Club exists only in the time between when Journal Club starts until you fall asleep into your tuna salad. ...that's the third rule of journal club, when someone says stop or if all of the faculty are asleep, even if they're just faking it, the talk is over. Only two talks at a meeting. One talk at a time. No talks without shirts or shoes.... that means you too, Impey.... The talks go on as long as they have to. Those are the other rules of journal club. If this is your first time at Journal Club, you have to give a talk. BUTTHEAD: Uhhhhhhh, this is boring. Like, change the channel, dude. Reviewer: And here we have a spectrum of one of our sources. We attempted to fit many functions to this spectral energy distribution. We tried a polynomial fit. We tried a power law. We tried some rather unusual higher-order functions, like this. BUTTHEAD: Huhuhuhuhh...eheheheheheheheheheheheheheh! BEAVIS: Settle down, Butthead! Uhhh... I don't get it. REVIEWER: Unfortunately, the fits are non-unique. We also get a good fit to the following function. Extrapolating this fit over a broader wavelength range, we'd expect this behavior: So, you can see that we don't know our heads from our... B&B: Heheheheheheheheh huhuhuhuhuhuh hehehhehehe!!!... REVIEWER: We'll have to wait until we can collect another photon, , for better photon statistic. Any questions? BUTTHEAD: Do you, uhhhhh, like Metallica? REVIEWER: What? BEAVIS: This sucks! Change it! KLBT Announcer: "Welcome to the public access channel K-L-B-T. All honeycombs, all night." BUTTHEAD: Beavis? BUTTHEAD: Beavis? BUTTHEAD: BEAVIS! Change it... or kill me. ANNOUNCER: Following on such succesful series books as "Windows for Dummies" and "A Complete Idiots Guide To Taxes", we at Time Life have decided to offer a series directed at the astronomical community. We start you off with the best selling "Email Attachments For Liebert" . If you decide to stay with us, you will get additional titles once a month: "Using Subdirectories For Walker", "Good Sleep Habits For McCarthy", "Lower Volume Transparency Printing For Bechtold", "Fashion For Rieke", and "Introducing Telescopes For Steinmetz". Yours for just $74 +/- $8. Order yours today! BUTTHEAD: I just figured something out! This sucks! REAPER/LAUER: YOUUUUUUUUU.... BEAVIS: Whoa! Are you Marilyn Manson? REAPER/LAUER: YOUUUUUUUUU.... YOUUUUUUU WILL GIVE A FLASH TALK.... Really, it's an excellent speaking opportunity! REAPER: YOUUUUUU *WILL* GIVE A FLASH TALK! BUTTHEAD: Iron Maiden? -------------------------------------------------- The Devil Went Down to Tucson (The Devil Went Down to Georgia, for Dave Arnett) Singer: Patrick Other people are knee-slapping etc? Sounds: Devil Went Down To Georgia laptop The devil went down to Tucson, he was lookin' for a soul to steal He was in a bind 'cuz he was way behind, and he was willin' to make a deal When he came across a young man typin' FORTRAN on a Linux box And the devil jumped up on a saguaro stump and said, "Boy, let me tell you what. I guess you didn't know it, but I do supernovae, too. And if you care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you. Now, you make a pretty good model, boy, but give the devil his due. I'll bet a laptop of gold against your soul, 'cuz I think I'm better than you." The boy said, "My name's David, and it might be a sin, But I'll take your bet; you're gonna regret, 'cause I'm the best there's ever been." David, fire up your code and blow up that there star, 'Cause Hell's broke loose in Tucson, and the devil deals the cards. And if you win you'll get this shiny laptop made of gold, but if you lose, the devil gets your soul... The devil opened up his file and said, "I'll start this show." And fire flew from his fingertips as he started up his code. He set initial conditions, and it made an evil hiss, And a band of postdocs joined in, and it sounded somethin' like this. When the devil finished David said, "Well you're pretty good ol' son, but sit down in that chair right there, and let me show you how it's done." Fire in a white dwarf, run, code, run Devil's in the house of a dyin' sun Nickel 56 in a turbulent flow Is it a deflagration? No, child, no. The devil bowed his head, because he knew that he'd been beat. He laid that golden laptop on the ground by David's feet. And David said, "Devil, just come on back if you ever want to try again. I done told you once, when I number crunch, I'm the best there's ever been." He played... Fire in a white dwarf, run, code, run Devil's in the house of a dyin' sun Nickel 56 in a turbulent flow Is it a deflagration? No, child, no. --------------------------------------------------- AO Man Mike : Matt Roger : Phil Keck Twin 1 : Patrick Keck Twin 2 : Jeremy Air Force Man : Groppi Delivery Man : Eric Doris : Jackie Props: chairs and desks rubber bands (red) phone 8.4m mirror Batman clothes tool belt car Keck mirror segments printed email goggles with blinking lights BLAMO! signs laser pointer MIKE and ROGER are sitting in separate offices, MIKE is tapping away at a keyboard, ROGER is playing with a packet of rubber bands. ROGER occasionally snaps a rubber band into his fingers or his arm, causing a little yelp of pain and an absent-minded frown. MIKE has a phone on his desk. It rings, and he answers it. It is the AIR FORCE GENERAL, asking about the MMT AO system that has been funded by the Air Force. MIKE: Hello? Oh, hello there, Air Force Major, nice to hear from you again... yes, everything is coming together nicely... you want to see the AO system? Certainly, that's no problem, pop in tomorrow afternoon.... what? you want to see a *working* AO system? What, TOMORROW? Ohmigod.... no, no, nonono! Noooo problem there.... 10am...yes. Bye! MIKE carefully puts phone down. He stands up, leans over to ROGER's office and yells: MIKE: Roger! We're in trouble! ROGER snaps rubber band into fingers painfully and looks at MIKE. ROGER: What's up, Mike? M: Just got a call from that Air Force general - they now want to see a working AO system, and I can't put them off any longer. They're coming over tomorrow morning! And even worse, if we don't show them a working system, they'll take back the money or reposess the equipment! R: Ah, no problem there then.... we haven't got any money left, and all the equipment is old 486 computers. Worth virtually nothing now! M (relieved, sinks back into his chair): Oh, no worries there then. M and R both get a worried look on their faces, and slowly turn around to face each other. R: Unless.... M: But surely they wouldn't! R: It's the only thing of value we've got left.... M: No! Anything but that! M and R together: They'll take our 8.4 meter mirrors! M: What are going to do? We are in trouble now! R: We need to take the mirror and hide it from the air force. they can't confiscate what they can't find in the first place. M: Great! Let's go over to the mirror lab and drive it away right now! Hold it - but that would be.... stealing! And that's bad, isn't it? R: You're right there, Mike - we couldn't steal it. (BOTH start to sit down). ROGER stands up quickly: But it sounds like a job for.... AO Man! MIKE stands up and strikes a pose: And.... Zernike Boy! M and R run off to one side, Batman music starts up. We see ROGER and MIKE pulling on running pants over their normal clothes, both have underpants pinned over the running pants. All superhero characters will have underpants pinned on the outside of their jogging pants, a bright primary colour t-shirt with their initial letter on it. BOTH put on domino masks, with ROGER wearing a fuzzy AO and MIKE wearing a ZB. BOTH carry laser pointers on their utility belts. ROGER(now as AM): Ready, Zernike Boy? MIKE(now as ZB): As ever, AO Man! AM: To the Mirror Lab! BOTH run off in typical Batman and Robin form, exaggerated arm swings and all. BOTH run away around the corner, and we hear them carry on talking. ZB: I've got the mirror... AM: And I've got the Mirror Lab truck! Shotgun! ZB: Oh, come on, that's not fair - you ALWAYS get to drive... I'd like to have a go sometime... AM: Not enough time to swap around now, I can see the Air Force coming! ZB: Cryogenic cryostats! They are hot on our tail, AO man! AM and ZB appear in a cardboard cutout of the side of a car, AM in the front, ZB in the back holding a tin foil mirror/coated trashcan lid. BOTH move the car by carrying the cardboard cutout between them. As they drive along, they are pursued by AIR FORCE MAN, dressed as a superhero with millions of medals pinned on his shirt, or at least one oversized one. AFM (waving a large wad of reports): Come back, you scoundrels! We need that system to shoot down satellietes, er no, I mean take photos of the Space Shuttle! ZB: Purple polynomials! He's gaining on us - can't this thing go any faster? AM: I'm giving her all she's got - it only has a maximum speed of 5 miles per hour.... THE KECK TWINS jump out in front of the car. The CAR screetches to a stop. Two people, wearing BLACK t-shirts, holding each other's shoulders like drinking buddies, they speak alternately and both have beards to keep the evil beard theme (probably too hard...) Two T-shirts with the letter K made up of small K's or something... ZB: Holy fried parameters! It's the evil Keck twins! And they're out of phase as usual! KECK TWINS (KT): Ah hah! So, we meet again, AO Man and your trusty sidekick, Orthonormal Boy! ZB: It's Zernike Boy! KT (continuing over ZB): ..but this time the advantage is ours! We were expecting the Gemini Twins, but they can't seem to get their mirrors working... and we have you surrounded on all three sides, with your third nemesis, NSF Man! ALL characters look around for NSF man, but no NSF man is apparent. KT 1: I said, YOUR THIRD NEMESIS, NSF MAN!!! DELIVERY MAN walks on stage and gives a printed email from NSF Man to KECK TWINS. KT reads out the email: KT 1: "We regret to inform you that your proposal entitled "Stopping AO Man and Zernike Boy" was rejected. KT 2: Furthermore, we only accept electronic submissions, and crayon writing on Waffle House napkins does not count as a formal proposal to NSF Man." KT 1: Humph, typical.... ZB: Synchronised segments! I can't see how we are going to get out of this scrape, AO Man! AFM: Where's the AO system? You promised us an AO system! A nice, big shiny AO system... (starts stomping feet and acting like a spoiled child)... ZB: Oh no! He's getting ready to burst into tears! What should we do? AO: Quick - give him this.... (hands ZB a BOX WITH FLASHING LIGHTS and a PAIR OF READING GLASSES STRAPPED TO THEM.) ZB: Wow, is that the AO system? ZB gives it to the AFM, who plays with it, and puts on the glasses, with lights flashing. AO: No, it's a box of flashing lights on a pair of glasses. AFM: Excellent work - have another three year's worth of money. AFM: Wow, I can see clearly now! Excellent work, AO Man and Whatsyourname. AFM walks off stage. ZB (yelling after AFM): It's Zernike Boy! (Back to AM and KT) Nice one, AO Man! That's dealt with him... KT 1: But you still have to deal with us! KT 2: And we will not fall for such a simple ruse! FIGHT ensues with ZOK and BLAT and MUSIC. At some point, AM is getting ready to hit KT, but suddenly stops to look around for something. KT look bored. AM: Doris? DORIS comes in and hands him a WHAMO! sign. FIGHT continues. AM: Quick! Get the mirror and I'll get out the AO laser... ZB gets mirror and AM fires laser ppointer through the hole at the KT. KT falls over to the ground, legs waggling in the air, saying: KT: Curse you... individual mirror segments.. dephasing... can't get good order correction... dephasing.... you won't have heard the last of me yet! KT collapses to the ground, defeated AM and ZB get up, dust themselves off. ZB: Kolmogorev catastrophe - he's completely dephased. AM: Yes, but he will be back when they've rebooted the computers.... meanwhile, let's get back to the lab. AM and ZB walk slowly off stage, talking and taking off their masks. ZB: Shall we go play solitaire with Nick? AM: Don't mind if I do.... ENDS ---------------------------------------------------- WHO WANTS TO PASS THEIR PRELIM? Cast: Kermit Craig Regis Philbin Jeremy Grad Student Joannah Relative Phil Ben Oppenheimer as himself Props: overhead projector question overheads Ben speaker phone flashlights Sounds: opening music dramatic music ringing phone KERMIT: Now join Regis Philbin in Tucson for Who Wants To Pass Their Prelim! REGIS: Okay, thank you everybody. Hello and welcome to Saturday night on Who Wants To Pass Their Prelim. We're here with Joannah from Florida. Hello Joannah, nice to have you here. JOANNAH: Hello Regis. REGIS: And I see you brought your husband Phil for support. Hi Phil! PHIL: Hi Regis. REGIS: So Joannah, how are you feeling? A little nervous? JOANNAH: Yeah, Regis, I'm feeling pretty nervous right now. REGIS: That's to be expected. Now don't worry. You know the rules: you have five questions to pass your prelim. Once you've answered one question correctly, you're guaranteed to leave here with at least a Masters. To help you, you have three life lines: 50-50, ask the grad students, and phone a friend. Are you ready? JOANNAH: No. REGIS: Tough luck. Let's play Who Wants To Pass Their Prelim! REGIS: First question: A Stromgren sphere is a sphere of what kind of gas around a hot star? Is it ionized gas, neutral gas, degenerate gas, or premium unleaded? JOANNAH: John Bieging will kill me if I don't get this. That would be A) Ionized gas. REGIS: Confidant? JOANNAH: Yes, ionized gas, final answer. REGIS: You got it! Good work. Next question: What nucleus do brown dwarfs burn that planets don't? Is it Positronium, Deuterium, Lithium, or Tungsten? JOANNAH: You know, Regis, brown dwarfs are not my strong point. I'd like to phone a friend. REGIS: Fair enough. Who would you like to call? JOANNAH: Ben Oppenheimer. REGIS: And who is Ben Oppenheimer? JOANNAH: He's a postdoc at Berkeley who works on brown dwarfs. REGIS: He sounds like the man for the task. AT&T, please give us Ben Oppenheimer! BEN: Hello? REGIS: Ben Oppenheimer? BEN: Who is this? JOANNAH: No!!!!!! Not *that* Ben Oppenheimer! The *other* Ben Oppenheimer! REGIS: This is Regis Philbin from Who Wants To Pass Their Prelim. I've got your friend Joannah here, and she needs your help. JOANNAH: No!!! It's the wrong Ben Oppenheimer!! REGIS: She'll read you a question and four possible answers. You have thirty seconds. Go. JOANNAH: Oh, alright. What nucleus do brown dwarfs burn that planets don't? A) Positronium, B) Deuterium, C) Lithium, or D) Tungsten? BEN: You know... I'm not really sure. You know, you should ask Ben Oppenheimer! REGIS: Well I'm afraid that wasn't much help. Do you have any ideas? JOANNAH: Let's see... I know positronium isn't a nucleus. Tungsten is what they coat mirrors with, but I don't think brown dwarfs burn it. REGIS: That leaves Deuterium and Lithium. JOANNAH: Deuterium kind of leapt out at me when it first came up... so I'm going to go with that. Deuterium. REGIS: Is that your final answer? JOANNAH: Yes. REGIS: And the answer is..... deuterium! Very good. Next question: Can you use Schrodinger's equation to derive the existence of intelligent life in the universe? Yes, No, (1/sqrt2)|Yes> + (1/sqrt2)|No>, or Only for small values of "intelligent"? JOANNAH: You know, Regis, I don't think I can. I'm going to have to answer B) No. REGIS: Is that your final answer? JOANNAH: Final answer. REGIS: ...and you're right! You can't derive the existence of intelligent life from Schrodinger's equation! Whipping right along, what is the value of H_0 in km/s/Mpc? 50, 100, 168 million, or i? JOANNAH: It can't be i, that's just silly, but I'm not really sure after that. REGIS: You have two life lines remaining: 50-50 and ask the grad students. Do you want to use one of them? JOANNAH: Yeah, I guess I'd better. Regis, I'd like to use the 50-50. REGIS: Very well. Computer, please remove two of the wrong answers leaving the correct answer and one wrong answer. <"ding!" Cover up "168 million" and "i"> It's either 50 or 100. JOANNAH: Gee, that's a big help. Well, I've already got a Masters, so I might as well go for it. I'll say 100. REGIS: Final answer? JOANNAH: Final answer. REGIS: Let's see, what is the value of H_0? It looks like we don't know it to a factor of 2, so we'll give it to you. Wow, you're doing great! This is the last question - if you get this, you pass your prelim. If you were an ancient Greek astronomer, how would you measure the value of Omega_matter? Should you look at the peak of the CMB power spectrum, measure distant supernovae, look at weak lensing through clusters, or pray to Zeus? JOANNAH: Oh man. Regis, I've got no idea. I think I'm going to have to ask the grad students. REGIS: Grad students, indicate your answer on your keypad. 98% of them think you should pray to Zeus, except for Mario who thinks you should observe distant supernovae. JOANNAH: Mario's a smart guy, but I think I've got to go with the numbers. D) Pray to Zeus. REGIS: Is that your final answer? JOANNAH: Yes. REGIS: If you were an ancient Greek astronomer... ... you would pray to Zeus! You got it! Congratulations, you have passed your prelim! What a great contestant, I'm sure she'll do wonderfully. If you want to to be a contestant on Who Wants To Pass Their Prelim, call our toll-free number and give an undergrad transcript and 3 letters of reference to the admissions comittee. See you next time! --------------------------------------------------------- Muppet Labs Cast: Dr Bunsen Honeydew Craig Beaker Jackie props: sign "The End is Nigh" sign "The End" meteor 2 lab coats shock of orange hair and orange nose for beaker (skip?) overhead or sign spelling out CONNIE acronym overhead projector Dr. Bunsen: Oh! Hello. I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Welcome to *Muppet Labs*, where the [twiddle fingers] fff--uture is being made today. We here at Muppet labs are *very* excited about our new project, a near-Earth asteroid warning system. Yes, the "COllisional Notification Network for Impacts of Earth", [gesture to sign or overhead spelling out acronym] ...will inform citizens of their impending doom with *just* enough notice to incite panic and chaos; our proposed upgrade, should the NSF choose to fund it, will provide enough warning for something actually to be *done* about any such nasty old asteroid. [Beaker comes onstage] Dr. Bunsen: My assistant Beaker will demonstrate the Collisional Notification Network for Impacts of Earth. Listen closely, Beakie -- there is a meteor headed toward the Earth! Beaker: Meep? Mee mo memeor memu me me mee? MEEEP! me mu me me mu! [Beaker runs around screaming] Dr. Bunsen: As you can see, the system works. You can stop now, Beaker. [Beaker continues screaming and running about.] Dr. Bunsen: That's enough Beaker! False alarm! [Beaker grabs sign reading, "THE END IS NIGH!" and continues running around and screaming.] Dr. Bunsen: Ah, well, it's still a prototype. How fortunate we are that there aren't any *real* asteroids headed for the Ear--- [meteor hits Dr. Bunsen.] [Dr. Bunsen falls to the floor, picks up sign reading, "THE END," and holds it over his head.] THE END